TwiFuckery – The FanFic of Itself Chapter

So when a well-known writer writes a fanfic of her own widely-published (and beloved by many) fic work, and I’m appropriately bored when I’m told about it – this happens.  It’s a  crack-fic mini-chapter.  Bring coffee.

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So this is it… Lol, Act 3 of the Andre crack fic is up and that POS is now complete!

Several of you fantastic fuckers have been going through some rough times here lately, and this silly crack fic was meant to bring you a few giggle-snorts, maybe a full-on belly laugh (ok, so I really wanted at least some of y’all to pee your pants laughing, but it’s ok if you didn’t…I won’t pout…much…*dabs eye with tissue*). 

I love thinking that I’ve brought a bit of sunshine, or at least some fun snark, to your life to brighten your day.  Life can suck donkey ass at times and if I can use my words to bring fun and joy to my fuckawesome readers, then that’s what Imma gon’ do.

So here.  This is the third and final “Act” in this mess.   It’s:

Done.

Finished.

Over and…out.

Clicky the pikky and read and giggle and then tell me I’m pretty (snark) — Just don’t tell Andre I wrote this…(not snark) :

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Anyone ready for “Act 2”?

No sense waiting to post the 2nd “Act”, right?  Right!  There’s one more “Act” after this… I hope you enjoy this fluffy bit of semi-perverted, non-homogenized, pasteurized-processed, Grade AA nonsense.   Happy Weekend!

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So I was straightening out my CRACK FICS menu and…

So I was straightening out my CRACK FIC menu and then this happened.  Well, I was straightening that out AND I was kind of pissed off at my doctor’s office for not calling me back and so I apparently decided to take it out on Andre.

He’s a big boy, he can take it.  (Just, you know, don’t, like, TELL him or anything…what he doesn’t know won’t hurt me, right?)

But yeah, this is the kind of thing that can happen when I’m left unattended for a couple of hours.

No, I am *not* starting any other fics right now – this bit of useless fluff is complete in three “acts” which (by the time you read this) will be/are already loaded into drafts and most likely will be scheduled to post automagically (begging might get them posted faster…I dunno…still pissed at the dr’s ofc).

Hope you like!

(Srsly, don’t tell Andre…)

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Quandary + Help Wanted

First I want to thank every single one of you who have/has been reading the jumbled, snickery, riotous mess that I call TwiFuckery.  It thrills and delights me (and also makes me happy) that I have been able to bring any sort of humor, laughter, or snickerage into your day!  😀

Ok, y’all, that being said/having said that, I need some input/ideas/suggestion regarding the next “chapter” (and yes, I snicker at the thought of calling portions of that written fiasco “chapters”) of TwiFuckery.

I’ve already had (too much?  not enough?) fun with Emowad as he deals with over-used (and often blatantly ridiculous) TB/SVM troupes (Snookie and her pendulous swinging bobbling globe-esque Boobs, wannabe-dommy Feric and his yeah-we-get-it, he’s-got-a-big-penis/tree-branch-in-the-pants, the cryptically cryptic “never interferes with fate until she just wants to” Ancient Pissyness, etc)TVD “funnies” (ignoble lip lapping and licking St.Efan and hair-tossing/face wearing WhinYlena with the swollen, wet, pink, juicy, moist lips, yadda), and of course I’ve already had written fun about my own writing (nether regions, anyone?) and with the many-troupes-Twi, but I’m stuck as to which fandom to malign/snicker about the  overused/weird/crappy/really dumb troupes in next.

Why?

Because I only know TB/SVM (and thankfully less SVM by the day since I can’t bring myself to re-re-read the books!)...(Go me and my CRS brain!)…and I really don’t know all that much more about TVD, either, because I suck at reading other fandoms.

I like writing the ridiculous, fun, snarky, humerus (I hope!) lusciousness of TwiFuckery – it gives my brain a break, and if I’ve made even some of y’all laugh along with me (which is my sole intention in actually posting this crap – you should/shouldn’t see what I *DON’T* post…), then SCORE!, but…what to stick in these “chapters” next?

So…what should Emowad Sullen do/where should he go now? Ideas?  Suggestions?  (Hey, he can’t do THAT – he’s already tried and he sprung it and made it go OWIE!)

Remember, (as some of you already know) I have a private communication option in my menu here.  Click the “Ask Me” option, and you can send me a private email (that I might get around to reading at some point) if you’d rather suggest things privately to me.  You would not be the first to contact me in this fashion with anonymous ideas/suggestions about tired overused plots, amazingly huge plot holes, inane (disgusting, abusive, pompous, aggravating, misogynistic, unbelievable, sickening, insulting, degrading, annoying, and really really gross) character “traits” that you’re vomitously sick of reading about/having shoved in your faces.  As always, your privacy would be assured.  I may not use everything y’all mention (some suggestions have too-obviously pointed fingers at certain writers and that’s not my intention), but I have gotten quite a few laughs, and have nodded my head sadly far too many times.

I will say this:  many of us are far more alike than you’d probably realize, and it  gives me some bit of hope for the human race… 

And on that note, have an awesome Tuesday, readers mine!

TwiFuckery Ch. 4 is up!!

Squeee!  It appears that I have readers that I didn’t even know about!!  How awesome is that?!?  🙂   (Hi-fives self and narrowly misses nose…it’s a gift…)

An FYI for y’all who don’t follow me on Facebook:  Last week (and totally out of the blue) I adopted a starving stray cat that I found in my driveway.  No-Name Kitty *still* doesn’t have a name yet, but he’s slowly gaining weight and muscle back, so at least he’s no longer a literally starving stray.  Vets said he’s between 2-3 years old, neutered, and in very good health considering his hip, back, and some rib bones were far too easily distinguishable under his thick, dull fur. (It was scary trying to even pick him up – that’s how prominent his little kitty bones were.)  He has ridiculously large paws with white socks, the tiniest little miew I’ve ever heard, yet he can hold a note furr-ever…

Ok, so, anyway – without further ado/adon’t:

SERIOUSLY:  READ THIS CRAP AT YOUR OWN RISK!  

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! IT IS TOTAL AND COMPLETE TOMFOOLERY!

DO NOT BITCH, GRIPE, CLIP YOUR NAILS ANGRILY, COMPLAIN, WHINE, (WHINGE IF YOU’RE BRITISH), VOMIT, SIP AT YOUR DRINK ANGRILY (that shit takes talent), CRY, OR INVOLVE YOURSELF IN THE GNASHING OF TEETH IF YOU DO NOT LIKE WHAT YOU READ – AFTER ALL: YOU.  WERE.  WARNED.  (See?  I even put it in BOLD RED because DRAMA!)(And because red’s pretty…)

ALSO:

aREAD AT YOUR OWN RISK

Do I need to repeat that?  I hope not.  I thought we were all adults here and could choose what we want to read and what we want to skip.  If someone decides that they don’t want to like what I write, then BY ALL MEANS, feel free to skip it!  Really!  It’s that simple. 

It’s your time to use as you choose! 

Go pet puppies or kittens or feed your fish (can you even pet fish?)!  Hell, go eat those brownies that I can’t eat!  Enjoy your life!

Oh, yeah, and here’s the link for Ch. 4:

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I hope you’re able to enjoy this in the spirit with which it’s intended.  If you can’t or don’t want to, then…don’t read it – it truly *is* that simple. (I used a pretty blue for that one because FEELS!)    ❤

Enjoy!

More TwiFuckery Parody Crack-Fic anyone? Huh?

Again, seriously:  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 

Also, if you’re of a thin-skinned or easily offended, hurt, butt-hurt, or pissed off nature, you might want to skip this “story”. 

Ok, I just hurt something laughing at the idea of this collection of “chapters” being considered anything NEAR a story…  It’s a load of pure crack/parody crap – I’ll totally and absolutely admit that.  And I’ll also totally own the fact that this mess is absolutely meant to mock, poke fun at, and draw attention to some of the more absurd “plots” and themes running rabidly rampant through out several fandoms – but never the writers themselves.

Let us be clear on this:  I am not mocking, et al., the writers – just some of the crap that escapes their brains via their keyboards.

Enjoy, have a laugh, commiserate, add your own peeves in the comments, or ignore the hell out of it – totally up to you, my friends. 

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I cracked. Again.

Yes, another crack fic.

Ok, I blame my friend Charity for this one. She, in her infinite wisdom/lack of being forewarned not to, regaled me via PMs early this evening with some fic-world sex troupe words/phrases from a couple of fics she had been trying to read, and the poor thing had no idea what laughable sex terms do to my wee brain.

Yeah.  Now she knows.

Then the ideas started blossoming like a fungus in a secret garden and blooming like evil, horrid little flowers…  I’d blame my allergy meds, but we all know that’s a lie.

 About reading this fic:

  1. It has not been, nor will it be, edited, beta’d, revamped, unvamped, deposited, serrated, or whatevs. It is as it is – a crack-fic.
  2. There may be more. Or not. I dunno. It is what it is.
  3.  No.  There is no sea life involved.  Really.
  4. There are warnings, and here they are (yes, there are warnings):
  • If you are offended easily, don’t read this fic.
  • If you lost your sense of humor somewhere back in 3rd grade, don’t read this fic.
  • If you think Emowad Edward is super sexy, lickable, hot, delicious, goes well with marshmallows, don’t read this fic.
  • If you are allergic to laughing, and I know some people who apparently are, or if giggling breaks you out in hives, don’t read this fic.
  • If you adore Twilight and take it seriously, don’t read this fic.
  • If you adore TB/SVM and take it seriously, don’t read this fic.
  • If you adore ANY fandom and take it seriously, don’t read this fic. (Fuck if I know where all it’ll go…)
  • If you think (sex, specifically, but also in general) trope is awesome and you don’t laugh your gorgeous ass off at over-used, badly used, and shouldn’t-be-used descriptors and/or actions, don’t read this fic.
  • If you think canon is awesome, don’t read this fic.
  • If you can’t take a joke, DON’T READ THIS FIC.

ALL that being said, I hope you like this. It’s meant as a bit of fun, but I have been told that it may cause you to laugh until your head *hurts.

Anyhu, enjoy!

R Putz

(*Note:  I have no idea what fics she had been trying to read, and by Golly I did NOT ask, either, so don’t ask me specifically where they came from – I don’t know.  I do, however, know that I’ve read these and many, many, many other tired old phrases/terms/troupes in enough fics – usually the older ones – to know that they are, indeed…CRACK-FIC WORTHY!)

*No friends were harmed in the creation and/or reading of this crack fic.

Much.

 

 

Need a short, li’l (LI’L) laugh? Then proceed…

You know how friends can get together and start talking and then something happens and then someone brings out the virtual knitted cock and ball heating device?  The peter heater?  The warmer for the performer?

*nod*

Yeah.  It happens, ok?

Read on – the crack-fic awaits…

(Fair warning:  There’s also the likelihood that the hoodlums noted below the forthcoming micro-fic may also write something of the sort, so keep your eyes open and/or your running shoes on!)

apeterheater