TwiFuckery, Ch. 4

**A/N: Repeating from last chapter because I’m pretty sure not everyone actually READS this part (maybe I should underline it??), but once more for the money anyway:  Remember, not only am I far from being a perfect writer – hell, I also make fun of my own self in these bits-o-fluff – but, again, none of my crap here is meant specifically toward any one writer. While I hear LOTS and LOTS about more current fics (not just about the TB/SVM genre, either, mind you…), most of my peeves and material (?) come from older fics I’d read (and rolled my eyes at) before I got more seriously into my own writing (edited to add:  which was in 2012…).

The rest of this crap comes from conversations with my surprisingly large (you’d think they’d have higher standards, right?) circle of friends. They love to regale me with bits and pieces of fanfic fuckery that have tickled their funny bones and/or made them roll their eyes repeatedly and/or made them throw up in the back of their throats just a wee bit… Finally, I mostly want to thank my readers (those who comment, those who send me the fanfic fuckery that they’ve found hilarious and/or disturbing, and those who just read without commenting) for having the grace to see this tomfoolery *exactly* for what it is: snarky, irrelevant, irreverent, sometimes self-aimed, hopefully giggly fun.  No Emotwats were harmed in the making of this fic.**

Emowad sat in his OLDER MODEL BUT STILL A VULVA grey, still all 50 misogynistic, abusive shades of it, purr-mobile twiddling his ironic scarf, and watched as St.Efan grabbed WhinYlena’s head and kissed her hard for a minute and a half, then started lapping at her lips.

“You’re so puffy…and swollen…and pink and juicy,” he said between licks as he lapped at her luscious and wet lips.

Confused about what he was doing – he was supposed to be kissing her, not lapping at her luscious wet lips – WhinYlena did her patented Confused Face #24, and when no answers or Cdamons magically appeared, she initiated Patented Hair Toss Procedure #94 instead.

Eventually, when St.Efan started sucking on her front teeth, WhinYlena decided that she had had enough and stepped back daintily yet forcefully.  She chose Hair Toss #7 at that point as she decided that it would best fit the scene.

“Hey, are you still a vampire or did you switch supe-versions and become a werewolf instead? And what’s up with all this lip lapping and licking anyway?”

“I’m not through with you yet,” he growled-slash-whined instead of answering her question, his face changing to reflect his inner vamper-dude. He chose Vamp Face #2 figuring it was best to stay with the classics. St.Efan started to slip/slide/glide/elide into lecture mode and expound upon the myriad of ways in which the classics were far, far better than whatever smelled/tasted/looked current, but for once held his breath.

Lectures could always come later.

There was always time for lectures later.

He posed for an invisible camera before lowering his massive head, and then kissed her again, more of a real kiss than a lip lapping contest, then suddenly rammed his tongue down her throat a few dozen times. He finally stopped when she started gagging, and leaned back with an odd look on his still-half-vamp’ed face.

“You had barbecue for lunch, didn’t you? Holstein’s, according to the taste of it,” he said in contemplation. “You should consider investing in an electric toothbrush, by the way.”

With a shrug, he returned his mouth to hers, and started lapping yet again at her moist, juicy, swollen, wet, pink lips. When she made an impatient sound, he changed to sucking on those moist, juicy, swollen, wet pink lips, and continued patiently as he waited for her to orgasm.

Girls were always supposed to orgasm when you lapped at their lady lips, right?

Exactly 23 seconds later – Emowad counted – WhinYlena made the oddest, most grotesque noise he had heard recently…Demmett and Frozalie’s love life not included.

After screeching, covering her face with her hands, dancing around, and generally doing all she could to draw attention to herself without seeming to draw attention to herself as she drew attention to herself, the object of the blond vampire’s obsession finally giggled.

“I meefed,” she squealed between hysterical giggles.

Gigglelingly.

St.Efan shook his head side to side as though trying to dislodge a bug from his ear in slow motion. “Meefed?”

“Yes,” the not-quite-so-hysterical girl replied in semi-frenzied (Word’s thesaurus said “frenzied” could be used in place of “hysterical”) tones. (Word’s thesaurus is an idiot.)

“A meef is a mouth queef!”

St.Efan turned around and promptly threw up the delicious, delicious burger he’d shoved down this throat earlier.  And the fries.  And the pickle.  Oddly, the brownie stayed down.

Brownies are smart.  Too bad the writer can’t eat chocolate.

Life sucks.

Please, continue.

Or don’t.

You could always go eat a brownie in my honor.  I won’t tell.  Honest.

Emowad wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about and then decided intelligently and with lots of intelligence to consult the interwebs. Surely someone must know what would be so funny about “meef” and “queef”.

(I hope you didn’t go eat that brownie after all considering, you know,  EMOWAD…)

3.592 minutes later he gazed out the window in stunned disbelief.  Horror oozed from every pore he didn’t actually have.  Even his ironic scarf now had a (*gasp*) wrinkle in it!

Why, you may ask?

He now had knowledge he had never wanted.

He needed to call his MamaEsme. She would make it better.

She would make it alllll better.

Maybe she would hum Eddie’s Lullaby to him again.

She answered before the phone had even rang on her end because of her superior vampire hearing.

“Yes, my darling boi?  Have you missed your mummy today?”

“Mu’mEs’me, I learned something bad today. Really, really bad. I have defiled my previously-already-non-virginal mind.  You many need to tie me up and spank me.”

“What? What did you learn? And why would I need to spank my good boi?”

“You need to spank me because you love me and if you love someone you’re supposed to punish and abuse them in some way, right? “

“No, Emo, you have that all wrong as usual, baby. Abuse of any sort does not equal love in any way. How many times do we have to go over this?  Now, what did you learn that’s so bad?  Go ahead and tell mama all about it. I mean, mummy.”

“I was sitting in my 50 Shades of puerile gray purr-mobile, you know it’s a Vulva, right? Well, I was sitting here minding my own business spying on some of those other vamps when…when…I can’t even say it. I finally had to look a word up on the interwebs because for once I didn’t know what it was, and I couldn’t read the definition from either the vampire’s mind or the girl with the vampire because he kept shoving his tongue down her throat trying to taste her lunch and then he threw up and he has a nice tight ass for one of those other kinds of vampires so I looked the word up and found out what it meant and MOMMY – MAKE IT STOOOOP! (insert many more words here to make this paragraph unGodric’ly long)”

MamaEsme just shook her head sadly. Her little emo-boi would never grow up, and she felt truly sorry for him since he was so obviously determined to be the stuck-up emo-brat of the family. He would always be too snobby and self-absorbed to see the humor in a situation (just ask Malice), who couldn’t recognize fun for what it was even when it was served on a silver-fucking-platter (just ask Demmett), and naturally he wouldn’t ever like honest people who don’t pander to others (just ask Frozalie), and of course he would always love nice, tight vampire asses – well, who wouldn’t?  Nice, tight, firm vampire asses…

(Remember, I make a lot of fun of my own self here…)

Bunz-o-Steel, yo…

At the speed of not-being-able-to-see-her she blurred and vamped and ran really, really fast around the mansion/estate/really big house 297 times to refocus her vampire thoughts, then stopped so abruptly/fast/quickly that her feet drug trenches in the soft, moist, loose/lose dirt.

She truly didn’t want to ask what he had looked up on the interNET – silly little freak…with his “enhanced vampire perma-memory” he STILL failed to remember to call it the interNET – but she was afraid he was going to tell her all about it whether she wanted to hear it or not.

Suck it up, buttercup, she said sternly if silently.

*sigh*

*double sigh*

*triple double latte grande Eric-has-a huge-dong-we-get-it-already sigh*

“Well,” she started and began to say when she was interrupted rudely yet silkily with the silky voice of her not-son.

“I…I have to go…bye!”

Suddenly the call ended abruptly and without (much) warning.

MamaEsme grinned, then skipped/glided to the kitchen to bake a useless lasagna, make a tossed salad, bake a 6 layer cake, and make some brownies that no one would eat.

After setting the table with the tons of food that she would let “air” for exactly 1.693 hours on the dining room table that no one used for anything but arts and crafts and building DIY alarm clocks and zoo animal dioramas, she ran herself a nice bubbly bubble bath full of bubbly bubbles. While she soaked, she was sure to hum the “rub the nub” version of the “rub a dub” song while naturally manually rubbing her nub because that’s what all women do in the bubbly bubbly bathtub right after fondling their boobies then tweaking/pinching/rolling/pulling their nipples and gasping/moaning/screaming/whispering their man’s name silently/loudly, right?

Right?

As she diddled and fondled and pinched (ouch) and rubbed and scrubbed and stroked and tweaked and tapped and rotated and checked the tire pressure of her clitoris, she realized that her neighbor 29.503 miles down the road really needed to change her cat’s litter box.

**A/N: Again shared from last chapter because, you know: Remember, none of the crap I come up with here is from any one person or story.  And bluntly, even if it were, I still wouldn’t say so.  It is not my intention to hurt any writer’s feelings as my purpose in life is to NOT bring ill-feelings or humiliation toward anyone specific. The purpose of this exercise in snarkery is purely for fun (mine, that I choose to share with y’all because I’m told it’s hilarious and sadly on-point) poked at the expense of trite, sad, stale, over-used, inane, misogynistic, abusive, ridiculous, dysfunctional, “but it’s just a fanfic so it doesn’t matter how many mental and physical rape/abuse/torture buses I toss a female character under” themes I’ve had the extremely dubious pleasure of reading (or clicking out of very quickly because UGH!) in the past couple of years.  You may also note per that exact reasoning that I no longer READ the offerings of most (edited to clarify: TB/SVM) fanfic writers (and only partially because I’m still in a writing mode myself).  I get to choose what I allow into my brain, and I do not choose to allow overused notions of sleaze, smut, abuse, rape, torture, EMOWAD SULLEN, silly Dom/”Master”/slave bullshit (and so on and so forth to the point of puke’age) to set up camp in my already-snarkalicious brainbox.  “Pam” ain’t got nothin’ on me.

Now, all that being said, I also FULLY realize that not everyone on this mudball planet will get my anti-sleaze, anti-abuse, anti-unrealistic humor, and that not everyone who does understand it will then appreciate it.  And that is perfectly fine!  No one on this planet is required to read one single word I write.   And, on that note, have a great day imagining Emo bustin’ his sparkly-cum wad over the male facilities in Merlotte’s because FATE!  CRYPTIC!**

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32 thoughts on “TwiFuckery, Ch. 4

  1. Pingback: TwiFuckery Ch. 4 is up!! | Addicted to Godric…& Eric…& Andre

  2. I love these stories that just make me laugh and they are so spot on for writers in all genres not just fan-fiction. This is just 50 shades of sarcasm and satire and just plain ole smart assness that I appreciate and makes my day 😉 So if you decide to write to friends only please make me one so I won’t miss any chapter and the trials and tribulations of Emowad and his perfect ironic scarf.

    Like

  3. suzyq591suzy: *preens* You got it, babe – thank you!! Very glad you like the snark and enjoy it in the spirit with which it and Emo’s ironic scarf and Vulva were intended! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Even though I still don’t understand half of all the twifuckery I say keep going because I’m laughing my ass off anyhow, just promise to keep the meefs to yourself…

    Like

  5. hisviks: WhinYlena said that if St.Efan kept on with the lapping and licking and laving at her luscious swollen wet pink lips, she was considering joining Meefers Anon.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. OMG so needed that before heading to work! Will probably still be laughing when I get there. Please, please, please keep it going…thank you.

    Like

  7. Do not STOP writing these!!! They are so fucking hilarious and NSFW. LOL. Like you said they don’t have to read it if they don’t like it. That’s what I do. Crazy, right?! Thinking for yourself.

    Anyway, I think I hate Stefan even more now but damn that was so hilarious. Meef!

    You really want me to have some brownies I know it. I mean how many times did you bring them up? And they’re my favorite. 😀 Love ya lots like jelly tots!

    Like

  8. mom2goalies: Thank you!! I hope the laughs kept on all day long!! 😀 And no matter who complains/whines/etc, I definitely plan on keeping on. Freedom of Speech and Humor, y’all! 😀 And tongues do just keep on…lapping… *snicker* Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. gyllene: Thank you!!! I am so glad that I have readers like you who understand and enjoy the concept of “humor”, of “snark” and “sarcasm”, and who don’t go around deciding to get butthurt at all, much less after reading something they’d already been warned NOT to read if they don’t like that sort of thing. I mean, really, how simple a concept is it? DON’T READ WHAT YOU DON’T LIKE. Oy! And all this ado’ing over a fic that I have OFTEN referred to as tomfoolery, as meant for a laugh and a snicker (or a guffaw if I’m on point, lmao!)
    I think we should start a clique, you know? The way people keep talking about them, they sound kind of nice. (I read once that there’s a huge correlation between humor and intelligence – we could make sure that only smart people get invited…maybe have a humor test, too?)
    Oh, well. You can have all my brownies. ALL THE BROWNIES!!! ILY2!!
    (And what do you want to bet that someone will try to get butthurt by even THIS? Ugh.)

    Like

  10. hisviks: OMGodric, sweets, you just used…HUMOR! Are we sure this is allowed??? *hands Snookie a bib…and some roasted salted pecans…they’re healthier than the pie*

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Favourite line-*triple double latte grande Eric-has-a huge-dong-we-get-it-already sigh*
    Second fav-rub a nub!
    Some of those nubs out there have got to be raw and burning and itchy by now!
    I don’t understand all the jokes here as I’m not a twilight fan. (Not even enough to understand some of the nicknames, I really have to think about why characters those are so posed to be sometimes). Plus I’ve never read 50 shades and from friends comments never will but I’m still laughing about this.
    WhinYlenea was perfect!

    Like

  12. suzymeinen: Awww, man, thank you! I love when readers know how to take this crack-fic: with laughter, good humor, and a light heart! 😀 I have to admit that I do feel sorry for a LOT of fan-fic nubs: rubbed raw…sucked out…lapped to death… *sigh* Poor things. (Not to mention all the cases of yeastie beasties from all those unwashed fingers being jammed up into twats.) You’re not really missing anything w/ the Twilight part – no worries at all. Not touching the 50 Shades of Abusery part…don’t want to have to Clorox my brain. But, yeah, I’d like a triple double latte grande Eric-has-a-huge-dong-we-get-it-already to go, please…

    Like

  13. Please write more!!! I’d eat a whole damn batch of brownies in your honor and down and extra-large latte too! Well, actually the latte is more for me….But I’d still do it because I love you and this chapter, gorgeous! One of the best giggle fits I’ve had all week!!!! I need more of this brand of fuckery..Please, please please!! *Does patented Puppy dog face #3)

    Like

  14. mommy4thomas2002: Yay – so glad you liked it! I can always count on you to get my humor!! *Congrats on Puppy Dog Face #3 – well done!* LOL! *slides over another latte…*

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Well my pc “died” on me a week ago…
    There’s a lot of catching up to do!
    Loved this chapter and how you teased 50 shades of “shit” here!
    I wonder how many women are going to see this shitty film thinking it’s about love!
    Jackie69
    P.S. wordpress doesn’t recognised me anymore so I’m using my husband’s google account!
    take care

    Like

  16. Jackie69: 50 Shades of Abusive Shit Badly Disguised as Love? Yeah, no, I didn’t support that propaganda for physical, mental, emotional, or sexual abuse when it was in a written format, ain’t no way in hell I’m going to support it in a visual format. If you’re interested, here’s a good article making the rounds: http://www.mamamia.com.au/rogue/fifty-shades-of-grey-review-rosie-waterland/

    What really pisses me off is that said misogynistic fiasco is lulling an entire generation (think of all the poor kids – boys AND girls – being raised by women who think abuse is now “romantic” and “understandable”…) into believing that abuse is, somehow, proof of “love”, that a man will disrespect, put down, control, stalk, abuse, force, berate, or own a woman if he “loves” her, and that if a woman “loves” her man, she will “understand” that he needs to beat the fuck out of her, ignore her choices and boundaries, control her every move, and treat her like shit.

    No, love has NO ROOM for abuse. If a man loves a women, he will NOT beat her with a belt or anything else for any reason. He will NOT order her around like he thinks she’s a moron for any reason. He will NOT disregard and ignore her boundaries and choices for any reason. He will NOT cause her to FEAR him in any way. He will NOT treat her like a brainless, stupid, badly-behaved sex toy that he owns – ever.
    Ugh.

    Also: Thanks! Glad you liked the chapter!!

    Like

  17. Rub a nub nub? Ugh. Pass the brain bleach please! Or chlorox or whatever – just make it stop! And you had to include Emo’s sparkly cum wad again in the warning. I know you crossed it out but not enough – I could still read it. I did struggle with the Twilight references a little cos I only read the first book and couldn’t stop vomiting enough to even stomach the thought of the other two – is it two? I’d rather re-read Sweet Valley High. Or maybe CH’s books? Shudder. Mm brownies….

    Like

  18. ladytarara: *snort* I have a feeling that I should have provided brain bleach at the end of several chapters…my work here is done… **slides over fresh-from-the-oven chocolate-chip super-fudge brownies with a carton of ice cream…that should help**

    Liked by 1 person

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