Just a few of my *observations regarding sex scenes in the fanfic world…

Here’s a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy literary eye-roll I have about some of the “OMGodric – Srsly?” terms, phrases and actions used in fanfic “sex” scenes.  Don’t get me wrong:  the whole point behind writing fanfic is to FIRST AND FOREMOST enjoy creating a story based on the books or tv show that you love – pleasing your readers comes second…and in the case of some stories I’ve tried to read, it doesn’t come at all…

There have even been a few sex stories, for lack of a better term, that were so awful that I’ve read the reviews just to make sure that I wasn’t missing something vital.  Unfortunately, I rarely was.  Now, some of the reviews I’ve read have been horribly rude (and I may have felt bad for mentally agreeing with them…or not…), but I can’t say I would ever leave a review like some of the ones I’ve read.  Know why?  I know where that lovely little “X” at the top of the page is, and I know what it does.   You write sick, abusive, domineering shit?  I click the “X”.  Simple as that.  Then I come here to my own page and write something like this…  😀

(Srsly, I really don’t understand why anyone would want to write forced sex/rape, silly bondage or subservient/submissive shit, much less why anyone with any sort of maturity or discretion would want to read about someone, usually a woman, being treated like that.  That kind of cheesy, disgusting story line is built entirely upon disrespecting someone, usually the female lead…so, seriously, why WOULD anyone write that?  It’s not like they don’t control their own fingers at the keyboard, so they’re doing it on purpose.  I don’t CARE if their excuse to write that shit is supposedly to “show their character’s growth” or whatever other excuse they use for writing a disrespectful Dom Eric or whatever other character.    If that’s the only way they can find to show that the character is “growing”, then they really should find a better imagination. )

Using fics to torture women with rape, forced sex (WHICH IS RAPE), domineering or dominating behavior and other abuse is sick, disgusting, misogynistic, and disrespectful of an entire world’s worth of women, grandmothers, moms, aunts,  and little girls.

Writers write what writers want to write, and readers read what readers want to read…but…geez…Godric…:use some fucking discretion.  *smh*

Now:  on with the show!

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*Apparently female pussies/sexes/love boxes/cunts (a word I DESPISE!)/muffs/vaginas (it’s VULVA, people…vaginas are on the INSIDE!  *sigh*  Here:

The vulva (from the Latin vulva, plural vulvae, see etymology) consists of the external genital organs of the female mammal.[1] This NSFW article deals with the vulva of the human being, although the structures are similar for other mammals.

See? Told’ja.) of all species are always permanently gushing  and/or dripping, and, according to male responses, apparently have a strong odor problem.  Perhaps a doctor should be seen for both situations?  Does all that gushing/dripping  pool at their feet?  Won’t they get a fungus from all that perma-moisture?

*Apparently these females are pretty much in perma-heat…but only after meeting the male (or female?) that fate/the fates/nature/some prophesy or other/whatever has chosen for them.  Also apparently, free choice is – at best – barely an option.  But that’s also apparently ok since her pussy/vulva/love box/gushing cavern craves what’s-his-name so much that she’ll “choose” him anyfuckingway. 

*When going down on said male-of-their-dreams, apparently the female is supposed to “swallow all that he has to offer”…  Does that include his wallet?  What about cars?  Jewelry?  Wouldn’t those be hard to swallow?   Is that supposed to sound better than “thick ropes of cold vamp cum slithering down her throat” or something?

confused*I worry about all those males while they’re “kneeling at her entrance/opening”…  What is she, a cave?  Are bats going to be flying out at them?  What about cave crickets – those bastards can jump pretty far.  And as wet as she apparently is, they might want to watch out for creeping mold entities, too.

ScullyEyeRoll*And males?  Before you go “probing” your “fingers into her most intimate place” or “dipping” your “fingers inside her”, could you wash your hands first?  Seriously, y’all…  Can we say YEAST INFECTION?  How do we know you didn’t just pick your nose or pick up what the puppy chucked up on the floor since your last hand washing?  And for fuck’s sake, if you’ve just dismounted off some ho-bag, don’t be all up in the heroine’s twat straight away – have some fucking respect for the ‘good girl’ and go take a damn shower with Lysol first.

disgusted 2*And as far as vampires are concerned?  Dude, don’t be biting and sucking blood out of  ladies NIPPLES of all things!  One good chomp and the damn thing’d come right off, and we kinda LIKE them, and want them to STAY ATTACHED!  Not to mention OWWWW!  So:  fangs OFF the nipples, please.  (Sooo not going to be using that one…I actually LIKE my heroines and really don’t wanna give them mangled boobies…)

fangs off the nipples*And, well, call me a prude, but if you’ve just had your fingers all up in a lady’s vagina or stroking a lady’s vulva like it’s a pet of some sort, for God’s sakes, don’t turn right around and stick’em in her mouth.  That’s just gross.  Things are probably GROWING in that consta-damp/wet/gushing/dripping cave-cricket infested love-cave and NO ONE wants shit like that in her mouth.  So…don’t be cramming your “dripping” fingers in her mouth.

disgusted*Same thing with faces “dripping with moisture” from having licked her “nub”… (I can’t really bitch too much about “nub”…I hate the term, but really, there just aren’t that many things you can call a clitoris and keep a straight face.)  So:  Don’t be all kissy-face immediately after muff-diving…wipe that shit off first.  Who knows where those fingers have been before you started “pumping” and “thrusting” them all up in her vagina in the first place!

disgusted no me gusta*And…OMGodric…stoppit with leaving slime trails from her wet/dripping/gushing (srsly, seems like we need a doctor in here)/drenched/soggy/mushy/squishy (breathe) pussy/kitty/love canal/heated cavern/fuck grotto/passageway, cave-cricket infested escape-pod-to-Venus over her stomach to her breasts past gramma’s house to encircle the nipples you’re going to accidentally “nip” off here in a minute.  Slime trails are gross – SNAILS, anyone?  Blech.

disgusted snape walking out*And, finally:  Males, if you for whatever fucktarded, psycho reason need to hear your female “beg to cum”, dude…just go back to middle school.  We’ll wait for you to grow the fuck up……not.  If you’re determined to act like you’re some sort of vampire god-o-fuck, we’ll just choose the cute vamp in the corner.  See ya…

buh byeThank you for taking the time to read my mini-rant.

NOTICE of FAIR WARNING and/or IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE:  I’ve probably used a few of these in the past (ok, maybe not so many) and might use some of them in the future (unlikely, but hell, who knows…ok…I admit that I kinda like “heated fuck grotto”…it has a certain je ne sais quoi about it…).

Also:  this is NOT about you.  Srsly.  Well, unless you constantly discuss constantly wet fuck grottos and bit-boobie sucking…

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*My observations are just that:  mine.  These are just my opinions and I don’t mean anything (much) negative by this.  (And by “observations” I mean “things I’ve read just often enough for it to mutate from an eye-roll to a full-blown pet peeve… )  And just think, folks, we STILL haven’t cum to the topic of dicks/cocks/throbbing love poles yet…

*snicker*

If you have any pet peeve fanfic sex phrases or realllly questionable fic-sex practices you’d like to see discontinued or at least explained (or much-needed hygienic advice you’d love to see enacted), feel free to post’em here so we can all laugh…or roll our eyes…or both…

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30 thoughts on “Just a few of my *observations regarding sex scenes in the fanfic world…

  1. There WERE a lot of comments here at one point in time…till I redid the page, then they suddenly all went bai-bai. So: apologies to all who commented…I didn’t delete you on purpose – WORDPRESS did…

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  2. I am laughing my ass off….

    rock on! But not on her nub, nips or tips! HIs throbbing manhood or pecs that look like they could make you dripping, sopping on the floor
    ….

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  3. LOL! Glad you enjoyed it! Yup, let’s leave be her sore nub and half-bitten-off nips and for goodness sakes let’s give her a hair dryer for that weeping cave o’ love…

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  4. ROTFLMAO!!! There are quite a few lemony words and phrases that send me over the edge, but the two that immediately come to mind refer to the vagina: channel and tunnel. Seriously??? Neither are remotely flattering to a woman. When I hear “channel” I think of the English Channel, which evokes thoughts of extremely large size and running water (guess that leads back to the gushing and dripping you mentioned?) And “tunnel” just makes me think of digging, either giant excavation equipment or small animals like moles. Ouch and ewwwww!

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  5. LOL!! See? And there are SO many more words and phrases, and acts, that make you wonder: Just HOW old ARE some of these writers, and have they even had Sex Ed yet??

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  6. LOL! And now I won’t be able to read many smut-scenes without thinking about yeast infections and mould. Thanks!
    Oh, but reading the M-section is a special kind of Russian roulette. My biggest pet-peeve is more when you read a story and end up going “D’aaw, no… that’s not how sex works, I’m really sorry! But that is so sweet and you are so 14!”

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  7. …and you just kind of want to make them rinse their eyes out and go back to school, lol. Yeah, I’ve wondered several times about the age of some of these writers, especially considering the positions they’ve tried to describe (physics and gravity are THINGS, y’all…), or how ‘he’ keeps REPEATEDLY commanding ‘her’ to cum NOW – what is she, a trained cummer dog?? *eye roll*

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  8. To be fair, how handy would that be??

    I gotta admit, I take crazy advantage of the whole “well, he’s a vampire – OF COURSE he can balance on one hand/arm, do successful *nub* play and still provide quality thrusting!
    Because vampires can multitask.

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  9. Okay, you didn’t specifically mention this one, but occasionally a fanfic writer will have an anal sex scene that just leaves me going wtf? For example, using the woman’s “juices” as lube (there was totally a reason lube was invented, guys), or an anal virgin being stretched with just a single finger, occasionally two before taking this supposedly huge dick up her ass, which really logically should be impossible. I don’t know if anyone knows this (apparently not), but rushed and improperly done anal sex is not only extremely painful but can cause all sorts of medical problems. It really just baffles me. Ouch!

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  10. SEEEE??? Exactly!!! Also, why in the world would Sookie, recent virgin, *WANT* Eric’s said-to-be HUGE cock up her ass ANYWAY??? And they never mention anal tearing, ripping, or bleeding.
    Now, I know that some people supposedly do like anal sex, and that’s fine, but even those people who are loosened up by repeated dickings to the point that they’re flinging feces with every step need SOME prep work and lube…

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  11. Hmm, there are some things I disagree with you on, esp the Dom/sub stuff. But not everyone is into it so, meh, no probs.

    As for the ‘opening’ and the ‘cave crickets’.. ROFLMAO. Holy macaroni! That is awesome. And i am never ever going to read that in the same way hehe.

    As for unrealistic gymnastic… One thing that gets me every time.. Sookie is a short arse. Eric is 6’4″ or above (depending on writer).
    Unless he has the spine of a CAT, the height difference makes it entirely impossible to be pounding into her AND sucking her breasts.

    Now if you have this, please don’t think this means i think leas of you as a writer 🙂 I’ll be honest that i am here as a fellow brat. But I will be reading soon 🙂 And i promise i will simply suspend my sense of reality for a moment, and just continue reading =D

    Done now. So much to read!

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  12. That whole “suck AND fuck” routine? Yeah…that requires a bit of a gumby spine or an excellent imagination, lol, unless he withdraws completely….and that’s no fun…

    Happy reading!

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  13. While we’re discussing pet peeves, I read a lot of slash. not usually in this fandom but I am fond of Eric/Sookie/Godric. And my biggest pet peeve that will cause me to stop reading is: SALIVA IS NOT A LUBRICANT! Unless you are a mutant whose saliva glands produce oil, spit dries quickly and gets sticky which does not feel good in a high-friction area and/or situation. rant over and thank you for listening… er, reading.

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  14. You can tell plain as day which fic writers have actual experience versus the ones with theoretical (they read it in a fic) experience, lol.

    If spit were an ACTUAL lube option, then big name manufacturers would be out of business…

    The very few anal scenes I’ve tried (forced myself) to wade my way through just made me cringe. Somehow I just don’t think anal virgins only need 2 seconds of pokey-finger prep before he gets all bright, hocks a spitball on the anus, then rams that big, huge, massive, etc. rod home, ya know?

    Imma go take a shower now…ew…

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  15. My husband tells me to “cum” now. He just means “stop reading fanfics and come and wash the dishes. LOL

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  16. I have to agree with everything you have said.just about every lemon i have read seems like they have been clicked and pasted.maybe it is just me ,but i never did like a screamer to me it seemed like they were just faking to make me feel good.

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  17. andrewpine: Lol, thanks! The first couple of times I saw those inane/gratuitous/degrading/physically impossible sex troupes, I just rolled my eyes and skipped over them. Then they became annoying and, bluntly, insulting to the more aware readers. I get that in fanfics “all things are supposedly possible” and that readers and writers are encouraged to “suspend believe in reality”, but I just can’t do that beyond a certain small percent. Reality is reality and when bent past any believable point, it ceases to “amaze” and “entertain” and begins making my eyes bleed. And when you consider that most adult readers already know that, generally speaking, sex = Tab A goes into Slot B, a sex manual is not only unnecessary, but boring. We already know how the parts work, so spend the words telling us something new that isn’t how Tabs and Slots work together.

    If it’s not already obvious, lol, I read and write with the characters in mind. Any action is meant to expand, add depth to, or further define those characters. Sex scenes can be a great part of that, but my characters aren’t morons who need a sex manual or unrealistic sexual jaunts – they’re not circus performers, lol. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  18. Jessica Cifelli: Slot? SLOT?? 😐 I knew there was a reason I no longer read much fanfic. Does that mean his penis is, what, a coin? I mean if it’s going into a “slot”…seems like they’d rather represent his appendage as being bigger than a coin… *snicker*

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  19. Bravo! I agree. A little late. I’m going to finish your fic, then go to FF.net and have all my sex scenes turn to darkness. Not because I’m afraid of the little fuckers who report on or run it, but because I’m afraid my lemons suck, in a bad way. Besides, my daughter won’t read anything I wrote if it contains sex. What can I say? Girls often turn out the opposite of their mothers. She’s a prude.

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  20. gaijinvamp: Don’t you dare just go off and delete your hard work! If you want to re-evaluate your sex scenes, first do a re-read from the perspective that “someone else wrote it about a different set of characters” and see how it reads then. “Divorce” yourself from it then see how it stands. You may end up rewriting parts of them – Godric knows I sure have, lol – and that’s fine. It just shows that you’re growing as a writer.

    My two biggest things about sex scenes are frequency and quality. In fiction (especially fanfics) a good 2/3rds of them need to be nixed straight up. The story should call – demand – a sex scene to the point that it would just feel wrong to NOT have one in that chapter before a writer goes through the hassle of tossing one in. I freely admit that a lot of writers are nicer than I am and will fall prey to the “gimme more body parts squishing together” crowd. I don’t. If it’s time for my characters to take that step, if the sex scene fills in an emotional plot point (after a huge fight, as a show of deepening – hush – intimacy, or to show some other emotional progression), then hell yeah I’m going to be writing what I hope is a hot, juicy, fun, emotionally intimate scene. I do love a great sex scene, I do, I just like plot more, and I’ve x’d out of so many fics when they prove to be little more than a bad excuse for a sea of slimy smut. Some people want that; I have higher standards. Sometimes a reference to a sex scene or that awesome fade to black will work great – sometimes it’s the classiest option – and that’s perfectly fine. Never ever ever try to force a scene because it’ll come off trite and, well, forced, but on the flip-side don’t avoid one when it’s needed – just never force yourself to write ANYTHING (sex scene or anything else) if you’re not feeling it.
    Sometimes sex scenes really do belong in the adult supernatural/paranormal genre, especially when it comes to, say, VAMPIRES, lol, but they have to be part of an entire story – and feel realistically natural to the story – unless they’re being sold off as just porn without plot.

    My second biggest thing about them is quality. I do not need a sex manual and I hope to Godric I’m not ever writing one, either. I don’t need slime trails and ‘gina-juiced kisses – that shit’s just gross, lol. I have strong ideas about what I consider disrespectful, degrading, and abusive, so I refuse to read or write that crap no matter how badly people try to convince each other it’s “popular” or “hawt” or “awesome”. It’s not – it’s just abusive trash. I adore respectful, fun, sweet, slightly daring, intense, classy sex scenes, and there’s no room for trite, over-blown, unrealistic (keeping the genre in mind, of course), abusive, degrading crap in my world-o-sex. I do think writers should exercise their writing boundaries sometimes – it’s one way to grow as a writer and to affirm your comfort zone – but I’ve read (well, more like “stopped reading during”) quite a few where you could tell that the writer had never HAD sex or where they thought bodies were made of Gumby, etc…silly prattle…wanted to send them back to grade school…

    If you’re at all unsure of your sex scenes, re-read them with a cold eye under the perception that they’re about a different set of characters. Find a beta or a pre-reader who will tell you the Godric’s-honest truth – not a “yes man” – someone who WILL tell you if this/that sucks donkey ass or who will threaten you if you touch it cause it’s perfect. I don’t use a beta because I’m too impatient and my personality isn’t geared toward working well with others, but I do have good fic-world friends who would tell me if something sucked ass. Cultivate those kinds of friendships if nothing else – they’re priceless.

    And of course your daughter doesn’t want to read your sex scenes. She was immaculately conceived, right? *snort* That’s ok, though. My mom never had sex, either.

    Ever.

    (*snicker*)

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Ahh, you found me. Meridian and I don't know why they stuck me all the way down here, but do you see that "Comment" box below me? Yeah, that one... Use it!

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