Sookie Takes Charge, Ch. 11

**A/N: If you read my story “Decisions”, be prepared because you will see some of the ideas presented in this letter again. And if that’s not a HUMONGOUS hint about that story, I dunno what would be…  I understand this chapter may require half a tissue…?**

 The Letter

Eric,

Oh, my Eric, my Beautiful Child, my Golden Warrior…what can I say to you so that you may understand?

How can I put into mere words the overwhelming reasonings behind my choice to leave?

I have wronged you in ways I am only now coming to realize, but for the moment, I must admit that for decades upon decades I have hidden from you the true depths of my sorrows, my torment, even the division within my soul.

Ah, but I am getting ahead of myself as usual, eh?

First, I owe you an apology, one of many I’m afraid.

Do you remember what I said to you the night I brought you into this world of darkness? That we would be Father, Brother, and Son?

In my selfish desire for peace, for release from the shadows surrounding and within me which I shall attempt to explain later, I lost sight of the fact that as you are a part of me, so am I a part of you.

You no longer needed me as a Father, and that is of enormous credit to you. But I lost sight of the fact that when I left, I would be taking with me not just your Father, but your Brother and your Son, as well.

Of all the evils I have done, that is one of my greatest shames.

I was so lost in my own struggles that I had forgotten that we are an entire family unto each other, and when I left you, I wrested from you those other parts of yourself.

I am sorry. Forgive me.

Sadly, I have wronged you in other ways as well.

For the past century or so, and in a way that you were not meant to notice, I have been slowly closing my side of our Bond to protect you from the rotting in the center of my being. This was done for your protection, but in doing so I robbed you of the knowledge you would need to understand my passing, and I did not allow that beautiful light inside you to help soothe and disperse the darkness slowly drowning me.

You did not deserve to be left out of what was happening to your Brother, your Son, and I took away your freedom to decide for yourself if and how you could have, possibly, helped me.

I did this because you did also not deserve to feel the malevolent things I felt, the confusion, the battle that has been waging within me since my own Creation.

There is a beast that resides within us, a pulsing, insidious, invidious beast that slithers into our psyche upon becoming vampire, and it never leaves; it never silences; it never grants us peace.

In muting then shutting down our Bond, I did protect you, but I did not give you the chance to learn from it. As your Maker, I was far too proud to ask for your help, and yet as your Maker, it was and is my duty to protect you from as much as possible – even and especially from myself.

I both failed and succeeded miserably.

You did not need to experience the pain, the desperate despair and impotent frustration I felt every single night when I could no longer ignore the incompatible duality inside me, but neither did I allow you to learn things you may desperately need to know for your own future or that of your progeny.

The extent of my descent is in no way your fault, Eric. And while I plead with the universe that you not experience these things, it is in your best interest that you now be made aware of what could be.

How do I explain to you what I barely understand myself?

My Child, you should realize by now that, as vampires, we are the physical embodiment of a writhing, tormenting dichotomy.

Soon after you first became vampire, do you remember that first time you met the beast that suddenly resided within you?

Do you remember the first time your fangs erupted without thought? I remember, and it was a beautiful sight.

Do remember those first few whispers from your beast, the first time you felt that rumbling in your chest?

I remember the first time you growled, and it was marvelous. My spine still tingles with that memory, knowing that was truly the first time your beast had proudly made himself known to you.

The beast inside of me knew you to be of mine own, and rejoiced.

I was Death, and we were triumphant.

But do you remember the first time your beast came calling with an impetus you could not ignore? The first time you howled in rage? In feral joy?

How about the first time your beast howled in desperate fury and desolate sorrow demanding to be set free in a way that the other part of you knew could not be possible – and you were torn beyond measure?

Imagine living with that beast for well over 2,000 years, and you will have a small, a very small, idea of how I have suffered.

I wanted, needed, to protect you from this knowledge, but now I see that not only have I done you a disservice in not letting you prepare for my leaving, but indeed I could have caused irreparable harm to your future life in not allowing you to prepare for this thing.

That beast I write about…he is a living breathing dead thing aching to come to light, to life. He aches to take over the vessel containing him, owning him by the very life it gives, caging him and never allowing him to come free because such a freedom is not possible. Were he to become free, our deaths would be final, but as he is an animal, a foul, unthinking animal of the lowest order. He cannot know that, cannot understand that his unthinking, uncaring freedom would mean our destruction.

This is the dichotomy inherent between the human and the vampire.

Once Turned, we instinctively fight to retain our origins, the fundamental base of who we are, of who we were before we are vampire, and that fight is constant whether we realize it or not. There is no peace! None!

Sometimes our higher reasoning wins and we retain at least a semblance of who and what we were, and it must be enough.

Sometimes our baser instincts win, and there is death. We then lose who we were and who we were to become as we revel in bloody greed and in the painful destruction we have the power to be and cause and…and it will never be enough.

And there rests the burning incongruity, the rending. We naturally wish to remain as we were, rational, sentient beings with the capacity to love and learn and build and grow, yet deep inside us now is a place where desperate, destructive instincts and depraved commands and vile needs rule. There reigns the lowest being who aches to destroy, who aches and wars with himself to be free to both live and die.

Neither side can truly merge with the other, and that, my beloved Child, is why I tired so of living.

I regret the pain and destruction I have caused in my past, yet, the beast within me revels in fetid and savage glee at having caused that pain and desperation, at having cause that pain and desperation to my own self. Even now he purrs in the memory and snarls with the need to do so again while the man I used to be drowns in sorrow.

It pains me to admit this, but Eric, I regret Turning you. To the very depths of my soul I regret damning you to this life.

Not because of you or who you are – choosing you was the very best decision I have ever made. You are my finest joy, my greatest accomplishment. You are the light that gave solace to my nights. You have so vastly exceeded every single desire and goal I had for you – you amaze me with your spirit, your warrior’s heart, your intelligence…

But if I had this to do over while retaining the knowledge I have now lived, I never would have condemned you to this false life. You deserved far, far better than being forced to live with the demons fighting inside you as they now do me. You deserved rest and peace, not the strife and angst and pain that may grow and evolve as you age.

For truly, I do not believe man is meant to become vampire. Not because vampires are inherently evil, but because the angry, desperate beast of dichotomy, of the division between higher and lower, the division between human and vampire, the inherent division between even life and death, will rot the soul which no longer remains your own.

In death, however, I have found… life.

It now occurs to me that part of my problem in becoming vampire is that I was born part Fae. At least I hope this is the case because if so, it means you may not suffer in such ways as I have, and it is my greatest wish that your unlife be far, far easier than mine own has been.

Oh yes, Eric, your Maker is a fairy hybrid.

When I burned on that rooftop, I did not die.

Instead, miracles still exist – I came…home to what you would call Fairy.

Indeed yes, I was a half-breed when I was Turned. During my youth, the portals between our Realms were often left casually open, and I was able to freely pass between them.

Sadly, once I became vampire this was no longer an option, and my home, my sun, my family…everything was then denied me.

No one knows why I came here instead of going to The Summerlands as would have been my right, but after more than two thousand years, I have come home.

After more than two thousand years, I have once again seen the Fae sun! As I am of the Sky Fae, this means more to me than you could ever possibly imagine.

Here, that beast inside of me has been not completely quelled, but at least he has been silenced, perhaps temporarily, but it is a peace I have yearned for more and more with each passing year…century…millennia.

Because of the brilliant light of the sun and the soothing warmth of the air, and the comforting scent of home…a beauty has been restored to my heart that has been missing since my Turning.

In light of all this, I have come to the conclusion that, as creatures of light and never of eternal darkens, fairies and fairy hybrids are never meant to be Turned.

But miracle of all miracles, I am home again!

And I can eat again! Favorite foods I have missed or forgotten entirely – especially strawberries and peas! Fairy wines, meads…even the sweetest spring waters in the Realm are mine to savor once again.

My heart? It beats! I can feel my blood moving within my veins!

My body? I am warm! I can walk and bathe and sleep in this sun without blistering my flesh, and it is good.

My Brother, I am no longer owned by the sun. I can sleep, actually sleep, whenever I wish, and I awaken only when I am refreshed.

And I dream. I can dream again.

I have the best of both worlds here because I am also still vampire. While I hunger for food and drink, my fangs and I still thirst for blood, and I drink with as much savage joy as I ever have.

Blood is easily collected from the many partially-fae hybrids who live in the area, so my fundamental needs are well, and quite tastily, met.

The vampire urges remain and I doubt they will ever truly fade, yet I have recovered use of my fairy gifts.

It is truly an odd combination.

The darkness is still within me, only, it is subdued, perhaps wilted or drained by this sun? No matter, I will not question the miracle of the joy I have found here.

I only ask that you forgive me should you feel I deserve it, and that you to keep this knowledge of my survival to yourself.

A search is currently under way to find out if it would be possible to return to your side, if only for a visit. Do not think too strongly of this just yet, however, as I do not know if this will be feasible.

Instead, cherish Sookie. Hold her gently and close to your heart. The vampire world has been cruel to her and she has done nothing to deserve this.

Should I see this William Compton, his life is forfeit.

Should I see you, my precious Child, we will have words.

Strong words.

However, I know that your ill-treatment of her, and the perceived necessity behind it, is in essence my fault. Had I been alive, Russell Edgington would never have been an issue. I would have eviscerated him before he could touch a hair on your beautiful head.

Fix this situation with Sookie as best and as quickly as you can – if she will let you. I feel that you have never truly made an effort to know or understand her, and if you should choose to finally do so, I feel you will be very disappointed with yourself for not having done so before.  Do this not for me, but for yourself, and for her.

It is now time for me to close this letter as the lady in question awaits its creation so that she may kindly bring it to you.  

Although she does not know the meaning behind the words, I have given Sookie our code to prove the truth of my existence to you in hopes that will prevent you from doing anything… impulsive. I fear her pronunciation will be quite atrocious, but then, we had only had a few minutes to practice.

Know that even if I am unable to ever come to you, I am well.  I am happier than I ever expected to be.  I am whole.

In ainm an Athar agus an Mhic agus an Deartháir.

~Godric

 

“In ainm an Athar agus an Mhic agus an Deartháir,” Eric softly repeated as he closed his eyes in a futile effort to staunch the endless flow of tears down his cheeks. “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Brother.”

**A/N:  I’d like to send a special THANK YOU to charity6201 and Gyllene for pre-reading this to make sure it made sense.  In some ways the contents of The Letter were hard to conceive.  Godric had to have such a serious reason to be so tired of living that death actually became a “viable” option because otherwise he was such a good Maker – Father, Brother, Son – to Eric that nothing short of unimaginable and unceasing torment could cause him to choose that final death over his Child.  So, what did you think?**

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51 thoughts on “Sookie Takes Charge, Ch. 11

  1. Pingback: Was somebody saying something about a letter? | Addicted to Godric…& Eric…& Andre

  2. Perfect. It gave reason, and yet hope. Hope that Eric will not have as bad of a fight on his hands with his beast. But then there is Sookie. Per what Godric has said, it would be torment to Turn her. What a wicked weave fate makes…..

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  3. 😀 does that say enough or should I mention that The Letter was a perfectly fitting way to sum up everything the show got wrong with that character and that it probably saved Eric’s life in more ways than one…also I’m kinda looking forward to the possible lecture he’ll be giving Eric….and other things I’ll keep to myself!

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  4. Brilliant! Deep and emotional and heartfelt…
    If Eric does see Godric again? *chants* He’s gonna get it…

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  5. Kittyinaz: Thank you – that’s exactly what I wanted to convey. I wanted his reasoning to be sound because he’s NOT a quitter, and he’s not a weak person. It had to be something truly awful to make him even consider leaving Eric behind like that. Plus, with this reasoning, I don’t ever have to have any of my girls (especially Sookie!) Turned! 😀 #GoMe!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. charity6201: Thank you!! I thought TB did his character so, so, SO wrong. I mean, he’s this awesome Maker – totally has all of Eric’s love and loyalty and respect, right? Well, sorry TB but THAT kind of Maker just would NOT wake up one evening and be all, “Oh, so bored…think I’ll go OFF MYSELF tonight!” UGH!! So, yeah, I decided that he had to have had a damn good reason for even thinking it… Glad you liked it!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. ericluver: Hey thanks!! That’s exactly what I wanted! 😀 And yeah, if Godric comes back… (Oops…I shouldn’t be doing that evil-giggle thing here, should I…?)

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  8. galwidanatitud: (hands over 2 whole tissues, cause, you know) Awww, I’m glad you liked it! I just couldn’t see Godric leaving Eric unless it was something HUGE. 😀

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  9. What a beautiful, informative, heart- wrenching letter. Since Eric doesn’t usually seem to have to struggle with what he is, Godric’s pain must be a Fae thing, except he wasn’t a day walker like Warlow. Warlow also had even more trouble controlling himself. I guess the more Fae, the more duality. Yeah, I know he’s not in this story and Sookie went to a better class of Faery.

    I think it’s good that Eric can deal with his emotions privately. Godric’s comment about having “words” probably sounds ominous when he can get past the immediacy of reading the letter.

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  10. murgatroid98: Thank you, and EXACTLY!! Also, Sookie not only knew that Eric would need some privacy because reading Godric’s letter would be an emotional event, but she also knew just how angry Godric had been on her behalf and knew Eric just might need to be able to shudder in private, too… 😀

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  11. BRILLIANT, absolutely the perfect explanation of a vampire and what it means. Your words are exceptional. I bow down before the Master. 🙂

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  12. That was perfect. Such a beautifully written letter from Godric to Eric that must have been so difficult to write! Your imagination is endless! You’ve certainly channeled your ‘inner’ Godric! It truly reads as if it’s something he might have written or said to Eric, and it would seem that Eric might be in for a rude awakening if Godric makes it out of the Fae realm & back to Earth! Sookie was quite kind in giving Eric the privacy needed to read Godric’s letter, and I’m curious to ‘see’ his reaction! Excellent writing. 🙂

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  13. That was absolutely perfect! It totally explained Godric’ s reasons but gave Eric hope that he wouldn’t have to go through the same horrendous experience. I truly hope there is a way for Godric and Eric to meet again because I want to read about The Talk!!!! Chuckle
    I think that Sookie and Eric have a chance as she seems already to be warming to Eric and obviously Eric still loves her. It probably won’t be easy, come on it is them! But it’ll happen…

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  14. msbuffy: Thank you so much!! And you’re right – while the words flowed easily enough, the concept itself was hard to consider. I mean, he’s “my Godric”, and sometimes I hear is voice just a little TOO clearly (if such a thing is possible). In my mind, the whole time he was ‘talking’ about this, he was pointedly keeping his face turned away from me and his ‘voice’ had a somewhat monotone quality, but at the end, I envisioned that he turned around and gave the sweetest smile at being able to finally communicate with his beloved Eric.
    Sookie? At this point her kindnesses toward Eric are being “bought” more by her respect and affection for Godric than by remembered affection/respect for Eric…or so she’s wanting to think…
    😉

    Liked by 1 person

  15. mom2goalies: Thank you!! I was kind of worried that it might not make sense – very glad to hear it did!!
    While I can’t talk about some things (evil grin), I can go ahead and state that Eric will NOT be suffering the same way Godric did…and an E/S HEA is guaranteed! 😀 The going might be a bit slow – they both have a bit of work to do – but they’ll get there. No worries! 😀

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  16. Godric no ha debido de pensar bien lo que estaba pidiendo de Eric, porque hacer que Eric esté más cercano a Sookie, generará una dicotomía en él. Generará la necesidad en Eric de tenerla como compañera para siempre, y la bestia dentro de él, demandará que Sookie sea hecha vampiro, para que ese para siempre sea una realidad. Pero, por las propias palabras de Godric, el que Sookie sea convertida en vampiro, destruiría a la Sookie que Eric querría preservar. Si Sookie fuera destruida, bien por la muerte, bien por el vampirismo, la bestia de Eric quedaría suelta, destruyendo también a Eric (o el humano Eric, como lo ha puesto Godric). ¿No hubiera sido lo correcto por Godric haberle dicho a Eric que no se acercara a Sookie?

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  17. cari1973: Fantástico observaciones y preguntas!!
    Para responder: sí, y no… Godric sabe que las hadas naturalmente vivir mucho, mucho tiempo, y sabe que si Sookie bebidas la sangre de Eric sobre una base regular, ella va a vivir más tiempo. También, porque Eric no es hada, su bestia no será el mismo que Godric’s.

    Godric también sabe que Eric es una persona muy inteligente, qui se piense en estas cuestiones seriamente. Espero que ayudó a?

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  18. Thanks for the letter. For the last couple of chapters I was wondering if you’d post it. I’m glad you did, hopefully it’ll help Eric to stop being such an a**. Please post more soon.

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  19. You did such a great job channeling Godric. It breaks my heart for him and everything he went through. Luckily being in Fairy has made him happy again. I can’t wait to see what happens next. 😀

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  20. The letter was perfect. You can feel the millinea of struggle that Godric fought against. It must be what the mind of a schizophrenic that’s not on meds may be like. A truly living hell. Struggle does not seem to come close to describing it. And he tired of the fight.
    Hopefully, he’s right and Eric will not suffer as much “division” in his soul as Eric. I do hope there is a way for Godric to leave the fae realm so he can visit with Eric at least one time –for closure, if nothing else.
    Eh, TB created such a wonderful character and then short changed themselves and their audience.
    More!
    Pat

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  21. Well I would have gone with the toe fungus that’s been plaguing him for two thousand years but this works too 😉 I guess… no seriously Godric (or you) found the words to express himself quite well and I would have even taken them if they were vague because that’s the thing with suicide; the motivations are always a bit of a stab in the dark to those left behind even when clearly spelled out.

    I think the fact that the show never gave insight for his quest for atonement (while being force fed it with Bill) kept his character enigmatic and intriguing. I always think of Godric with dignity because of it, even though I rationally know he had something to atone for that compounded the guilt. It is a little bittersweet though, for poor Eric (I’m imagining him with his thumb in mouth again), to have this sign of life only for his beloved Maker to still be out of reach but at least they can write to each other in the meanwhile…

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  22. bruja6110: YVW!! And you were right to wonder because even I wasn’t sure if I’d include it until I sat down and started working on it. (Eric’s very private about his correspondence, ya know…) 😀 And poor Eric…he does have a bit to learn about a few things, but he’ll get there. His heart’s in the right place now.

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  23. duckbutt60: Awww, thank you. I’m really glad that the horrible time he had came through because the Godric I envision would never even consider something like that unless he had been truly and horribly suffering for eons. The show didn’t bother even TRYING to show where he was coming from, to all intents and purposes they just had him up and wanting to off himself one fine night for no reason. That was so disrespectful of not only his and Eric’s characters, but to the audience, too. Not fair, and not good.

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  24. hisviks: (*hands over toe fungus killer…I know you’re going to need it at some point…*) Thank you, and you’re exactly right: when a person is depressed they may not have any idea as to the “whys”, especially since the “whys” could well be chemical and not stemming from an emotional situation.

    With the way that the show handled, or rather, didn’t handle, Godric’s suicide, I came to the conclusion that it had to have stemmed from something huge because you could tell by their interaction that he adored his Child, and that he was adored by said Child.

    Heh, keep in mind that this story isn’t over yet… 😀

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  25. The toes are fine for now, I’ll get back to you in a millennia or two…

    I’m kind of conflicted on the Godric suicide on the show, I think creatively it felt right and made one of the most impressive moments on the show even if it left us wondering. In contrast they tried to wear it out with Bill and all the flashbacks and the impact lacked. However, there was mystery left, the relationship between Eric and Godric went without contact for over a century or something like that (because they conveniently met up in WW2 but that didn’t count with the continuity crowd) when they were so near, so there was more to it and warranted exploration. If I had any trust left in the TB people I would petition for a Godric mini series but now they’re not allowed to touch him as far as I’m concerned and I’ll happily leave him in your safe hands detesting shoes.

    Ha! I think that’s the first time you ever let something slip about what’s to happen!

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  26. I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to live for 2000 years. And being a hybrid that has lost the sun would be torture. I hated that TB gave us Godric and then snatched him away, I’m really hoping that there is a way for him to visit Eric even if it is only once. I think it would help Eric deal with it and help him move forward without the pain he has been suffering. Loved the letter! It made me sniff just a bit.

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  27. hisviks: No problem…we can make more ‘remedy’…

    I guess if we were gullible and fell for The Beehl Routine then Bill’s over-dramatics might have made more sense to us, but…yeah, no.

    Why thank you! *elegant curtsy* As far as I’m concerned, The HBO Collective dropped the ball with Godric. There were so many possibilities – so much potential – in his character, but they failed that character (and us!) miserably. And I totally agree – I wouldn’t want them to touch Godric with a 10 foot pole now.

    Qui, moi? Dites que ce n’est pas vrai …

    Liked by 1 person

  28. missingjasamalways: Thank you – I’m glad you liked it! (Sorry for the sniffs…) You’re so right – I’ve tried to imagine what it would be like, and ugh, I just can’t do it, not really, and after a while, I wouldn’t want to be able to, either. (And while I’ll always thank HBO for giving us Godric, I’ll always turn right around and flip their asses off for taking him away!) 😀

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  29. That was beautiful and exactly what Godric would say. I hope he gets to visit and I want to hear his “strong words” he has to put his child in place with his scolding. Just lovely. Thank you so much for the update. This is one of my absolute favorite stories. So well written. Until the next one, be well.

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  30. kinnik7104: Thank you!! It was very important to me that I at least try to capture his voice, and I’m really glad it worked. And keep in mind that, for better or worse, Godric’s definition of ‘strong words’ may be different from what we might expect… Very glad you like it – thanks! 😀

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  31. All caught up. Wish I had time to swap to descisions when I read the ‘new’ chapters. This has me intrigued. Oh well. It’s on my list.
    Now to quickly finish the next few chapters and get back to work 🙂

    Ps. Loved the letter. My heart breaks for Godric. What a struggle.

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  32. the letter was heartfelt and a much needed life me up for ERic. i am sure they will meet in person and i am sure he will have strong words for his son and please let him be the one that kills Bill. hmm a faepire for a King , cool beans. KY

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  33. You’ ve done a great job with a difficult passage. The beast within is a great idea / device to explain Godric’s suffering. I think the tone / writing style are engaging and effective. Hope your inner Hermione likes this teachery comment too!

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  34. ladytarara: It was hard, I’ll give it that, to put what I saw and understood in my mind down on virtual paper in such a way that it might actually almost make sense to those of you who aren’t stuck in my head. I never saw Godric as someone prone to “dramatics” or being all “emo” and shit; he was, in my mind at least, far too logical and had far too much of a “universal understanding”, so the suicide angle had to have come from something else, something so big that even he couldn’t solve the problem/see another path.

    Hermione said hi.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Say hi back to Hermione for me… Tell her being a nerd is awesome.
    I think sometimes suicide is more than just depression etc – it can be seen as a way out of some kind of impossible situation. And Godric certainly had one of those.

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  36. ladytarara: Exactly! Oh, and Hermione said something along the lines of “nerd is the werd” or something…she had her face in a book so I didn’t ask for clarification…

    Liked by 1 person

Ahh, you found me. Meridian and I don't know why they stuck me all the way down here, but do you see that "Comment" box below me? Yeah, that one... Use it!

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