Dad Was Buried Today + Existential Ponderings

Yeah, that.  Dad was buried today, at 11am, and I couldn’t safely be there.  My heart was, and my thoughts, and my mind and soul and grief were there, but my body wasn’t.

That makes me feel…a lot of things, honestly.  Sadness, grief, regret, guilt, sorrow…

He’s irrevocably gone, now, no doubts about it.  Lowering the body into the ground and then covering it up with dirt has a certain cold and cruel finality to it, doesn’t it?

Oddly, I feel like I should feel guiltier about not being there.  To be sure, I feel quite awful that I wasn’t physically present at his grave site when his body was lowered into the ground and I will probably always feel very sad and torn about it, but on the other hand my dad would not have wanted me to expose myself to the virus, not with my health problems at any rate.  (From December into January he kept at me me until I finally got the flu vax…)

COVID-19, that horrid respecter of no one, is ramping up nastily in my area and he truly would not have wanted me to risk my life to pay respects to his empty shell.

He’s like me – the body is just the vehicle which enables us to exist on this planet, and once we’re through with it, it’s…meaningless? and should be left to return to the earth.  We should show respect, of course, through funerals and burials and familial rites and all that, but once the person inhabiting the body is gone, the body no longer serves a purpose other than to remind us of what was and will never be again.

Depending on your funerary traditions, it’s just a cold…mass lying in a cold place in the cold ground usually with a cold marker of some sort so you’ll know which of your dead is where.

It should be noted in one of my famous “interests of full disclosures” that I am by far not a “funeral person”, either.  (Got that from my dad, too.)  If I knew the person while they were alive, while their heart and soul and mind were engaged, why would I want to experience them without those beloved signs of life??  And when those parts of them are gone on, there’s nothing left but sorrow and grief and…and standing beside an opened and then filled hole in the ground won’t help at all with that.

According to my beliefs, in due course I will see my dead again.  They’ve gone on but aren’t forgotten, and until I’m with them again I’ll cry and then eventually I’ll try to remember them fondly rather than with huge fat tears rolling down my face.

We hold our dead firmly in our heart and our mind and our soul because that’s where they are; they are no longer inhabiting the “shell” they used while they were here and have no need for it…”there”.  We pay our respects to that which enabled them to walk our earth, and then we let it go, and we keep the parts of them that live in our heart and our mind and our soul because those are the parts that matter.

My mom and my dad mattered to me; she and now he still live on in my heart and my mind and my soul while I spend the rest of my days on this earth.

I appreciate you guys letting me whine and drone on at you about all this.  It’s doubtful that relating my on-going saga to you has helped anyone but I really hope it has.  We are creatures of emotions and we need a safe, welcoming place to let them run free and I hope you feel that “here” is safe and welcoming for yours, too.

If nothing else, I hope all this has encouraged you to hold on to you living stronger and better.  You can’t really do that anymore when they’re gone…and life really is shorter than you think.

Your support, and yes, I include your Paypal gifts in that, has truly been invaluable.  I’m sorry I haven’t been in a decent enough mind/emotion place to reply to all your wonderful comments here but I have genuinely cherished each one.

Y’all are some damn fine people, and when you share your grief, I grieve with you.  You are not alone.

I can promise you that.

Ok, here’s some generic “end of whine” housekeeping links to click or ignore:

Saga Pt. 1
Saga Pt. 2
PayPal b/c funerals are painfully expensive
Vit. D vid by a cool British doc b/c I don’t want you to die

Now go wash your filthy hands (and take your Vit. D – and no, it is NOT a cure-all but, srsly, look up the research on it FOR YOURSELF then make up your own mind).  If I’m not allowed to let a stupid COVID virus take me out, then neither are you.  I mean, y’all got pets and kids and, like, relatives and stuff who’d miss your ass.  Keep it safe and clean.

I’d miss you, too.  You matter to me.

I can’t swear there won’t be more whiny parts to this saga but I’ll try not to – I’m sure y’all have hella better things to do than read my rambles…and some of y’all need to get back into writing…

~Mer

 

HE’S GONE.

Yeah, that.

Last night at 2 minutes to 2am, his spirit left the body, the shell, he’d used while doing time on planet Earth.

Things are going in “frantic slow-motion” over here now, and it’s fucking hard.  I wanted to keep y’all updated in case you were wondering but…chaos…so I went with another regular post. 

The link to the “backstory” is here (aka: the post before this one):

On Life and the Vile Beauty of False Hope in the Time of Crisis

Thank you for your kind wishes, thoughts, prayers, words of wisdom, offers to talk, and donations.  Every bit of it is appreciated. (And the donations came in especially handy for gas, the “stuff” weird emergency situations require, and food en route to/from for me, so a definite thank-you for that.)

Now I get to muddle through planning my dad’s funeral and burial. 

This sucks.  I don’t want to bury my dad; I just want him to come home.

Rest in peace, daddy, and give’em all a rought time – especially my mom (your wife) and my favorite aunt (your sister) for leaving so damn soon.

I miss you, daddy.

~Mer

On Life and the Vile Beauty of False Hope in the Time of Crisis

My dad won’t be coming home again. 

After traveling around the world working in beautiful and amazing and sometimes frankly dangerous places, my dad will doze the remainder of his life away in a hospice house.

Why?

Because cancer, lung cancer to be exact, robs dreams and lives and hopes and futures.

On March 13th, he was fine.  He ate a nice dinner (Salisbury steak on toast if you’re wondering), took a little nap in honor of his full belly, then later wandered through the house to eat half a fresh green pepper.  Eventually he and his doggie went to bed then a bit later I eventually went to bed, too.

Along about 4am-ish he banged really loudly on my bedroom door to wake me up because he was in physical distress.

He was shaking, clammy, his shirt and t-shirt soaked through with sweat…and he could neither catch nor keep his breath.

I called 911.

One of the last things he did before leaving the house, unknowingly for the last time, was make sure I had the keys to the car. 

The paramedics arrived in good time, quickly surveyed the scene, and within a few minutes they were walking him out of the house to the large “ambulance bed” waiting by the front door.

Dad left the house on his own two feet albeit greatly supported by paramedics.

So, early in the morning of March 14th, dad was admitted to the local hospital, put on a ventilator, and at some point in the mix suffered a mild heart attack likely from the physical stress of struggling so, so, so very hard to breathe.

Remember, this is happening during the major opening salvo of CV-19 – appropriate fears were being shaped, new information about the virus was coming at us right, left, and center.  We were worried that he had what will become known as “the virus”.

He was likely the first in my county, hell, in my part of the state (NC) to be tested and it took almost a week before it came back negative. 

I almost wish it had been positive – that would likely have been easier to cure.

The original diagnosis (while waiting for the results that his then-doctor and I both agreed wasn’t likely to be positive given all the data we had on hand at the time) was bacterial pneumonia.

Yucky, sure, but highly treatable, right, so treatment began.

For some reason, maybe a doctor’s “6th sense”, they sent him for a chest CT scan a few days after treatment began.

Tumor. 

Large tumor snuggling, strangling, around the branch leading into one lung and possibly into said lung as well.  The other lung has some “scar tissue” from a life-time of smoking (and likely inhaled desert sand/silica, who knows) but was nicely functional other than the pneumonia.

Tumor.

Tumors are treatable, right?  Chemo, surgery, radiation, options…lots of options…  Desperate hopes for desperate times, right?

So eventually my dad – still heavily sedated because he was still on the ventilator – was transferred via ambulance to a much larger hospital with many more pulmonologists specializing in…pulmonology things.

This hospital was 1.5 hours away…during the time of a pandemic crisis…may as well have been on a different fucking planet as far as actually being with him is concerned.

I have asthma (CV-19 STRIKE ONE) and am an insulin-dependent diabetic (CV-19 STRIKE TWO) and have COPD (chronic bronchitis if you care) ———– (CV-19 STRIKE THREE). 

No personal visits for this daughter.

I haven’t seen my dad since they took him away on that bed to the ambulance on March 14th.  If I become infected, I will most likely die.  If I remember to do so, at the end of this I’ll link to a couple YT vids by actual doctors that will scare you shitless about the damages this shitty bastard virus inflicts.

Anyway.

So now my dad is in a much better hospital surrounded by lots of super-docs and I’m being told that once he’s off the ventilator (after words like “bronchoscopy” and “biopsy” and “stents” are tossed around like parade candy) and his throat heals from the intubation and he can swallow and eat and drink on his own so he can start regaining his strength, they’ll likely choose radiation to combat the cancer rather than chemo that would be so much worse on him and surgery wasn’t possible given the location/etc of the tumor.

But:  YAY – hope!  A long and bumpy road, especially for him, sure, but hope!!

I’m calling for reports on him two and three times a day, often having the nurse hold the disinfected phone to his ear so I can “cheer at him” – he’d been in “isolation ICU” then when transferred to BiggerBetterHospital just “regular” ICU.

After a while…a very long while…he’s off the ventilator – yay, progress! – and a couple days after that he’s finally able to swallow and drink – granted he’s not back to “Salisbury steak on toast” yet, but still, yay progress!

Surely now that he can actively eat and drink he’ll start recovering his strength from the pneumonia and, dang, but his “heart numbers” had began falling the very night he’d had the problems so his heart’s pretty much ok, too, so there’s hope!!

Right?

Today I’m told he “isn’t a good candidate” for the radiation therapy because he’s so weak and to talk to the hospice coordinator. 

Shock.

Cold, trembly, stunned shock.

But…but wait…

Where did the hope go?

There was hope…and…and now there’s…not?

Why are they giving up on my daddy? 

Why are they shuffling him off to die “in comfort” but without hope?

My head doesn’t doubt their logic – he was on the ventilator for a long time and it did take him a couple days longer to reactivate his swallowing muscles, etc., etc., etc., but my heart is kicking and screaming and bawling her eyes out.

He’s my last parent – mom died in ’11 – and I don’t want to lose my daddy.

But I’m going to unless God drop-kicks a miracle down to his lungs.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve been…lied to?  Like I was given hope only to have it jerked out from under my feet for no good reason.

Hope can be a lifesaver, but, in my experience at least, it can be a cunning, devastating, heart-ripping lie.

So, that’s what’s been up with me.  I’ve been dealing – alone – with the terror of CV-19 while at the same time – and of vastly more specific importance to me – the terror of losing my father.

And because of everything going on and especially given my physical health and vulnerability to CV-19, I can’t find a job.  And because I can’t find a job, there’s no money for gas to visit him in hospice every day assuming I’m even allowed to do so.  There’s no money for a funeral, for a casket, for the burial. 

There’s just me, three cats, and a doggie who misses her daddy horribly.

We originally got Happy for mom – she wanted a little lapdog to enjoy while she became more and more sedentary because of her health problems (the original reason I’d moved back home in the first place – she needed help).  Soon enough that little ‘world’s largest chihuahua’ mutt became the world’s most spoiled UN-lapdog. 

She and daddy were perfect for each other and got along great whenever he’d come home on RnR from Baghdad and, when he retired after mom’s death, Happy became HIS dog.  She took up with him like crazy and they’d prowl around the yard and all on their walks; she’d pile up beside him on the sofa and easily eat half of whatever meat he was eating (“She knows that if she sits next to me she’ll get fed” he’d often say); she slept with him at night. 

They were the best of buddies.

But he’ll never be home again for her to pile up beside of to eat his food, beg for treats (little begging actually involved…) or nag him to take her out for a totally unnecessary walk…or anything.

It breaks my heart on her behalf and on his.

She keeps running through the house looking for him every time I bring her back in from the walks that he should have been taking her on in the first place.

This is killing me and that kick in the gut called “hope” is just making it all the worse.  I feel like the world, God, life, everything is just giving up on my dad and, through him, me.

So…that’s how all this is going for me.  I deeply and sincerely hope you guys are weathering all this shit better than I am.

This pandemic is fucking scary even without suffering through the slow death of a loved one.

I hope you have safe shelter and good food, that you have fun entertainment and protective gear if you have to get out for necessary work or supplies, but most of all…MOST OF ALL…I hope you are not alone.

“Alone” is a terrifying place to be when your world collapses.

After mom died, it was just me and my dad.  He was getting on in years (I was a late baby) and he’d never been one for cleaning house or cooking all that much, that kind of thing, definitely preferred doing the yard-work, tending cars, etc., so it was just simpler for me, already in bad health (whole other story), to stay home, keep him company, and deal with the house and the bills and the cooking, etc.

And so I did.  I quit work in I think it was 2007 to move “back into the family home” to take care of my mom when she needed it, but my health “broke” during that time so that when dad retired a couple months after her death, it truly was simpler to maintain the status quo doing all the things that dad didn’t particularly care to do.  At the time I was still actively writing which took up a LOT of my time as well. 

Life went on. 

And now it doesn’t.

No good deed every goes unpunished, eh.

He has, at best, maybe a month and the doctor wouldn’t even commit to that.

Please forgive any typos…don’t have the heart to read back over this given that I’ve wept the entire time I’ve typed it.  Sadly this wasn’t as cathartic as I’d have liked but I had to try.

What I hope that y’all take from this is:  I don’t know. 

I want you to love your loved ones with all your heart but at the same time I don’t want anyone to ever hurt like I am, so…find a balance? 

I want you to take hope when hope exists but I don’t want you to be kicked in the teeth by that same vile curse.

I want you to hold fiercely to your parents, by whatever definition, as long and as fiercely as you can, but at the same time I don’t want you completely and utterly devastated when they fade from your world.

This is real life and the pain, despair, and terror of this real life is killing me. 

There is no parting salvo to end this on a good note; I just don’t have it in me.

I do care a lot about y’all, so wash your nasty hands and stay home if you can and by all means, stay alive.

Here are some links.  The first one should scare you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J0d59dd-qM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDAvxSKu5kc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5yVGmfivAk

And here’s my paypal if you’re able and inclined to help this constantly weeping daddy’s girl out during a devastating mess.

I’ve cried so much today that my eyes and nose are red and irritated and my head is pounding.  Tomorrow I “get” to park my dad in a hospice home where he will die.

All prayers, vibes, juju, etc., very sincerely appreciated.  Now go wash your hands again and stay home if you possibly can.  Nobody wants to lose you.

~Mer

Today’s column …

Suki59's Fanfiction

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It’s 2019 already?!? How long have I been asleep??

I’d hoped to spring forth at the new year flinging new chapters around at you guys all willy nilly, but that hasn’t happened yet…and then I figured it was unfair to you guys to remain all quiet with nary a peep coming from my end, so…

PEEP!  ???

Yes, I yet live, and no – despite all evidence to the contrary, I have not abandoned my unfinished works.  I’m also not in the process of writing other things “professionally”, either…I’m just in a writing-less funk, that’s all.  Granted it seems to be a long-term non-funky funk, but yeah, it’s just a funk.

The fact that I have unfinished stories is quite stressful to me, and I figure that’s likely part of why I’m in said funk (stress + stress + stress * even more stress = no words flowing from me). 

But anyho, I really did want to touch base with you guys to let you know what’s going on (cause I’m all that an’ stuff…riiiight…) and to let you know that you are NOT forgotten.  I cherish the kind words you’ve sent my way and have in fact gone back to read reviews because they’re an incredible mood lifter-upper.  You guys really do rock the mostest!

TL;DR = I’m still here, words will spew forth at some point, and you guys rock.  Stay tuned, and I hope you guys have a fantastic 2019!

♥

~Mer

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An OB/GYN tackles menopause. There is no wisdom in suffering.

While I’ve not hit this era of my life yet (thank God – it sounds like the body becomes a freakin’ war zone complete with opposing bodily factions, ammo, and a “take no prisoners” attitude), I have to consider that at least a few of my readers are either approaching it or are there already and might need some backup, so maybe you guys might consider this information relevant.
(Plus if I reblog this I stand a better chance of actually finding it again however-much later when I might need it… Yeah, my brain’s still trying to track that FLM, y’all.)
Hope this is helpful to you, your mums, your aunties, your sisters, hell, maybe even your super-grumpy grandad…?
♥
~Mer

Dr. Jen Gunter

There is no wisdom in menopause, only heat.

For many women there is also sleep disturbance brought on by a relentless cycle of waking in a drenching sweat, reigning fury on the sheets, then falling back asleep only to waken shivering as the perspiration evaporates while discarded pajamas silently torment from the corner of the bedroom.

And then there is dryness. Skin, hair, but especially vagina. It is like a desert storm, think shock and ow! not shock and awe.

Some women like to call their hot flashes power surges, but they leave me with no sense of strength. Maybe no one else sees the river of sweat on my top lip, appreciates the porcelain gripping nausea, or understands the gesture of grasping for something, anything, to fan my face, but I know and that is enough.

I don’t resent the aging, I resent the break in stride.

Hot flashes…

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A DIFFERENT MUSE NIPPED MY ARSE – (skip if you want, not an update)

I don’t write poetry so I wrote a poetry.  Go figure.  I blame that damn strange meandering-through muselette (not my MIA FLM who is still vacay’ing w/o me) for this wordage.  I may revise it, may not, who knows.  I don’t read this type of writing (poetry/poems) so I have no idea if it’s any good (any experience I ever had were haikus and rhyming crap, lol).  Enjoy?

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What I Want

I want us, all of us, to be free
To be given the foundation, the grounding, of love and care
So that we may be free, boundless,
To fly and soar and dream far above the earth
To fly without fear of losing ourself,
To fly without fear of losing our way and our source and our time
To fly without fear of never finding home again
Yet free to find where our home should be
Free to find home and free to be home
Free to then fly solely for the joy of flight

~Mer

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This General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) thing?

I’ve copied/pasted (with link! b/c I’m cool like that) some info about whatever this GDPR thing is below my meanderings here.  While the whole thing is a bit confusing to me (the concept I get; what I’m supposed to do about it on a free 2-bit WP account, not so much), I can tell y’all that since I don’t sell/advertise anything and since this is a free, generic WordPress account, I don’t actually have access to crap like “where you live” (Idgaf, just hope you’re warm/cool, dry, and safe) and “how many times a day you go pee” (that would be creepy as fuck, also, Idgaf just so long as your kidneys are all ok and shit), so…?

I do know it’s easy (or at least SHOULD be easy) to unfollow/unsubscribe to my blog (and if you do go all bye-bye, I’ll wave and hope y’all come back soon, just bring coffee when/if ya do), so, um, unsubscribe if you want?  I don’t keep what information you guys *have* volunteered like email address so that my oh-so-frequent post notifications flood your addy  (what would I do with it, ghost-blog your ass?), so…um… <insert something witty here>…

Anyway, here’s this from Clicky Link Thing that WordPress.com on Twitter linked to in their reply to questions about whether or not bloggers had to bother about this whole GDPR thing (and no, I did not read all this crap…I have a life to live, coffee to drink, and foes to piss off – read it if you want, though):

Automattic and the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR)

Europe’s General Data Protection Regulation (aka GDPR) is a new and far-reaching privacy regulation that takes effect May 2018.

This FAQ provides information about the law and how we are implementing the GDPR’s important principles for Automattic’s products and services, including WordPress.com.

We are adding features to enhance user choice and bring more transparency to our practices around the collection, storage, and use of your data. We expect that Automattic products and services will be in compliance with GDPR requirements when the law goes into effect on May 25, 2018.

We’re also providing additional tools and information to help users of our services take the steps needed to comply with the law, if necessary.

Below you will find a list of common questions we have gotten about GDPR and our answers to those questions.

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General Questions

>> What is the GDPR?

The GDPR, among other things, requires companies and site owners to be transparent about how they collect, use and share personal data. It also gives individuals more access and more choice when it comes to how their own personal data is collected, used, and shared.

You can read the full text of the law here. We also found these resources helpful in understanding the principles and specific requirements of the law:

• The European Commission’s GDPR Infographic
• GDPR Insights Page (Osborne & Clarke LLP)

>> When does the GDPR take effect?

The law goes into effect on May 25, 2018.

>> Who does the GDPR apply to?

The GDPR is a European law that grants personal data rights to individuals in the European Union. However, its requirements apply to all sites and online businesses who collect, store, and process personal data about individuals in the EU.

>> How can I get in touch with you with a GDPR related request?

You can contact us through any of the following channels:

• For Jetpack Accounts: https://jetpack.com/contact-support/
• For WooCommerce.com Accounts: https://woocommerce.com/contact-us/
• For WordPress.com or Gravatar Accounts: https://wordpress.com/help/contact/
• For Akismet Accounts: https://akismet.com/contact/
• For Intense Debate Accounts: https://support.intensedebate.com/contact/
• For PollDaddy Accounts: https://polldaddy.com/feedback/
• For CloudUp Accounts: support@cloudup.com

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Questions About Your Rights As A User of our Services

>> What rights does the GDPR give me?

The GDPR gives EU individuals rights to their personal data. There are some exceptions/exemptions to the rights granted by the GDPR, but in general it includes rights to:

• request access to the data we store about you
• request updates/changes to your personal data
• request the deletion of your personal data
• take your personal data to a new service
• request we limit our collection and use of your personal data (e.g., opt out of being tracked by our first party analytics tool)

Although GDPR is a law that only applies within the European Union, we are offering tools to manage your personal data to all of our users.

Additionally, you can expect that we as a company will work to protect the privacy of your personal data, will only collect the data when we have a reason to do so, and will delete your personal data once we no longer have a need for it.

>> How do I request access to my personal data? How do I request changes to it?

If you’d like to know what personal data we have stored about you, please contact us with your request. If upon reviewing that data you need to request changes to it, please let us know and we will work with you to make the necessary corrections.

>> How do I take my data to a new service?

Your site is yours and your content belongs to you. We hope you find our services and products useful, but if you are currently hosted with us and have decided to move elsewhere, we provide you with the tools you need to easily move your site without any extra charges from us. If your site is self-hosted, you can work with your hosting company to move your site.

>> How do I delete my personal data?

Although we’d be very sad to see you go, starting on May 25, 2018, you’ll be able to close your WordPress.com account. Please check this page then for more information.

>> How do I opt out of being tracked when I use Automattic’s services?

We’ll offer an opt-out from our first party analytics tool for WordPress.com users. We are still working to finalize this process for our products. We will update the information here, and in our documentation, with more details about how these processes work once they are ready.

>> How else are you protecting my privacy and my personal data?

User privacy is critically important to us at Automattic. Our privacy principles align with many of the GDPR principles, and we built our products and services with those principles in mind.

• Control of Your Content. We aim to give you as much control as possible over who can see your content. For example, the WordPress.com Privacy Settings give you choices to make your site public, private, or hidden from search engines, and Page Visibility gives you options about who can see specific pages on your site.
• Strict Guidelines on Providing User Information to Governments. We understand that safeguarding our users’ private information is a vital aspect of the trust our users place in our services to keep them safe, and in some cases, anonymous. Our Legal Guidelines describe when we will disclose user information in response to requests from law enforcement or from complainants in civil litigation. (And we have a reputation for challenging overbroad requestsーfor example, we successfully argued to lift non-disclosure orders on National Security Letters from the U.S. government that prohibited us from revealing information about those requests to our users).
• Your Security is Our Priority. While no online service can ever be 100% secure, we work very hard to protect your information from unauthorized access. We support and promote encryption of user data and we encrypt all traffic (serve over SSL) for all WordPress.com sites, by default. You can read more about our WordPress.com security features and Jetpack Security Features. We also offer and *highly encourage* you to use our advanced security settings, like Two Step Authentication for your WordPress.com account, to help protect your account and your data.

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Questions About Your Responsibilities as a Site Owner

>> What Tools Do You Offer to Help Me Comply with GDPR?

We provide tools to help you manage your user’s data, and to respond to requests from your users, for example, the ability to delete comments on WordPress.com, or to delete order records from WooCommerce. There are also other tools described in the question below. In general we try to make it possible for you to manage your site without needing our help, but if you get a request from one of your site’s users that you don’t have the ability to fulfill, you can contact us to request our help.

We also put together a Privacy Notice and other support documentation to describe the personal data that we collect on your behalf about your site’s users. That notice can be found online at https://automattic.com/privacy-notice. We hope that information helps you in drafting your own privacy policy for your site. Speaking of a Privacy Policy….ours is available under a Creative Commons Sharealike license. You’re more than welcome to copy it, adapt it, and repurpose it for your own use. Just make sure to revise the language so that your policy reflects your actual practices.

>> What data do you collect about the people who visit/use my site?

We aim to collect the minimal amount of data necessary to provide your site visitors with our service. Please see our Data Collection section below for more information about what we collect and when.

>> My site saves people’s personal data when they follow/subscribe to it or purchase a product on my site, and when they like or comment on a post or product; how do I manage this data to comply with GDPR?

Your site saves information about a person who follows or comments on your site in order to provide this service to them and email them updates about their sites

If a visitor to your site requests access to the personal data you have saved about them, we can help you to gather the data we have saved via our service. You can contact us to request that data.

If a visitor to your site requests you delete their data from your site, you have the tools at your disposal to do this. For information on how to manage/delete comments on your site, please see https://en.support.wordpress.com/manage-comments/. Additionally, subscribers to a blog are able to unfollow it at any time and the link for that is included in the footer of the follow emails.

If your site is not hosted by WordPress.com, but on a different server (self-hosted), you can use the tools provided by WordPress 4.9.6 and WooCommerce 3.4 to export and manage your users’ data.

>> Some of the Jetpack modules, like Jetpack Comments, collect the personal data of visitors to my site. Do you provide any tools to help me manage the privacy of this data?

We do! In our new Jetpack Privacy Center you can find information about the data we collect and use on a module by module basis. We published this to help you disclose in your site’s Privacy Policy an accurate list of what data your site collects about them to your site’s visitors.

Additionally, because many of the Jetpack modules are the exact same features we offer on WordPress.com hosted sites, WordPress.com site owners can also use the Jetpack Privacy Center to inform their own privacy policies.

>> Can you tell me more about Google fonts on my site?

The Google fonts API collects a very limited set of information and uses it only for serving the font to your site. You can read more about the data Google collects, stores, and uses in connection with Google fonts here: https://developers.google.com/fonts/faq.

>> What is a Data Processing Agreement (or amendment) and do I need one?

DPAs are contractual tools for web sites and companies to make commitments to their customers, vendors, and partners that their data handling complies with the law. It is not relevant or needed for the typical free site owner or hobbyists.

We are able to provide data processing amendments to users of our paid plans/products on WordPress.com, Jetpack, WooCommerce.com, Akismet, or PollDaddy. If your site has an active upgrade on one of these services, please contact us to let us know what you need.

Having a DPA does not change any of our practices regarding your site or your visitors. Everyone using our service gets the same high standards of privacy and security.

 

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Data Collection Questions

>> What data do your various services collect about me?

We have always tried to collect the minimal amount of data that’s necessary.

For example, when you sign up for WordPress.com, we ask only for limited information needed to set up your WordPress.com account. We require an email address and a username, nothing more. If you purchase a paid plan, we’ll need additional information to process your payment. You are welcome to add other information to your public profile and account settings, but we don’t require you to give us any other personal information to get your account up and running. The same principle applies to all our products and services.

For a more detailed description of the data we collect, please refer to our respective policy pages at https://automattic.com/privacy/, https://jetpack.com/support/privacy/, and https://docs.woocommerce.com/documentation/get-help/woocommerce-com/privacy/.

>> Does Automattic sell or give away my personal data?

We do not sell your private personal information.

We will share information about you in limited circumstances, and with appropriate safeguards on your privacy. You can read more details of when we share your information, and what we share, in our privacy policy.

>> What information do you collect if I use your WooCommerce plugin without connecting it to a WordPress.com or WooCommerce.com account?

If you do not connect an Automattic plugin to a WordPress.com or WooCommerce.com account, we do not receive or store any of your personal data, nor do we have access to the data about your site’s users/customers. The exception to this is if you enable WooCommerce Usage Tracking.

>> What data do your services collect about the people who visit/use my WordPress.com or Jetpack enabled site?

As with the data we collect about you, we try to collect the minimal information required to make our services available to the people who use your site. We have created a new privacy notice to detail exactly what that information is and how we use it, which is available to you and to your site visitors at https://automattic.com/privacy-notice.

>> What information does woocommerce.com collect, store and share when someone has a woocommerce.com connected account?

When you make a purchase on WooCommerce.com and connect your account, we will know what sites you are using the subscription on, but generally do not get additional usage/personal data about you or your customers. There’s a few exceptions:

• Jetpack and WooCommerce Services do send us data about your customers in order to fulfill their services. You can find more information about that at https://jetpack.com/support/privacy/ .
• We will receive the information described at https://woocommerce.com/usage-tracking/ if you have enabled WooCommerce Usage Tracking.

>> How long do you keep logs?

Our system logs, which record information about visitors to Automattic’s websites, are kept for 30 days after which they are deleted.

>> Where are your servers located?

Automattic’s servers are all over the world. This allows us to provide the fastest service to our users, and to the visitors viewing our users’ sites, no matter where they live. It also allows us to keep our service, and your site, running should one or more of our servers go down.

Although we have servers all over the world, at present all personal and site data is stored exclusively on US based servers.

There, I made it all pink for an enhanced visual presentation.  Or something.

Have fun, y’all, and if you find the FLM skulking about, please send that sweet little shit back this way, m’kay?

♥

~Mer

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Asked and Answered

She lives!! (And we’re the better off for it, too!)

inlovewitheric

Hi there!

I’m sorry I’ve been MIA.  Life has gotten crazy and I’ve just started a new job – but I’m hoping the commute (by bus) will allow me an hour or so a day to write.  However, I’ve been ask on more than one occasion about Deathly Fashion Sense.  I’ve removed it to rewrite it.  But I’ve been asked if I can repost the original for those of you who want to read it again.

So, I’ve created a new location called Unscriptedthat will house such items.

Deathly Fashion Sense is reposted in all it’s faults, bad grammar and poor sentence structure.  But since it was my first story, I think I did pretty well.  At least I hope I did.

I’ll be posting the new version soon as well as working on the next episode of AED.

Thank you all for reading and sending me notes. …

View original post 7 more words

Love on Location Cover

Fantastic cover for a fantastic book!

September Roberts

Cover reveal time! Enjoy!

Kristian Norris designed this beauty for me!

View original post

Decisions, Chapter 39, is up!

Hey guess what?  Yup, Cara was chatty.  Oh, was she chatty (it’s a long chapter – longer than I’d thought it’d be – go pee and grab a drink and maybe a snack). 

I always think of lots and lots of things to say (write) “here” but when it comes time to actually SAY (WRITE) anything, yeah, I draw a blank.  It’s annoying. 

Anyway, here’s the chappie – enjoy, and lemme know what you think!

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*shrug*

You’re still here??  Go!  Read!  Enjoy!!

If you’re looking for the answer “to life, the universe, and everything”, spoiler: it’s 42.

If you’re wondering how the cottage pie I just made turned out, you’ll have to wait – it’s still too damn hot to eat.

If you’re looking for the (suspiciously conveniently placed) link to my GoFundMe page, well, there it is.

Now shoo – happy reading!

~Mer

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I found some words! (aka: *tap tap tap* Is this thing on?)

Not *all* the words, dammit, but at least some of them, and that totally counts, right?  RIGHT?

So…this is just a heads-up:  I’m working on the next chapter of Decisions (yes, that antique Godric/Cara fic Decisions) and I wanted to let y’all know in advance so that – if you’d ever been reading it at all – you’d have a chance to do a bit of a (likely badly needed) reread before the chapter magically appears (sometime between “now” and “then”, btw, so no holding your breath…).  I’m currently only 1,183 words in, but D chapters aren’t generally marathons.  I’m guessing I’m about a third of the way through, give/take, atm.  It’s going well, though, hence the “warning”.

Anyway, I yet live…words still exist in places both known and unknown…and occasionally I even find some of them.  I feel guilty as fuck about how long it’s been since I’ve posted anything on One Night, Sookie Takes Charge, and The Moon (Gawd but PreggoSookie is soooo gonna kick my ass), and we’re not even gonna talk about EN:ATS…  *cries a little*

At least Cara took pity on me and decided to visit for a while.  She’s great to hang out with and is really nice when she wants to be.  She still has problems with her reflex-o-fangs, but meh, we’re used to it.

Annnnd…well…yeah, so, that’s where I am with the fics for now.  Lemme know if you’re still out there!

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~Mer

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Remember AlphaEN’s DT;RT? Well, it’s now complete.

AlphaEN’s “Die Tonight; Rule Tomorrow” – sequel to her beloved “Put Me First” – is an old friend of mine.  We go way back, y’all, and the journey she takes Eric and Sookie through in both stories is filled with the most splendid ups, downs, sideways, and everything-in-betweens that you could want.

As some of you know, her site is password-protected, so if you reach a “blocked” page, just shoot off an easy request for the password and voilà – the magic of her writing is, can I say it…??  Magically accessible!  If you’ve never experienced that which is AlphaEN, start off with “Put Me First” then build up to “DT;RT”.  You’ll be glad you did.

I admit it – I’m sad the story, the grand adventure, is over, but I’m thrilled with how it all ended, thrilled that “our” Eric and Sookie have their well-deserved HEA.  I feel like one of my old friends has come of age now, and what an age it is!

Go forth, my friends, and enjoy the marvelous world of “Put Me First” and “DT;RT” – they’re complete in all their luscious, adventuresome, fantastical glory.   Be sure to let her know what you think of her chapters  – we writers love hearing from our readers – and enjoy.   She’s a great lady, a great writer, and a great friend.

Now I’m going to go pout that her stories – THAT I NEVER WANTED TO END – are complete…

*pfft*

~Mer

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New Chapter – ON – 4th Night – Pt. 5

Hey, hey, stop throwing rotting veggies at me for taking so damn long!  (At least reach for the still-usable produce – I can make soup!  Oh, hey, a roast wouldn’t hurt, well, unless it’s frozen…)

*Happy Thanksgiving/Turkey Day/Thursday! *not a chapter

*although updates will be mysteriously appearing sooner than later along with the ubiquitous gripe/complain section*

Whether you’re celebrating? observing? American Thanksgiving, Turkey Day, or just-plain-Thursday, I hope you’re surrounded by beloved family, friends, and pets, that all those dearest to you are hale, whole, and hearty, that you genuinely do have much to be thankful for, and that you have a fire in your heart and antacids for the one in your belleh from eating way too much.

Maybe that last bit’s just me…

Hearts and stuffin’,

~Mer

**PS:  And you gotta know that Eric’s wee li’l spider is all full, fat ‘n happy in the corner of Gran’s kitchen where she’s turned out the most amazing Thanksgiving dinner ever complete with *two* different pumpkin and *two* different pecan pies (she’s in an experimenting mood, you know), and this year she even made her company-quality cherry-almond torte ‘special for Lala (an’ Jason don’t-mind-if-he-do…he’s good like that).  She invited him to join her an’ Jason because she didn’t want him to be alone, and she’s missin’ Sookie somethin’ awful.  It’s sad that she’s surprised by just how much she’s missin’ that girl and hopes she can see her soon.   Jason, well, he’s always been a bit smarter than he wanted people to figure out so he’s watchin’ the proceedin’s with an “it’s about time” gleam in his pretty, pretty eyes…but that ain’t stoppin’ his elbow from bendin’, though…not much would, come to think…  Lala’s noticing and thinking the same things just with more cussin’ involved, and while he’s appreciative of the invite – Gran’s a fantastic cook, after all, and cooks do get right tired of cookin’ their own eats after a while – he’s glad that Gran somehow managed to figure a few things out about life before it’s too late.  Now, about that cherry-almond torte…

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A tiny surprise + words

I’ve been feeling really badly about leaving you guys hanging for so long (I really hope your hands aren’t hurting!) so when I had a bit of a thought about apples, I ran with it in hopes it might help cheer you guys as well as my rather depressed muse. 

(The ridiculously huge bills flooding my mailbox, the fact I’m *still* on crutches, *still* in the 1,000-lb boot, *still* have to use the ‘chair to go to the dr – and that’s pretty much the only place I *can* go given the money sitch – combined with so many other small and massive issues = one depressed muse.  She’s starting to look pretty damn wilted at this point.)

Anyway, while the entirety of this drabble? (I never know what to call stories when their classification is based on length) is 1,005 words (not including my ubiquitous ANs – they’re, like, mandatory, right?), I like to think it’s setting Sookie up for a far better future. 

It’s my gift to you guys, and I hope you enjoy.

Let me know what you think, and I hope you have a fantastic Friday.

~Mer

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Just a THANK YOU!/update/other words

Here – catch:  a heart-felt (and probably painfully loud so you might wanna step back a bit…a little more…a little…ok, that should be about right) THANK YOU!!! to everyone who has donated to the GoFundMe!!!!

You are the very BEST readers and I absolutely appreciate every single one of you anyway, but your response to the GFM has truly blown me away.  Your support really does mean the world to me.

(I didn’t set the account up so I don’t know how GFM works so I don’t know how to individually thank the fantastic people who donated but I did want to thank you guys somehow!)

A better THANK YOU!!??

Eeeennyway…

The campaign has not ended.  I still have to go for daily super-strong antibiotic IVs (“infusions” or if you wanna be all medical, “infusion therapy”), bi- and sometimes tri-weekly doctor (usually nurse) appointments, and I have at least one (probably two but I’m hoping the dr forgets) more surgeries in my future.  (Oh, the joy.)  Bluntly, I’m doing a LOT better health-wise but I ain’t out of the woods yet – it was just *that* bad, previously. 

Here’s the handy-dandy link in case someone’s won the lottery:

https://www.gofundme.com/paying-it-forwardhelping-karen

Fic-wise, I *have* been thinking about my stories, especially The Moon and One Night.  Thinking…but not writing yet.   You’d think having to remain off my foot (and in/on bed/chair/wheelchair as I’m STILL not allowed to put ANY pressure on my foot AT ALL) for 23.5 hours a fucking day would be conducive to writing, however…it is not.  I’m still too damn frustrated over all this mess *to* concentrate effectively on all the ins and outs of my fics. 

(Why did I have to go and make them so dang complicated?  Granted they’re not nearly as complex as many of our other writers’ plots are, but still…*grumph*)

I did want you to know that I have not forgotten my fics, and I haven’t forgotten you guys, either.  This health mess is just taking for-freakin’-ever to resolve.  But it’s getting there.

Eventually.

Thank you again, and I really appreciate your patience, your kind support, and of course if, your hard-earned cash.   (You knew I was blunt, right?  I mean, rly, you knew this already, right? *innocent face*)

*snicker*

♥

~Mer

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Pondering Our TB/SVM Fandom ♥

Since True Blood ended/died in a bloody massacre, there have been thoughts, fears, and vague mutterings that our beloved fandom is dying (quickly, slowly, or otherwise). 

I don’t see it that way. 

To me, let’s just say that our fandom has become more… streamlined.  We started out as “a group of everyone” including the rabid, the flighty, the vaguely interested, the temporary, and the totally dedicated…and everyone in between.  Now, thanks to life and its sometimes-great, sometimes-cruel hand, we’ve evolved – we’re now distilled into a harder, stronger core group of readers, writers, and “both”.  At least, I like to think so. 

There are TB/SVM readers left and there are TB/SVM writers left, and the floor is always open to new readers and writers wanting to explore all-things-Eric-Sookie-Godric/etc.  Some readers only have a few minutes or hours a week to read, and some writers may only have a few stories to tell while others have many, but all are still welcome in our rather resilient fandom.

As for me, I’m not stopping, not yet.  I have stories to finish, and there are still some plots buzzing around in my woozy head that may demand to be told.  Thanks to a nasty medical emergency it might be a while until I can get things calmed down enough to actually write the words down on virtual paper, but they’re still in there somewhere.

Sadly, some of our writers didn’t want to leave yet life took them from us too soon and we’ll forever mourn their loss.  For hopefully better and never worse, quite a few of our writers have been swallowed up by their daily lives and left the fandom for innumerable reasons, and while we hope they’ll find their way back to us someday, we wish them well.

And then…there are the writers who have sharpened their teeth in our world and  gathered their courage to move on to other projects – our lovely Gyllene (click over and give her some love!) is the latest to venture forth on her own fantastic journey.

I want to wish her well on her future publishing venture and remind her that the door to our TB/SVM fandom is always open.  Her fanfiction talent will be sorely missed (and maybe she’ll bring coffee if/when she does return!) but I do hope to read her published works far sooner than later.  With her, I don’t sense that this is “goodbye”; it feels more like a “see ya soon…hey wait, Eric did what?!?”  ♥

Again, our fandom isn’t <insert negative or melancholy thought here> – we’re simply streamlining – distilling down to our core, dedicated group of lovely readers, writers, and “both”.  And that proverbial door is always open!

More later,

~Mer

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HEAD. DESK. – repeat x infinity

Massive icky medical bullshittery (in hospital 11 days)…discharged home Friday…has lead to Maximus Lifeus Fucking Interruptus for me.  Yep, I’m home now (and, srsly, thank God because if I had to spend ONE MORE FUCKING NIGHT in that rabid-marshmallow SUCK YOU IN AND NOT LET YOU GO torture device the medical community calls a “hospital bed” I would fucking blow an artery – really, have you ever tried to even just TURN OVER in one of those fuck-ass pieces of bondage shit?  Forget about trying to scooch around to get comfortable – it ain’t gonna happen) and slowly, slowly… – OMFGODRIC OH SO FUCKING SLOWLY – recovering, but now commences the ensuing daily – sometimes hourly – load of (bullshit-infested) You Have Got To Be Shitting Me + This Is A Load Of Bullshit * What, Again?? chaos.

At the end of it all, though, I am alive.  My nerves are rattled, my daily life is disordered to fuck-all and back, and my sanity after all that may be questionable (fucking hospital beds and their “breathing” mattresses meant to keep bed sores, kind thoughts, and actual rest away can go fuck themselves with their electrical cords), but life goes on in all its battered, misbegotten, ill-spent glory.

I am working on fics – I am (dude, SEVRIN anyone??) – but I doubt Eric would appreciate it if I went off on a rant during a “tender scene”.  (I dunno…he’s a vampire of experience…he’d probably get a kick out of it;  Sookie…not so much, and I’m not gonna go pissing off fairy hybrids, well, not yet…)  Sevrin would probably kind-of maybe get off on some of my tangents…well, in my imagination he would…  *dreamy sigh*  Oy – someone call Willa off me!

So, that’s the State of My Life now.  Ah, the joys…

(Place awkward transition here) All this shit is expensive (the pain, aggravation, and the accompanying bitching/whining are free, though, fwiw…lucky me), all of it, even stupid medical supply things and drugs that you’d never thought you’d have to have, the costs of hospital stays and “specialist” consults and x-rays and a vampire-colony’s worth of blood tests every hour…  *sigh*   A wonderful friend of mine started a GoFundMe for me and while it might be bad form to hawk it here, well… *pfft*…catch:

https://www.gofundme.com/paying-it-forwardhelping-karen

Donate if you want, broadcast if you want – I tucked it in here at the bottom of the post all sneaky-like so that no one would feel obligated.  I’m awesome like that (or at least I try).

Anyway, hope you guys are having a better day/week/month than I am.

♥

~Mer

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Anyone ready for ON – 4th Night – Pt. 4?? It’s up!

Just that – and it’s a nice (massive) Part, too, so walk the dog, go pee, make a good snack (nothing healthy, please – this is all meant to be fun!), and grab something cool (or warm for any Southern Hemmi readers out there) ’cause this one goes on a bit. 

Generic Update of ON Updatedness *wee teaser*

…or something.  This is just me letting you guys know that I’m only a day or three away from the next ON part (depending on that interferin’ RL thing).

Do y’all give a shit about word counts?  If you do, right now it’s at 6,708 (and growing) according to Word (WP counts differently for whatever reason).  If you don’t, unread that last sentence; I’ll wait.

Anyway, here’s an un-final-FINAL-drafted wee teaser for ON, 4th N, Pt. 4…aka: One Night, The Fourth Night, Part 4 iffin you wanna be all official an’ shit…  You know the drill:  the following is subject to minor/possibly major/whatever changes before posting.  (Bits and pieces of this Part keep magically disappearing – might wanna keep this for posterity cause technology keeps fucking with me…)

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STC, Ch. 36, is up!

You know how Sookie likes to be in charge?  Well, that was the problem with this chapter and why it took so long to write.  I forgot that…Sookie likes to be in charge.  Brilliant, right?  Shaddup.  Anyway, when I got bright and shut the hell up up and let her speak, BAM – here ya go!  Eric, naturally, had to chime in at the end, though, so there’s that.  (Can’t keep a good Viking quiet for TOO long, now can we?)

Hope you enjoy, and be sure to let me know what you think!

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And thanks as always to the fantastic Gyllene for the gorgeous banner above and to Kittyinaz for the gorgeous banner above the chapter!  These two amazing ladies aren’t just truly talented banner-makers – they’re brilliant writers, too, so check them out!

Enjoy the chapter!

~Mer

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IT LIVES! One Night, the 4th Night, Pt. 3 is up!

Typing fast, hella thunderstorm RAINING DOWN RIGHT ON MY HEAD (well, loudly on the roof of my house)…so here, catch!  There’s the usual tiny bits of humor in this Part but BEWARE the BITS OF SECONDARY PLOT as they creep up/spring out at’cha, so…keep an eye out!  Enjoy!

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*diving for cover…send coffee, donuts, grilled cheeses, and reviews*

~Mer

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*peep*/TEASER

Now you can’t say you haven’t heard a peep out of me, right?  *glances around room*

Anyway, RL, blah blah blah – hey, do you want a teaser for One Night – The Fourth Night – Part 3?? 

THIS CHAPTER IS NOT FINISHED YET – I just wanted to let you guys know/give you visual proof that I am, in fact, actively working on it.  I won’t say anything about the three OTHER versions of this chapter I’ve already written then tossed.  Nope.  Not a word about I’d get so far into the chapter then decide it wasn’t good enough/didn’t feel right/sucked ass and hit that lovely delete key.

See?  Not a word…about murdering my own words.  *sigh*  (This totally counts as “suffering for your art”, btw.)

Anyway, at some point in the near-to-faaaar future the rest of this chapter will magically appear before your very, um, inbox.  There is more written than I’m posting as a teaser – hey, a girl’s gotta have SOME secrets, right – I just wanted to give y’all a bit of proof since it’s been a while.  You know the rules –  the material is subject to change, corrections/additions/substitutions may be made, read it again when it’s actually posted to be sure, etc. 

But yeah, here: catch!

Wait, no, um…where were we?

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With as much grace as he could muster under the slightly painful and highly frustrating circumstances, Eric followed his silently smirking Maker out of the house to the burgundy SUV somehow ready and waiting at the top of the circle.  As he folded himself into the vehicle with a grimace, he had to be glad of the additional leg-room provided by the SUV’s design and wanted to think he had successfully hidden his…discomfort.

Sookie’s impromptu hair petting session had left his pants tighter than comfort would allow but unfortunately that wasn’t a new thing where she was concerned.

For fuck’s sake…  Why, after a literal millennia, am I suddenly so susceptible to one woman’s touch?  Why?  Granted during my toddler years…so easily excitable…but that was then…!  I’d gotten over that, surely?  Untried 15-year-old boy now…  Ugh!  Down through the ages…the most beautiful women…the loveliest maidens…could choose at will…  Never had a problem performing, could go for nights on end, but could easily turn from such distractions when I wanted or needed to…  Now…now all one little shit – a fucking virginal shit at that although she had to have known exactly what she was doing…all she has to do is run a dainty little fingertip down my ear and I’m fucking toast…  Could it be the fairy allure?  Doubt it…that would lead to draining more than fucking, although that could be part of it…  No, this is all…her…no desire to drain her, only to fuck her senseless…

Godric remained silent as he drove them toward Dallas proper.   Normally he enjoyed a bit of speed to liven up any drive – vamping, as the young ones called it, was much more preferable, but what can you do? -but he proceeded more sedately to give his child a chance to reclaim the necessary facade.

Sookie…what a cheeky brat!  And so perfect for his complicated progeny!  Buy his child a treat indeed…small bouncy balls sounded more appropriate by the minute.

He’d most certainly heard what had taken place between Eric and Sookie both during his telephone – annoying things, those – conversation and thereafter.  Sookie would likely have been mortified if she’d known…the child had yet to understand just how powerful vampire senses could be.  She would learn in time, though.

Vampires never had the luxury of not knowing.  Whether for better or worse, from the time of their first rising there would always be few secrets of a physical nature between vampires in close proximity one to the other even when they didn’t share a familial bond; that bond simply ensured that were far fewer secrets.

It was necessary for survival and he had routinely thanked whatever gods there might be for it’s existence especially during Eric’s baby and toddler years, but the night a vampire was made was the night any hope of privacy died. 

Unless the progeny suddenly became Makerless; it happened.  Regardless, with age came knowledge of how to limit most perceptible physical responses, and with age also came knowledge of how to limit what passed from one familial vampire to the other.

Just now the spikes of confusion, frustration, and curiosity bombarding him from his progeny were, however, incredibly entertaining. 

He sensed when Eric finally reclaimed a few of his more important mental processes although he couldn’t hold a bit of night-dreaming against the boy.

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So…there ya go.  I still exist, this story is still under construction, allergies suck, and I know of at least one litter box that needs de-clumping.  Oh, the joy.

Have a great weekend,

~Mer

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STC, Ch. 35, is ready!

I would very much like to thank you guys for your patience (whether you wanted to have it or not) – it really does mean a lot to me!  And, on that note and without further ado and other such clichés as are appropriate, catch!

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