TwiFuckery, Ch. 5

YOU KNOW THE DRILL – READ ALL THE PREVIOUSLY-POSTED WARNINGS ON ALL THE PREVIOUSLY POSTED CHAPTERS, ETC.  (Quick read version: NO BITCHING – THIS IS ALL IN FUN – IT’S A CRACK-FIC FOR A REASON. BRING COFFEE.)

**A/N: I have not, nor will I ever, read SM’s fanfic of her own Twi-series. I just can’t make me do it.  But here’s this…**

Emowad looked at the book in his trembling, Adonis-like hands and shook his burnt copper-topped head dolefully and with much sadness.

And confusion.

There was always confusion.

The disdain was usually hidden behind his always-casually-arranged cashmere scarf tossed with carefully arranged nonchalance over at least one – if not both – of his shoulders.

The writer of his favorite Saga – the one he loved and hated and loved to hate and hated to love but usually just mentally masturbated to since he had been told it was wrong to TOUCH HIMSELF PHYSICALLY *he giggled* was wrong – had basically…he couldn’t even say it.

So he thought it.

She’d basically written a fanfic of her own work.

Basically.

And then had the gall to charge for it.

He couldn’t bring himself to open that first page.

Or the second one.

Or the third one.

You get the idea.

If the roles between the HEA couple were reversed as the propaganda surrounding its release (what, are books in jail before they’re “released”?) had stated, did that mean The (Adonis-Like) Boy Who Sparkled (In An Adonis-Like Way) was now a *114-year-old human man?

Did this mean that The Girl Who Bit Her Lip Too Often Trying To Draw Blood To Force The Twee Vamp-Boy To Change Her Whether He Wanted To Or Not was now a permanently 17-year-old vamp-gurl?

Did this mean that The Girl Who Bit Her Lip Too Often Trying To Draw Blood To Force The Twee (Adonis-Like) Vamp-Boy To Change Her Whether He Wanted To Or Not-Vamp-Gurl was a perma-virgin?

Guess no sex for her, like, ever, he thought. If their skin was all diamond hard and unbreakable and immobile and unchanging (etc., etc., etc.) then he didn’t see that hymen ever breaking enough to allow for normal sex.

Well, he amended to himself in a conversation erstwhile-heroes never actually have with themselves in ‘romantic’ stories, not unless her hymen was already broken while she rode a bike as a kid. Or maybe she broke it already during a sky-diving incident that no one knows about. Or maybe while experimenting with varying lengths of moving sexual playthings (he couldn’t bring himself to think “sex toys”, much less “vibrating dildos”, but he did have another quality giggle). If that’s the case, then she’d be A-OK to have physical relations with the 114 year old human man.

The thought of the 17-year-old vampire being with the 114-year-old human man then made him feel ill somewhere near where he thought his stomach used to be.

And how was that 114-year-old human man supposed to pop and/or poop out the requisite Reneshittynamebaby?

Was it going to be a penis birth?

An MPREG butt-baby?

If the author of his favorite Saga and now unfavorite fanfic of her own Saga had been reading shitty fanfics, anything was – sadly and unrealistically -possible.

He didn’t know.

MamaEsme might, but she never read YA books, much less fanfics of YA books written by the YA book’s writer.

Smart woman.

Maybe she would bake him some cookies he couldn’t eat.

Emowad called his MamaEsme. Just because he was holed up in London didn’t mean he couldn’t smell her fresh-baked cookies in Spoons, NotWashington.

Demmett might know about those kinds of…things. He and Bitchalie got up to the strangest shenanigans sometimes.

Well, all the times.

He might fling this book at them once he walked up on the shores of Jersey tomorrow sometime between 8:04:22:02 and 8:04:22:07 – he never knew how those underwater currents would go so it was wise to allow for a few milliseconds difference.

Salt water was hell on cashmere (crafted of only the finest cash and mere, you understand) scarves, though, so he might as well go ahead and toss it in the trash now.

Though.

The book, however, he sealed in a heavily zip-locked zip-lock baggie with the heavy zip-lock at the top.

However.

(*Unnecessary A/N inserted in the middle of the “chapter”: Word didn’t yell at me for using “Though” as a single-word sentence yet it did yell at me for using “However” as a single-word sentence. Word is weird.*)

That’s unlife for you, Emowad grumbled and groused and complained to himself about whatever it was he had been whining to himself about. With a heavy, heaving, and faintly unhealthy-sounding sigh, he took his zip-locked book and his twee unscarved body and prepared to enter the sea.

Just as he was about to introduce his Italian leather super-spendy handmade and polished by out of work unicorns and bread elves (not veggie elves, they’re never out of work, but sometimes the sardine elves are only everything they touch seems to smell like, well, bubblegum) loafers to the sea water, he heard something.

*Cue unnecessarily and abruptly abrupt ending of too-short “chapter” that was too short because the writer got bored, tired, her/his phone rang/dog barked/own batch of cookies were finished baking, or she/he wandered off to make a cup of coffee and forgot to return.

*Sources that I forgot to document state that Emowad was born/hatched/fell from the sky on June 20,1901, hence the 114 years old part.

And stuff.  Bring coffee.

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19 thoughts on “TwiFuckery, Ch. 5

  1. Pingback: TwiFuckery – The FanFic of Itself Chapter | Addicted to Godric…& Eric…& Andre

  2. Pingback: Updates 10-11-15 | Fanfiction Minions

  3. Jackie69: *bows* Why thank you! Lol, I use TwiFuckery (and other pure crack-fics) just for stress relief and when I heard she had released what was basically a fanfic of her own saga, yeah, I snickered, snorted, then coughed up that fur-ball…

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  4. I saw a lady looking at the new book off the shelf with a puzzled look on her face. I stopped to talk and look myself. She said she really enjoyed her writing, but couldn’t figure out what this new book was about. I was looking over the description and jacket blurbs and told her it basically is a fan fiction by the original author of her own work. From her look and subsequent comments I don’t think she’s familiar with the concept. Apparently the author is now but doesn’t do it as well as you can

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  5. The original author should have stopped writing while she was ahead millions and left the real fan fiction to the pros like yourself. She could have afternoon tea with the other ladylike writer, CH, who is also afraid of healthy, passionate sex. They could sigh over their whiny little boys together while they regret adding man-whores to their novels for the heroines and writers to dream over.

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  6. This definitely made me think about what SM wrote. Before that, I didn’t really care. Well, I still don’t care enough to read it but your crack fic did bring up some very valid points. I loved it and I’m secretly hoping for something else to inspire you to write more. 🙂

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  7. motomary: *blush* Aww, thank you! In a way I wish I knew why SM decided to basically write a fanfic of her own work, and in a way I’d give her kudos if she were definitely doing it as a self-laughing lark – just for the fun of it, but…well…yeah. Gave me a wee bit of material so more power to her and her bank account? Glad you liked the mini-chap. 😀

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  8. gaijinvamp: *pfft* SM would take one look at Eric and run squeee’ing all the way home followed by CH and Her Nose (appearing off-Vegas on the 18th through the 22nd, all tickets permanently available since no one would buy that shit)…

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  9. gyllene: Lol, just let me keep up with current topics and trends both in and out of the fic-world…sadly, it’s rife with things to crack up about. Poor, poor SM…what was she thinkin’… Well, I know what *I* was thinkin’! 😀

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  10. She wrote a FF of her own work? What the fuck? She must be some kind of epic narcissist if she is her own fan!! And if she’s charging for it, doesn’t that just make it some kind of crappy sequel (whatever you call a sequel to a trilogy). That’s just too weird. I’m all for post-modernism and multiple subjective versions of the same reality, but really??? (If I was a boring sad person with no need for money I’d go into academia and do some kind of thesis on FF and post-modernism / death of the author but then I look in the mirror and slap myself to stop thinking those thoughts I thunked. Besides someone probably already wrote it).
    Maybe she’s trying to be cool – lots of kids I teach are into FF – well the ones who can read anyway. I think it explains some of the especially bad writing out there.
    As for the perma-virgin sparkly diamond hard hymen – that’s gonna seriously hurt whoever decides to try inserting their love pole in there (especially if said love pole is 114 years old).

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  11. ladytarara: That’s what I’ve heard, but I freely admit that I haven’t investigated it, either. She, the one who shat 50, and anything by CH from about book 8.5-9 onward, do not exist in my happy little world. And srsly, who’n hell’d wanna be pokin’ Popsicles into their love grottos?? *exits stage left on that fine note*

    *peeps back around curtain* I’m considering re-writing STC so as to allow Sookie to HEA with Godric, so in a way that will be a “re-write” from a certain chapter onward and will be taking the story in a completely different direction…not sure if that counts…

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  12. Fan-fiction of your own fan-fiction? That’s so post-modern. Not quite the same category as a FF of your own novel cos you don’t get paid… I think she’s trying to appeal to those sad little 14 year old girls I like to torture – um, teach – the kids who like writing tend to be quite into FF.

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  13. She’s got her own secret stairway down to the vault so she can roll in her money and laugh evilly at all the stupid teenagers who don’t realise she ripped off Sweet Valley High cos they all live in the last 5 minutes.

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Ahh, you found me. Meridian and I don't know why they stuck me all the way down here, but do you see that "Comment" box below me? Yeah, that one... Use it!

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