Slippy Slappy Sammy Seal Sex
**A/N: TOTAL CRACK FIC ONE (now two)-SHOT!! I’m sorry, but I just had to…**
Sookie rolled her eyes in annoyance as Sam came sidling up in what he obviously thought was a seductive manner. At least he had showered off the slop and grease – it had taken her a full month to get him to even do that before trying to jump her kitty.
It must be Thursday, she mentally grumbled. After glancing at the clock on the microwave and glaring at the calendar hanging on the fridge, she mentally rolled her eyes again. Yup, right on freakin’ time. It was 3:08 am and they had been home from Merlotte’s just long enough to shower…and it was, indeed, Thursday.
Time to go let Sam get his jerky, start-and-stop-to-find-the-hole-again sexing on, she guessed. At least he only wanted to pound the monkey once a week now-a-days. That beat twice a week by far, but not by nearly far enough.
Oh, maybe she should scream out Eric’s name…again. That thought perked her up. After the last time she did it – purely accidentally, of course – Sam had pouted for a month, and she had loved every non-sexual second of it.
But when he figured out that she was not going to either apologize or initiate sexual relations, after the proper amount of begging on his part (literally, he started turning into a basset hound and working those puppy eyes), she’d let him slink back into her bed…only to have him start annoying the fuck out of her a few days later.
He started begging her to let him poke the chicken while he was…shifted.
Apparently while he was shifted during the last full moon he’d found a friendly-minded local were-ewe and…liked it.
The first time he asked her about it, she’d thought he was joking around until he became hilariously offended when she’d laughed at him.
Then, every couple of days thereafter, he would try to bring it up again with an innocent act that never worked. It wasn’t like she couldn’t read his mind, something she tried not to do and he seemed to forget for the most part. His favorite perverted fantasy started out with him shifting into a facsimile of a true werewolf during… That had made her throw up.
During the next Thursday night’s “festivities” he had borrowed some courage from someone and decided to ask again. That time she slapped him so hard his cheek stayed red until the next afternoon, and had then taken an extra long shower.
Why couldn’t he just be happy that she had agreed to lie still while he did his usual three or four minute horizontal dance then call it done? Those times weren’t all that bad, not since she had some amazing memories of Eric to get lost in (hence the inadvertent name call…) while Sam poked and barked or moaned or whatever it was he did while he was on top of her.
But, she figured this was what she deserved after saving his life instead of helping Eric out of his marital incarceration, so she hadn’t said much.
It was odd, though, how Sam had gone from friend-zone to a barely-welcomed vaginal-visitor in 2.5 seconds, though. She had no idea how she’d let all that happen, she really didn’t, but as many times as she had let Bill Fucking Compton back into her bed, it wasn’t like she had a leg to stand on.
And here he was wanting his weekly “sexy times”…well, at least he was nothing but a two-buck-chuck. Two bucks and BAM, he chucked his load and went to Snore-landia. She snickered at that thought. Thankfully the shower afterward took longer than he did.
But she went along with it to keep everything on an even keel. She knew she shouldn’t try to expand her horizons or take any risks, that she was with “her people” and that’s where she should stay. Well, that was according to certain popular supernatural fiction, anyway. Don’t become involved with anyone who might be different from you; don’t dream of better things; don’t try for something different or better. Instead, you are apparently supposed to settle for whatever and whoever happened to be handy and known, and make do with that.
So, she finished closing the house down for the night and went off to the bedroom where Sam was already stripped down and trying to locate his wee-wee lost somewhere in that bush of orangish-red hair springing forth from his groin.
Sookie stopped short, then went back to the bathroom. A good lube would be required for this evening – she was just not in the mood for Sam or his moderately-sized penis.
But, according to certain religious doctrines and writers of certain genres, what she wanted didn’t really matter – the all-important man was all-important. So she squirted the cold, fart-sounding gloppy snot-looking gel up in her twat and went back to the bedroom.
Sam gave up playing with his relaxed member and slid into bed while Sookie placed a towel where her ass would be, tugged up her nightgown, and got into bed, too. Before she turned off the bedside lamp, she noticed his face looked far too innocent, and listened to his thoughts.
As he got into position, she heard him mentally reciting the national anthem, and wondered why he couldn’t at least choose something more interesting.
After a couple of “oh, babys” and “oh, you feel so smooths” and “oh, yeah, daddy likes thats”, she theorized that he’d shoved “Big Sam” in somewhere because she felt the thrusting begin. One, two fluctuations of his body (the only way she could usually even tell what he was doing)…two more…
Then he lifted her ass up “so he could go deeper”… His voice sounded oddly strained…another thrust… What was that slapping noise? Then she felt something….actually FELT something moving in that place where she was SUPPOSED to feel something… Had Sam gained weight? Something felt smooth, almost slippery…
She clicked on the nightlight and SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER.
Sam had shifted into a were-seal.
Who knew were-seals had big cocks?
Sookie did now.
After shooting Sam the Seal with her microwave fingers, throwing up four times and then bathing for three hours, she sat down at the kitchen table.
Mother-fucking slippy slappy seal sex.
Fuck this shit, she exclaimed to her coffee cup. Five months without Eric was six too long. She decided that she didn’t even care if he wanted her back…she was going to free his vampire ass whether he liked it or not.
**A/N: It, well, it just had to be done…**