SSSSS: A CRACK-FIC

Slippy Slappy Sammy Seal Sex

https://youwantbloodawards.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/slippy-happy-seal-sex-meridian-hit-me-with-your-best-shot-2nd-place.jpg?w=599&h=888

**A/N: TOTAL CRACK FIC ONE (now two)-SHOT!! I’m sorry, but I just had to…**

Sookie rolled her eyes in annoyance as Sam came sidling up in what he obviously thought was a seductive manner.  At least he had showered off the slop and grease – it had taken her a full month to get him to even do that before trying to jump her kitty.

It must be Thursday, she mentally grumbled. After glancing at the clock on the microwave and glaring at the calendar hanging on the fridge, she mentally rolled her eyes again. Yup, right on freakin’ time. It was 3:08 am and they had been home from Merlotte’s just long enough to shower…and it was, indeed, Thursday.

Time to go let Sam get his jerky, start-and-stop-to-find-the-hole-again sexing on, she guessed. At least he only wanted to pound the monkey once a week now-a-days. That beat twice a week by far, but not by nearly far enough.

Oh, maybe she should scream out Eric’s name…again. That thought perked her up. After the last time she did it – purely accidentally, of course – Sam had pouted for a month, and she had loved every non-sexual second of it.

But when he figured out that she was not going to either apologize or initiate sexual relations, after the proper amount of begging on his part (literally, he started turning into a basset hound and working those puppy eyes), she’d let him slink back into her bed…only to have him start annoying the fuck out of her a few days later.

He started begging her to let him poke the chicken while he was…shifted.

Apparently while he was shifted during the last full moon he’d found a friendly-minded local were-ewe and…liked it.

The first time he asked her about it, she’d thought he was joking around until he became hilariously offended when she’d laughed at him.

Then, every couple of days thereafter, he would try to bring it up again with an innocent act that never worked. It wasn’t like she couldn’t read his mind, something she tried not to do and he seemed to forget for the most part. His favorite perverted fantasy started out with him shifting into a facsimile of a true werewolf during… That had made her throw up.

During the next Thursday night’s “festivities” he had borrowed some courage from someone and decided to ask again. That time she slapped him so hard his cheek stayed red until the next afternoon, and had then taken an extra long shower.

Why couldn’t he just be happy that she had agreed to lie still while he did his usual three or four minute horizontal dance then call it done? Those times weren’t all that bad, not since she had some amazing memories of Eric to get lost in (hence the inadvertent name call…) while Sam poked and barked or moaned or whatever it was he did while he was on top of her.

But, she figured this was what she deserved after saving his life instead of helping Eric out of his marital incarceration, so she hadn’t said much.

It was odd, though, how Sam had gone from friend-zone to a barely-welcomed vaginal-visitor in 2.5 seconds, though. She had no idea how she’d let all that happen, she really didn’t, but as many times as she had let Bill Fucking Compton back into her bed, it wasn’t like she had a leg to stand on.

And here he was wanting his weekly “sexy times”…well, at least he was nothing but a two-buck-chuck. Two bucks and BAM, he chucked his load and went to Snore-landia. She snickered at that thought. Thankfully the shower afterward took longer than he did.

But she went along with it to keep everything on an even keel. She knew she shouldn’t try to expand her horizons or take any risks, that she was with “her people” and that’s where she should stay. Well, that was according to certain popular supernatural fiction, anyway. Don’t become involved with anyone who might be different from you; don’t dream of better things; don’t try for something different or better. Instead, you are apparently supposed to settle for whatever and whoever happened to be handy and known, and make do with that.

So, she finished closing the house down for the night and went off to the bedroom where Sam was already stripped down and trying to locate his wee-wee lost somewhere in that bush of orangish-red hair springing forth from his groin.

Sookie stopped short, then went back to the bathroom. A good lube would be required for this evening – she was just not in the mood for Sam or his moderately-sized penis.

But, according to certain religious doctrines and writers of certain genres, what she wanted didn’t really matter – the all-important man was all-important. So she squirted the cold, fart-sounding gloppy snot-looking gel up in her twat and went back to the bedroom.

Sam gave up playing with his relaxed member and slid into bed while Sookie placed a towel where her ass would be, tugged up her nightgown, and got into bed, too. Before she turned off the bedside lamp, she noticed his face looked far too innocent, and listened to his thoughts.

As he got into position, she heard him mentally reciting the national anthem, and wondered why he couldn’t at least choose something more interesting.

After a couple of “oh, babys” and “oh, you feel so smooths” and “oh, yeah, daddy likes thats”, she theorized that he’d shoved “Big Sam” in somewhere because she felt the thrusting begin. One, two fluctuations of his body (the only way she could usually even tell what he was doing)…two more…

Then he lifted her ass up “so he could go deeper”… His voice sounded oddly strained…another thrust… What was that slapping noise? Then she felt something….actually FELT something moving in that place where she was SUPPOSED to feel something… Had Sam gained weight? Something felt smooth, almost slippery…

She clicked on the nightlight and SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER.

Sam had shifted into a were-seal.

Who knew were-seals had big cocks?

Sookie did now.

After shooting Sam the Seal with her microwave fingers, throwing up four times and then bathing for three hours, she sat down at the kitchen table.

Mother-fucking slippy slappy seal sex.

Fuck this shit, she exclaimed to her coffee cup. Five months without Eric was six too long. She decided that she didn’t even care if he wanted her back…she was going to free his vampire ass whether he liked it or not.

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**A/N:  It, well, it just had to be done…**

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Chapter 2’s lovely link:

aSLIPPYSLAPPYSEALSEX

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62 thoughts on “SSSSS: A CRACK-FIC

  1. Pingback: My first crack-fic…hope you enjoy! (Put down your drink first) | Addicted to Godric…& Eric…& Andre

  2. Haha, poor Sookie! How unfair to reap what she saw😉 Rheg say we learn the true value of things by comparison. Well, she has plenty to compare now, doesn’t she?
    Hilarious, and I loved it. Especially Sam pouting for a month after Sookie dropped Eric’s name in the absence of passion. Now that’s what I call mentioning his name in vain…

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  3. AlphaEN: 😀 Thank you – glad you liked it! That has been floating around in my head for a while now…plus I had to poke fun at how the books ended on the “don’t try for more/stick with what you know/limit yourself” notes, too. ;D

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  4. I think that sums up exactly how I felt about the last book even though I read nothing more than the spoilers, the message I got was to try to follow your dreams just settle for whats there, brilliant

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I just re read my comment I meant it encouraged you NOT to try that’s the bit that pissed me off the most also, after all the potential she uncovered for a better life she went back to being the same person she was before it all happened like the whole series was a waste

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  6. Omg! That was… ewww. Please tell me she needs to call Alcide in on for one of the many favors he owes, to dispose of a crispy seal carcus. Please?
    Ewwwwwww
    LMAO

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  7. gwynwyvar: Lol, nope, but his help will be required for rebuilding the side of the house she and her magic fairy fingers blew Sam through! And you’re right – he DOES owe her a few dozen favors….

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  8. I should have realised that the seal was part of the story from the picture. Still giggling. Some great one liners there!! 🙂

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  9. jules3677: 😀 Thank you! I remember something about Sam and Stoopie having some sort of seal-esque sex in, yeah, you know…so yeah, I *had* to go there… 😀

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  10. magsmacdonald: 😀 Thank you!! And, yeah, exactly: a huge “EWE”…like the were-ewe he found during the full moon…

    *ok, ok, leaving now…*

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  11. Rissa starts dragging me back to the computer. “NO NO NO…there is not enough brain bleach” I holler at her. “You promised to review if she wrote it.” Rissa argued back. “Now sit and write!” Glances at the iPad sitting on the desk. “I can’t do it in here…it will forever kill my creativity…all I will see is sand and seals and oh god even when I close my eyes it’s still there!!!” I run out of the room. Rissa sighs grabs the iPad and follows me into the living room where she finds me wheeling in a wheelbarrel labeled the barrel of destruction full of stuff next to the sofa. “Is that a bowling ball and a fire extinsher in that . . . never mind I don’t want to know just review and I even will scroll up past the picture for you okay?” Rissa offers and I nod as i sit down with my notebook and pen. “Have fun.” Rissa offers as she then darts out of the room. “Traitor.” I mumble. “Okay Robin this is Karen it will be good or you can sic Godric and Andre on her to recover.” Starting to read Slippy Slappy Seal Sex….(Crack-fic) *oh gosh* Sam and seductive should not be in the same sentence EVER. *grabs a towel from the barrel of destruction to cover my eyes* At least he showered what I think is I just got sicker *how can you do this to me* *AHHHHH the first time i read that sentence I thought month was mouth and I traumatized myself I gotta calm down* I must save Thursdays! *digs in barrel for help pulls out a Thor doll. Okay help me Thor save Thorsday* When I wake up screaming on Thursday with a nightmare at 3:08 am you will pay Karen! Oh how about once upon NEVER!!!!! *digs in barrel and pulls out a rubber chicken and smacks Sookie* What the hell Sookie are you stupid oh wait YES you are…begging like a dog or as a dog just wondering? oh you answered my question in the next sentence thank you *great minds* Gasp You didn’t oh *screams and tosses the chicken away and digs again and brings out a baseball bat* A were-ewe EWWWWE is right. *Rissa!!! THE Throwup BUCKET!! I NEED IT!* How can you even drag Eric memories into this mess. Even those are too good. His Marital slavery incarceration you mean. I will never be able to refer to “sexy times” again. *ahhhh My eyes, Karen I can’t, do I have to* I know you wrote it and I promised didn’t I.* Lube up oh I am not going to make it thru this. *Help me please…digs in the barrel again pulls out a baseball “snake” bat* *SCREEAMMMSSSS!!!!!!! and losses her grip on the iPad and starts smashing everything around seeing images of seals behind my eyes* THATS IT….*digging into the barrel again and pulling out a 2.36 Inch Rocket Launcher M1 Also Known as a BAZOOKA!!! Taking aim at iPad and blowing up the iPad the sofa and the coffee table. *glares at the smoking mess and yells “Rissa!!! You tell that Karen she owes me a new iPad and sofa! And where is the brain bleach that story can’t be unseen!” Walks off to the bathroom to shower cause I just feel gross.

    Enjoy!
    ~Robin

    P.S. Godric I know why you look so sad in that picture….come on you can live with me now…till Karen gets her head straight and helps make it better!!!

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  12. But Robin!!! But…but…but you ran in terror before you got to the GOOD part! LMAO!!!!!

    Oh, but…yeah…Hey, isn’t it time for you to sic Godric and Andre on me? I’ll run, I promise…well, I’ll walk fast…or slow…yeah…that’s it…niiiice and…oh, wait, are we still live? Oops…

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  13. I cannot imagine. That’s what she gets for using the CD on Sam and not Eric. Are you going to write more? Is Sookie going to go save Eric?

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  14. bbrock525: She did deserve it! The way THE TWIT changed mid-series and started writing STOOPIE even STUPIDER than usual? Ugh. Don’t dare try to compromise or work together or even TALK, ugh!!! *resumes banging head on desk*

    Like

  15. gyllene: See??? If STOOPIE had just used the CD with/for Eric, then not only would everything have been ok, but that particular situation causing Sam’d death wouldn’t have ever even come up! UGH!!!

    Well, it’s just a one-shot, but I imagine that she’s going to rally the forces, rattle some chains, grow a pair, and go rescue his ass! 😀

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  16. I don’t know how she could have sex with Sam. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth just thinking about it and to know that she stayed with him (in the books). Shudder.🙂

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  17. I completely agree with you. Have you read any of her other series. She cannot make a good ending. The last 3 books did it for me. I won’t read anything else she writes. Its a pity too.

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  18. gyllene: I think THE TWIT decided one day that she hated Stoopie and stuck her w/ red bushy groined Sam…but then, I think she must have decided to hate EVERYONE b/c she sold Eric into marital slavery, too…ugh…

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  19. bbrock525: I adored the first 8 books, and I always will, but after wasting my $$$ on the next 2 (maaaaybe 3, I don’t really remember…it was that traumatic) I resolved to not only NOT buy the last 2, 3 books, but to never ever ever ever ever give THAT TWIT another cent of my money. Ever. Ugh!!!

    Like

  20. I didn’t buy the last 2 books. Books 9 & 10 were it for me. The codex was a crock. Someone posted it online. I feel the same way. Will not waste money and/or time on her books. However on a good note. I love Black Dagger Brotherhood. Love it!

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  21. bbrock525: I had the opportunity to read her last “real” book and the Codex, but passed. Didn’t want to waste the brain space.
    But yeah, the BDB are so incredibly awesome!!! SOOO good!!!

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  22. I will reply here from my wordpress app on my phone *since I am down an ipad* but nothing. You are a wonderful writer which just makes it worse cause its good we want to read! Godric and Andre said they are not coming back till the coodies and germs that have now infected your site I am a professional so I know!

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  23. I laughed so hard about him turning into a seal that I couldn’t breathe and freaked my dog out. I loved it. She got what she deserved.

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  24. Yuk. Gag. You know, I still keep missing that part when I look over the last book which still gets a “Yuk” as well as gagging motions from me. I think it’s subconscious & that’s probably a good thing. She should have zapped him & then teleported his ass to the nearest zoo! 🙂

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  25. msbuffy: LMAO!!! No, I don’t think Sam ever actually sifted during sex w/ her, but there was an allusion to them fucking like some sort of sea creatures…I try not to think too hard about it…which is one of the (several) reasons I used the manatee pic but wrote of seals…another allusion to how confusing that last 2, 3, hell 4 books became, lol!

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  26. I really hoped I’d missed that part, so thank you! I can’t imagine the chubby little church lady writing about bestiality…but then ya never know.

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  27. msbuffy: LMAO! At this point I wouldn’t trust her with anything! LOL!!! *imagines a totally different rendition of that song about the Squirrel from Pascagoula*

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  28. OMG! I just discovered this and seriously spat my drink out at the seal shift part. It must be the little bit of bitch in me (that I like to keep hidden) that enjoyed all the Sam berating. Love it!

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  29. LOL! Ewwww. Loved those jabs at “she who shall not be named” with Sookie remaining with “her” people etc. And besides the yuckity seal sex, Sam done cheated on her already with the “were-ewe” (I just threw up in my mouth a little). This was a fun story; thanks for making it clear that Sookie didn’t want this, only SWSNBN.

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  30. georgiasuzy: In one way I hate that it was so gross, but (snicker) how ELSE could I have written Slimy Sammy?? (double snicker) I will *NEVER* understand why SWSNBN thought…well, pretty much ANYTHING she put out there at the end, honestly… Glad you liked it! 😀

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  31. still mopping up with handy wipes over here, and all I spit out was beer (the two-buck-chuck is on ice–thank God!)

    Poor Sookie–sending handy wipes to her now. FedEx. Going to chapter 2.

    Like

  32. californiakat: *tosses you a Swiffer mop* Poor Sookie – just….ewe…

    *grabs basket of cleaning supplies and follows you over to Ch. 2*

    Like

  33. Pingback: Review for Fly me to the Moon & Other stories by Meridian | The Non-Canon Awards

  34. Oh, I totally think you should have her call herself “Stoopie” in the next chapter, because she did this to herself. Reading the comments above cracked me up! I know you’ve already written it though, so I need to go to it to see if you did.

    Onto the next!

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  35. Pingback: Updates 2-8-15 | SVM & TB Stories

  36. Oh my -mercy sex would indeed be necessary with Sam. For some reason the line about the lube made me laugh. WTF was CH thinking when she forced Sookie and Sam together? I guess at least the were-seal had a bigger cock- that’s got to be some kind of consolation. Nothing like weekly ‘sexy times’ with unsexy Sam to get Sookie motivated to kick Freyda’s ass!

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  37. ladytarara: Hell yeah! And srsly, WTF was The Twit thinking w/ foisting Sam off on Sookie? If she didn’t LIKE Sookie then why did she choose to WRITE her?? Ew. Just…ew. But yeah, SSSSS was my “reaction” to the book bullshit.

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  38. Yeah I don’t get it either. Was she trying to send some kind of retarded message about settling for long term friendship just so you can have kids? That was another thing that made me pissed about those books – every female character got knocked up by an idiot. I mean Tara had freakin’ twins with a moron. And Amelia had a baby with the cat guy. Even Jason had kids with what’s her name.Yet somehow Sookie was envious instead of thinking thank fuck that’s not me she runs off and marries Sam the douche so she can have kids. It’s all kinda fucked up -settle for anyone girls so you can get knocked up cos that’s all girls are good for anyway…
    I do actually have kids – a 4 y.o and a baby whose 9 months…. But I sure as hell didn’t settle for a friend so I could have them!
    Sorry I seem to have slipped into a rant…

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  39. ladytarara: I dunno…the whole thing took a sudden misogynistic turn from hell. Sam, who Sookie had never actually been truly interested in in any real way suddenly became the love of her life/baby-daddy?? Ugh. And srsly, what’s with suddenly requiring everyone in the county to become a baby-making factory?? TB wasn’t any better. Apparently in this universe a woman’s only value rests in the contents of her uterus. Give up the fight, ladies – you’re only as good as who you’re fucking and/or procreating with! Git them shoes off and git back’n tha kitchen!

    *pfft* Rant away – I sure as hell do.

    Liked by 1 person

Ahh, you found me. Meridian and I don't know why they stuck me all the way down here, but do you see that "Comment" box below me? Yeah, that one... Use it!

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