PAM’S GIFT TO ERIC: A CRACK-FIC

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Pam came strolling into Fangtasia late that night carrying several bags. For once she wasn’t dressed in her usual classy-Goth costume, instead wearing her vastly preferred pink sweater set and her white loafers (it wasn’t after Labor Day, yet).

Eric was lounging in his office ignoring all the Area paperwork spread on the desk before him, choosing to stare instead at a shoddy picture lifted from the now-upgraded video surveillance system. Sookie was standing in the doorway in all her blurry glory wearing that delectable white dress with the video-mutated red splotches on it. Any ‘companion’ she might have arrived with had been immediately cut out of said picture.

He looked up and automatically changed the tab on his laptop when Pam summarily came bursting into his office, and was surprised when she thought to close the door behind herself. His perma-Child was not known for being so thoughtful.

“Eric,” she started, her tone implying vast weariness, affection, and a certain irritation with her Maker, “I have figured out what is wrong with you.”

He cringed. He’d thought his obsession with a certain pretty blonde telepath had gone unnoticed…

“When you sit on that old wooden throne, your balls get cold. So, since you have to present yourself to the vermin – why else would they pay the high cover-charge and the ridiculous price for those watered-down drinks if not to see you – at last I have rectified the problem!  Now you have no reason to man-sulk!”

With an excited flourish belied by her usual blasé expression, Pam plopped one of her shopping bags down on his desk. When he didn’t immediately dive into the bag, instead choosing to lean back in his desk chair and watch the proceedings unfold with all appropriate stoicism, she huffed and approached to do the deed herself.  How hard must she work to give someone a gift!

After upending the bag and emptying it of its contents, the blonde vampire gave her Maker an expectant glance, but was disappointed by the clearly confused look on his handsome face.

apeterheater

“Dick and ball warmers, Eric! It’s a heater for your peter!  A warmer for your performer! It’s knitted and is meant to be worn under your other clothes. I bought you two in every color! I figured the pink would be for Tuesdays, and the green would be great for your Wednesday nights, and the purple…”

Pam’s voice droned on and on while Eric sat there in stunned silence.

His Child expected him to wear knitted dick and ball warmers…under his leather pants?

WTF?

How the hell am I supposed to get the damn thing on? It’s so…little!

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**A/N:  I absolutely and totally blame this snippet on my friends Cuinawen, Harley, M4T, Bertie Bott, and Charity…  Hope you liked!**

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47 thoughts on “PAM’S GIFT TO ERIC: A CRACK-FIC

  1. Oh god… absolutely dying with laughter… “A warmer for your performer” has to be one of my favourite ever Pam lines!

    I’m now wondering if Eric still man-sulks… and if he wears the specific colours for different days 😀

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  2. mommy4thomas2002: 😀 Glad you liked it! I can so imagine Eric taking one in his hand and rather gingerly examining it, wondering what poor soul it’s supposed to actually fit! 😀

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  3. Cuinawen: LOL – glad you liked it!!

    Heh, I can totally see Pam being all proud of herself for solving “the problem”, and Eric? Yeah, he still man-sulks but now there’s also a glare that he aims in Pam’s directions… And the warmers for his performer? Yeah, he gave them to his dayman, said they were compliments of Pam… 😀

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  4. Pingback: Need a short, li’ (LI’L) laugh? Then proceed… | Addicted to Godric…& Eric…& Andre

  5. shoegirl01: LMAO – you’re so right!! *magically creates Viking Vampire Butt, Ball, and Boinker Salve* Whew…that was close! 😀

    And *elegant courtesy* Thank you! 😀 Just be glad I don’t write horror…oh, wait…

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  6. My thoughts exactly! It’s so little. How is supposed to get his gracious plenty in that tiny peter heater. Thanks for the laugh! You know you always bring a smile to my face. 😀

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  7. You know for some reason I can only imagine Eric taking that woollen monstrosity to cover his thumb with (let’s be honest that’s where it’s sized at) and with a shrug agree this will finally break that embarrassing habit of him sucking that thumb… Only took the geniuses a millennium to figure it out… Thanks for the laugh!

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  8. hisviks: I can absolutely see him sitting there behind his desk after Pam swooshes out… He’d take one of those out of the packaging and be looking at it from different sides, stretching it, laughing his fine behin’ off, then I could totally see him sticking the cock part over his thumb… laughing harder, then closing his fist and trying to pull the rest of it over his hand…then suddenly opening his fist and the damn thing go flying out his still-open-from-Pam door and landing in the hallway.

    Lol, glad you liked it!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. hisviks: I love the idea of someone else writing a Part 2 to mine – so far I ***think*** I may have Gyllene talked into it – I hope – and you could do your own Part 2 off this, as well!! I’d love it!

    TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I just woke up to penis warmers this slightly chilly morning… give a girl a moment to digest… I’ll think about it… *yawns rather loudly*… my warm bed doesn’t like me thinking…. maybe later… *mumbles something incoherent about sucking thumbs*…

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  11. murgatroid98: I’m pretty sure that, erm, knitted device would fit his thumb quite well. Any other unmentioned body part? Proooooobably not! 😀

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  12. Pingback: Double trouble fixin’s… | Fang meets Fairy and other encounters

  13. Bertie Bott: Lol, glad you liked them! And you know how I do love letting The Muse Whisperer instigate… I’d love it if you found the time to write your own Willy Warmer micro-fic! 😀

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  14. Pingback: New Year, New Beginnings | SVM & TB Stories

  15. Eric stared at the offensive gift his child had given him, experimentally stretching it over his thumb. Perhaps he could find a use for it after all.

    Ginger conveniently entered his office – it wouldn’t do to let Pam know he was regifting her present – even if it was for use in the dungeon. He threw the Viking Vampire butt, ball and boinker salve that had magically appeared on his desk into the bottom of his drawer. He didn’t want it falling into the wrong hands. Maximum chafing was required.

    But was it small enough? There was only one way to find out.

    “Send Compton in.”

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