Yes, another crack fic.
Ok, I blame my friend Charity for this one. She, in her infinite wisdom/lack of being forewarned not to, regaled me via PMs early this evening with some fic-world sex troupe words/phrases from a couple of fics she had been trying to read, and the poor thing had no idea what laughable sex terms do to my wee brain.
Yeah. Now she knows.
Then the ideas started blossoming like a fungus in a secret garden and blooming like evil, horrid little flowers… I’d blame my allergy meds, but we all know that’s a lie.
About reading this fic:
- It has not been, nor will it be, edited, beta’d, revamped, unvamped, deposited, serrated, or whatevs. It is as it is – a crack-fic.
- There may be more. Or not. I dunno. It is what it is.
- No. There is no sea life involved. Really.
- There are warnings, and here they are (yes, there are warnings):
- If you are offended easily, don’t read this fic.
- If you lost your sense of humor somewhere back in 3rd grade, don’t read this fic.
- If you think Emowad Edward is super sexy, lickable, hot, delicious, goes well with marshmallows, don’t read this fic.
- If you are allergic to laughing, and I know some people who apparently are, or if giggling breaks you out in hives, don’t read this fic.
- If you adore Twilight and take it seriously, don’t read this fic.
- If you adore TB/SVM and take it seriously, don’t read this fic.
- If you adore ANY fandom and take it seriously, don’t read this fic. (Fuck if I know where all it’ll go…)
- If you think (sex, specifically, but also in general) trope is awesome and you don’t laugh your gorgeous ass off at over-used, badly used, and shouldn’t-be-used descriptors and/or actions, don’t read this fic.
- If you think canon is awesome, don’t read this fic.
- If you can’t take a joke, DON’T READ THIS FIC.
ALL that being said, I hope you like this. It’s meant as a bit of fun, but I have been told that it may cause you to laugh until your head *hurts.
(*Note: I have no idea what fics she had been trying to read, and by Golly I did NOT ask, either, so don’t ask me specifically where they came from – I don’t know. I do, however, know that I’ve read these and many, many, many other tired old phrases/terms/troupes in enough fics – usually the older ones – to know that they are, indeed…CRACK-FIC WORTHY!)
*No friends were harmed in the creation and/or reading of this crack fic.