TwiFuckery, Ch. 3

EDITED BY POPULAR DEMAND TO WARN:  NSFW – DO NOT EAT/DRINK WHILE READING DUE TO UNCONTROLLABLE FITS OF LAUGHING THAT YOUR CO-WORKERS WILL NOT UNDERSTAND (although you’re more than welcome to share this with them – they might give you better things at office parties as a ‘thank you’)!!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

**A/N: Remember, this is nothing more than a crack/parody-fic written solely to keep me sane in the often bizarre, over-sexed, under-plotted, getting-sleazier-by-the-minute laughably unrealistic sometimes abusive world of fucked-up fanfic’ery. This series of linked chapters has no actual plot (imagined or otherwise, sadly), and is not intended to poke fun at any one particular fic – more like MANY fics.  I think.   Actually, I don’t know. Sure, it’s my fingers typing this crap out (and yes, I totally admit it’s a load of crap),  but I’m not sure exactly where my brain is since it’s probably still trying to unsee – unread? – about half the fics I’ve heard about in abundant detail recently from other readers – really, we have some awesome laughy/ranty PMs over on FB about hilariously unrealistic plots, laughably silly sex/sleaze shit – yes, I adore alliteration – and all the ways some plots like to rape/torture/abuse Sookie like it ain’t no thang.  Plus there’s  EMOWAD SULLEN – he’s always good for a laugh. I have some fanastic reader-friends… At any rate, in this chapter (“chapter”) we get to encounter The Ancient Pissyness, so there’s that…**

•~•0•~•

Through with her tele-meetin’ in the lady’s (ladies’?) room, Snookie exited – fukkit, I’ll go with: the facilities just in time to see Feric stomping, strutting, vamping, or just plain walking, through the dirty/greasy/run-down bar’s front doors. Upon spotting Snookie standing, lolling, posing for him near the bar (since she had kept walking on autopilot doing her gaping-while-gasping thing at him as he stomped/strutted/vamped/walked through the doors), he immediately changed his direction and several women in the bar fainted at the squealing-tire noise made by his flip flops/combat boots/penny loafers as he turned on a virtual dime.

Oh, wait – that WAS a dime…oops, now it’s embedded in the floor..sorry…please continue.

Snookie and her Boobs (it’s a new band, y’all) loped over to him to give him a huge hug, then naturally she slapped him for hugging her in public.

Because SNOOKIE.

Emowad stared the whole time, mesmerized by the preternatural (it’s a big word he likes to flip out and swing around in lower-class establishments where the locals wouldn’t know what it meant, either) swaying and bouncing and jumping jacks her boobs were doing and WHOTHEFUCKISTHATHOTASS’DSTUD?? HEAVENLY LOG-JAM IN THE PANTS, BATMAN! WOAH – BIG BLOND VIKING ALERT AT 4:48 (pinpointing the direction of the position of the “big hand” on a clock to show direction, not time)!!!

Emowad may have drooled. The combination of The Big Boobs and The Big Blond Dude may have overloaded his circuitry, but we don’t actually care. Anything would be an improvement on Mr. Emo Sullen.

Once she lightly slapped him for returning her hug in public (HOW DARE HE!), he halted abruptly.

She raised her chin up to him abruptly.

Because Feric is, depending on the fic, 6-3, 6′ 4″, 6″ 5′, 6six –  (translation: he’s really tall), she raised her chin up even further abruptly.

He jerked his arm into the air abruptly.

He grabbed the back of her head both dramatically and abruptly.

Her eyes widened abruptly.

He lowered his head abruptly.

She closed her eyes abruptly.

He demanded/commanded/ordered that she look at him abruptly.

She opened her eyes abruptly.

He lowered his head (again) abruptly.

He kissed her abruptly.

She got a good look at the enlarged pores on his face abruptly.

(Snookie resolved to never look at him during a sex act again. Enlarged pores are gross.)

Abruptly his phone rang, so he needed the kiss suddenly…I mean, abruptly.

“Yes?”

Snookie took the opportunity to back away from him and his enlarged pores, and leaned against the bar. She studiously avoided looking in the general direction of Emowad knowing he would be busy being bemused by her bobbing and  bobbling boobs.

“Yes Ma’am, just a moment,” she heard him say with more respect in his voice than she’d ever heard before…certainly more than he’d ever used with her at any rate. She might want to have a word with him about that…

Sudd…abruptly his phone entered her line of vision.

“It’s for you.”

“This is Snookie, may I ask who’s calling please?” Manners, y’all…

“Oh, hello Mary Sue, of course I’ll hold for…” (“Well, how rude – she put me on hold,” she said in an aside to Feric who was standing there looking very confused – virile, manly, sexy, gorgeous, breathtaking, attractive, dangerously attractive, seductively attractive, yet also…confused.  The Ancient Pissyness wanted to talk to his Snookie?)

“Good evening to you, too, Madam Ancient,” she suddenly said sudd…abruptly to Eric’s astonished astonishment. “I’m listening.”

Feric listened closely. The Ancient Pissyness was known for giving cryptic but highly important – yet incomplete and useless because CRYPTIC – clues, information, instructions, suggestions, orders, and hints. Somehow she never managed to pass along any winning lottery numbers, or information that would actually make anyone’s life better because she “”didn’t want to interfere with Fate””, well, not until she wanted to interfere with Fate, at which time she would sudd…abruptly interfere with, you know, Fate.

Cryptically.

Because CRYPTIC.

Like, she wouldn’t care less if children were getting raped or molested by old male family members or raped and almost drained by recently-freed-at-great-personal-risk sleazy-ass’d vampires, but she did care if some hotel somewhere happened to be in danger of being blown up.

Because FATE. CRYPTIC.

And lack of something called “priorities” that Feric was certain no one had ever explained to her.

He watched as Snookie’s eyes got bigger and bigger. Pretty soon she’d need another head to fit them.  He wondered if she’d let him keep her current head as a souvenir after the switch?

“Ok, so, no going to the bathroom at 11:27 on Monday or I’ll lose a huge tip – got it. Switch to Gain laundry detergent because my cat will start hating Tide? Ok, um, got it. Macy’s will have a sale starting next Friday?  Cool – got it!  Ohhhh…,” she said a loooooong minute later as she held the phone away from her face and glared fiercely at Feric.

“Feric Myron Northman, you are not plannin’ on cramming/ramming/inserting/jabbing your cum lobber all up in my shit-hole/anus/rectum/glory hole/stink hole/chocolate starfish/bung hole/booty hole/rosebud, are you? Cause shit-pokin’ and packin’ just don’t fly with me, you disgusting filthy pervert.”

Her irate glare spoke volumes. Feric just looked away with badly feigned innocence. Of course he was planning to fuck her in the ass – that stale sleazy old fan-fic stand-by was apparently now required by some badly-written law dreamed up by bored herd-followers.

And then he was sad.

But happy.

He really did hate trying to dig old shit out of his cock-head.

A minute later she again held the phone from her ear and graced him with a huge frown.

“You’re not really planning on licking my rear entry/brown-eye’d daisy/poop hole, are ya, buddy? Dude, bac-fucking-teria!  You never go ass-to-mouth!”

(Cause you know Feric would totally forget and go directly from ass to mouth without stopping to go brush his teeth and rinse his mouth with Listerine or some shit thereby transferring ass germs to Snookie’s other rosebud {the one on her face}…after naturally stopping by her honey pot to gather a mouth full of love snot to leave a slime trail up her body first because apparently vampires are addicted not only to twat juice but to forcing their victims/sex partners to “taste themselves,” whereupon said forced recipient – it’s not like they ever stop to ask Snookie/whoever if she actually WANTS to lick her vaginal emissions off the vamp/whoever’s fingers/cock/tongue first – is required to moan attractively over the taste of said twat juice for some unGodric-ly fucking reason.)

She gave him one last glare then returned her attention to the conversation.  Feric could hear the old oracle gagging.

After listening on the phone for twenty-eight more seconds, she once again held the phone from her ear, gave Feric a dead-eye stare, and just said, “No.”

Feric huffed and he puffed and he finally deflated. “Yes, dear.”

During all this, Emowad sat in his booth/at his table staring, craning his neck as he watched the strange conversation between The Boobs and The Blond. When she made it extremely plain that this Feric wouldn’t be allowed to defile her sweet dainty little poop chamber, her probably exquisitely tight yet flexible… ribbed… muscular…residual shit-coated…

Twenty minutes later Emowad exited the now quite smelly male spanky-monkey facilities feeling vastly relieved.

His hand, however, was tired.

Yes, sparklepires can get tired.

Depends on the writer, though.

Eventually someone flipped the “customer background noise” switch back over and immedi…abruptly everyone started talking and chattering and banging their silverware again.

Actually, it was only Maxine banging the hell out of the table with her spoon and fork because she was tired of waiting for her fries.

Fortunately for her colon, Feric and Snookie continued staring at each other while listening to The Ancient Pissyness as she kept yammering on in the telepath’s ear. Occasionally she would vaguely mention something vague about some vague prophesy or other vague event/non-event that she wouldn’t actually describe in any useful detail, or she would vaguely allude very vaguely to some vague “sacrifices” Snookie would be expected to make with her body/vagina/blood because CRYPTIC FATE…

FATE.

That shit’s CRYPTIC.

At one point, Snookie had enough. “Wait, what? I’m supposed to be…what the fuck? Raped? Stabbed? Drained? Beat up? And you want me to just hang around and let this shit happen to me? Are you fucking nuts? Hell no – find another victim to torture you crazy psychotic bitch! Fuck you – I’m outies!”

Feric couldn’t believe his ears. The Ancient Pissyness was the most revered, respected, semi-worshiped/ass-licked version of an Oracle of Delphi the vampire world had ever known, and his Snookie had just told The Pissy Old “won’t interfere with FATE at all until/unless she wanted to” Fate-Monger to go fuck herself!?!?@%&!!1

Go. Snookie.   !!!!!

“Really, go, Snookie, Maxine is about to have a coronary waiting on her damn fries,” chimed in Sam, her doggie/seal-boss.

Snookie shrugged, handed Feric back his phone, and she and her humongous swaying globular breasticles lugged Maxine’s latest order over to her table.

Out of the blue Catfish, whose last name sometimes changes in the books, exited the guy’s bathroom.

“Hey, who painted half the walls in the john with white sparkly paint? You should have put a sign up – shit’s still wet, and it smells pretty damn funky, too.”

No one noticed Emowad’s carefully crafted super-innocent face. (Gratuitous A/N awkwardly placed in the chapter for little to no reason: I have that same super-innocent face, yet somehow no one believes mine. Dammit.)

Finally, after sitting casually poised with perfectly chosen nonchalance in  his booth/at his table for three more hours and being studiously ignored by everyone but The Tall Blond Viking Over-Sexed Vampire who kept glaring, snarling, hissing and baring fangs at him, it eventually dawned on Emowad and his scarf that he wasn’t going to be getting any help with constructing mental walls to help block out thoughts…and with The Big Blond hanging around, he seriously wasn’t going to be losing his pussy or boob virginity tonight, either. Malice’s call telling him the exact same thing didn’t help, either.  MamaEsme had told him there’d be nights like this, either.

And so with dramatic flair wasted on the locals as he dramatically tossed his super-spendy scarf around his neck (and across the back of his neck to land with perfectly practiced haphazard precision on the other shoulder) dramatically, he rose to leave/stomp off in a pout that would do many a toddler proud.

**A/N: Remember, none of the crap I come up with here is from any one person or story. And bluntly, even if it were, I still wouldn’t ever say so.  It is not my intention to ever hurt any writer’s feelings as my purpose in life is to NOT bring ill-feelings or humiliation toward anyone specific. The purpose of this exercise in snarkery is purely for fun (mine, that I choose to share with y’all because I’m told it’s hilarious and sadly on-point) poked at the expense of trite, sad, stale, over-used, inane, misogynistic, abusive, ridiculous, dysfunctional, “but it’s just a fanfic so it doesn’t matter how many mental and physical rape/abuse/torture buses I toss a female character under” themes I’ve had the extremely dubious pleasure of reading (or clicking out of very quickly because UGH!) for the past couple of years.  You may also note per that exact reasoning that I no longer READ the offerings of most fanfic writers (and only partially because I’m still in a writing mode myself).  I get to choose what I allow into my brain, and I do not choose to allow overused notions of sleaze, smut, abuse, rape, torture, EMOWAD SULLEN, silly Dom/”Master”/slave bullshit (and so on and so forth to the point of puke’age) to set up camp in my already-snarkalicious brainbox.  “Pam” ain’t got nothin’ on me.

Now, all that being said, I also FULLY realize that not everyone on this mudball planet will get my anti-sleaze, anti-abuse, anti-unrealistic humor, and that not everyone who does understand it will then appreciate it.  And that is perfectly fine!  No one on this planet is required to read one single word I write.   And, on that note, have a great day imagining Emo bustin’ his sparkly-cum wad over the male facilities in Merlotte’s because FATE!  CRYPTIC!  (So, really, should I stop posting these publicly and only release them to certain friends, or do y’all want to read more of this crap?)**

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21 thoughts on “TwiFuckery, Ch. 3

  1. Pingback: More TwiFuckery Parody Crack-Fic anyone? Huh? | Addicted to Godric…& Eric…& Andre

  2. Brilliantly funny!!! And sadly accurate on what has become a common theme with some ff’s…no originality, them not you, this couldn’t be more original! Pretty please keep posting them my life would be less without them!

    Like

  3. OMG you should label these NSFW unless the reader wants to explain to coworkers the tears running down their faces are from trying not to laugh out loud!
    I love these! Thank you for posting them…

    Like

  4. You definitely need to keep posting these but mark them NSFW and maybe no drinking or eating while reading also because I couldn’t stop laughing and how do I explain why I’m busting up reading your hilarity? I love it and you are so, so spot on. Love ya lots like jelly tots!!!!

    Like

  5. Hilarious! So precise too! These are the very reasons I use a Thesaurus, dictionary, and other reference materials while editing, whether it be a smut fic, a story with plot, or both. I stand by everyone’s right to create whichever type of story they want, but at least encourage “my” writers who do so to vary things a bit, except for Eric’s height! For pity’s sake, be consistent! Drives me nuts!

    Like

  6. Oh I so needed this today — I was in a cryptic funk and saw no way out of it with out the help of Dove Magnum Ice Cream bars ( in single digit temps even) I will still do the ice cream but this was so great I laughed and I am still laughing especially about the ass to twat to mouth and tasting comments also the butt sex section — Oh hell I confess I loved it all I get you and your humor and your innocent face so keep it coming I will read it all 🙂 sniggers and giggles –the I love it The Ancient Pissyness

    Like

  7. msbuffy: Consistency…oy! It’s a dream, that’s for sure! And I’m so tempted to pass out dictionaries and thesauruses as necessary gifts… Glad you liked it – thank you!!

    Like

  8. suzyq591suzy: Awesome – very glad I could help make your day brighter!! 😀 You know I should have ended it with, “And later that night Feric was seen leaving the local mega-mart with toothbrush and Listerine in hand.”

    Hope your day continues to improve! (Yeah, getting that Arctic Blast here, too…NO FUN!)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I just LAUGHED MY FUCKING ASS OFF!!! Brilliant! The “chocolate starfish” – that is magnificent!! And OMFG do I not agree. On the LOTR writer’s board, a doctor/author once said every time she had to read about a “pearlescent droplet clinging to the end of a man’s penis / manhood / dick / throbbing member / impressive staff / etc / etc / etc / *barf*” she wanted to grab a giant syringe of Penicillin and go stab them in the eye. This is kinda the same thing . . . just lots better! 🙂

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  10. erullisse: 😀 Very glad you liked it! And I don’t blame the dr/writer ONE bit! I say for her to go for it! I’ve been suggesting for quite a while now that all those perma-moist Sookies need to go get checked out for strange vaginal molds and fungi from being, you know, perma-wet for Erics…

    Like

  11. Yeah… but then where would I be? They truly are necessary gifts though, and guess what? They come with Word! Another shocking fact, Windows 8.1 has a Desktop Assistant app that serves as a dictionary, thesaurus, and literary reference guide! It’s not Wikipedia, a bullshit site where people write in their own “facts.” Never use that site as a reference. You’ll destroy your credibility. Even smut fics have credibility, well, I try to throw some in there anyway! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: Updates 1-11-15 | SVM & TB Stories

  13. So funny – hyperventilating – may get brain damage from oxygen deprivation or over-use of brain-bleach! You have brilliantly (though abruptly and immediately and suddenly) created one of the best examples of redundant word use I’ve ever read. If I wouldn’t most likely get sacked, I’d humbly beg your permission to use extracts of this story as exemplars of bad writing and why editing is more than just fixing your spelling mistakes and slapping a few dozen commas in there (which I will cross out anyway cos I hate comma frenzy though the most abused punctuation mark is definitely the apostrophe). But I know my students – they would find the source document on the net and then I’d be fucked. But maybe it would be worth it to see their dreams of spaklepires suddenly and abruptly and immediately crumble in a most crumbly pile of crumbles.

    And at last the Ancient Pissyness is warning Snookie about some useful shit – literally! If I ever end up writing a FF I will definitely read this to remind myself what not to do! I mean, I realise people doing this are not paid, professional writers and I’m quite able to suspend my need for perfection and enjoy the story for what it is. I have however come across a few that I have found too degrading to read due to rape, bondage or master and slave stuff – but the bad writing I can take with some humour and indulgence and hopefully everyone else can too – especially if the plot is reasonable.

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  14. ladytarara: Heh, tell them that when they’re of legal age, come check it out… Srsly, I had too much fun with this. The negative troupes pervading both fanfiction and fiction managed to get on that one last scribbler nerve of mine and I had to ‘do’ something. Rape? Torture? Abuse-disguised-as-love? Sure, that shit happens, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be portrayed as somehow ok or, even worse, as “sexy” in some fucked-up way. Writers can hella write what they want to write (my motto on this site actually being something along the lines of: But, in the end, writers are going to write what writers want to write, and readers are going to read what readers want to read, and sometimes the twain should not meet, and that is perfectly fine.), but if they’re going to crank out pro-rape or pro-abuse drivel, they need to specify that they’re wanting to advance the pro-rape/pro-abuse agenda and NOT have their POS listed under any sort of “romance” category or genre.

    *dismounts soapbox* Yeah, the AP pissed me off hella bad with her useless bullshit…had to rectify that… Suspension of belief is somewhat mandatory but when too many sharks are jumped, I hit the x. Same with too much bad grammar/punctuation/spelling…that kind of thing tells me that the ‘writer’ couldn’t give a shit about the quality of their work and why would I want to read something that even its own writer couldn’t care less about? *sensing another soapbox…jumps and runs*

    Liked by 1 person

Ahh, you found me. No clue why they stuck me ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE, but see that "Comment" box? Have at it!

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