But I couldn’t figure out how to do one with the wonky layout WP has now.
So, write in the comments (*sigh* if the comment section is actually showing right then – if not, the just refresh until it magically appears…) WHAT STORY YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO WORK ON FIRST.
Yeah, you heard me.
I can PROMISE nothing, nothing at all, but I am definitely interested in finding out which of my WIPs y’all would most like my muse to visit if that FLB will agree to do so.
She hasn’t been around in quite some time what with death and amputations and brain fog and pandemics and personal losses and the fact that, yeah, she’s a flighty little bitch and I don’t blame her a bit... But I need something pleasant to concentrate on. No idea if it will do any good, but hell, nothing else is working.
Whu-whaa??
See, despite my best efforts and prayers and pleas to the universe, my life is going even further down into that damnable shitter – “money” has plummeted to the point that I’m not sure which bill I can pay this month and that gut-twisting panic is taking “mood” and “health” right along with it.
Talk about a hay ride from hell. DO. NOT. RECOMMEND.
Now that I know all too well how cold and cruel the world really is, I desperately need to force my attention elsewhere, especially while I still have power, to try to keep from focusing solely on what a pathetic waste my life is. Keep in mind that whichever fic “wins”, lol, will have to be reread with a fine-toothed comb (why did I make some of my plots so twisty??), so please don’t expect anything soon. Or at all…I know I’m worthless. (FREE ADVICE: DON’T HAVE BAD HEALTH AND BRAIN FOG IN AMERICA.)
And on a totally different and completely unrelated note,anybody got any Cliff’s Notes on my stories?? Inability to focus and concentrate have severely impacted my ability to even remember my plot weavings, much less keep them straight, and THAT RIGHT THERE is the main reason my writing has suffered.
So, if you still have a favorite WIP fic after All This Time (and OMG thank you if you do!!!), please let me know in the sometimes-appearing comments section which one it is, and if there are more than one, please list them in order.
And know that you guys are the best readers a writer could ever have. Yes, I admit it, I still go back and read y’all’s comments and reviews when my soul needs a little nudge. I also know that I’ve lost a lot of readers/followers over time because I’m no longer a productive member of the fanfom, and that’s totally understandable, but to those of you who have stuck by me, who have reached out and become genuine friends with me despite my failures and giganto boxes of whine, you badasses are the fucking BEST. You deserve literal gold for putting up with me and I heartfully appreciate every single one of you.
Ok, I’ll hush up now and wish y’all the best day. Hugs and obligatory PayPal link below as well as a hopefully-appearing comment box…if it decides to show…
So ok it’s not a REAL competition – I don’t have money for a prize anyway, and the “poetry” part is probably suspect as hell, too, but yeah. I have some words written in a poetic-ish fashion and wish to share them with you (apologies).
After you read them (srsly, apologies), I would like to either know what you think (cussin’ is allowed, of course), read what poetical thing you might write in response/opposition/etc., or both. They’re your words, too, so use’em!
So, without further ado’ing, here:
•~•0•~•
We were young
We were young We were kings Rulers of all Running the streets We didn’t know Thought the world against us Thought we had time We didn’t know we had it all We had time Until we started fading Until we lost hope Until we lost the future We didn’t know we had Lights falling Lights falling Dreams going dark We lost.
•~•0•~•
So, whatja think? Do you have your own set of words you’d like to post in the comments?
Anyway, that’s all I got for now. I guess you can tell I’m not in an especially good headspace atm. There’s lots of staring into the middle-distance with a bitter expression going on because that’s totes productive, right? My body is bad; my finances are worse than terrible; my creativity is awful… sigh Ever notice how comforting a thunderstorm can feel?
I hope y’all are doing better. I really do – I’ve “known” some of you for YEARS now. Sure, it’s “just” online, but I remember when I first started posting fanfic that it didn’t take long to start recognizing names of reviewers, to start recognizing who likes what style of story and who appreciated the writer as much as they appreciated the stories, who was especially supportive. It wasn’t difficult at all to develop a sincere appreciation for this one and that one, and to drift from “internet acquaintances” to genuine friends.
PS: You have no idea how very much I appreciate every single dime anyone has sent my way – your kindness means the world to me and absolutely warms my heart, so please don’t think the fact that I keep this fundraising active means I don’t value every single one of you. I do; it’s just that my situation is that dire. Thank you, for reals – from the bottom of my sweaty, cookie-crumb covered little adolescent heart that still giggles at penis jokes.
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NOT DEAD BUT NOT BY MUCH… (LOST A LEG AND FOUND MYPASSWORD)
Ok, so y’all know 2020 sucked major ass for a lot of us; well…2021 has sucked major ass, too, for a lot of us (meaning, well, me at least).
Grab a bevvy and a kitty/puppy/iguana, kick back, and peruse the story of how I lost a leg and found my password.
So…2021 busted 2020 wide open and it’s gonna be a great year, right?
*pfft*
Silly me – I don’t *GET* great years.
As the months progressed, I kept feeling worse and worse but it was all so gradual that, between anxiety and depression, I never realized just how bad my health was failing. Sure, I was in a lot of pain and “discomfort”, but then, I’ve always been in a lot of pain and “discomfort”, right, so nothing unusual there. No red flags were noticed; life such as it was went on.
Then the pain started getting markedly worse, especially in my already-partially-amputated left foot. Soon enough every single step caused excruciating pain like red-hot blades stabbing from the front of my foot all the way back.
It also hurt when I wasn’t walking on it.
Keep in mind that:
*I live in the U.S. where healthcare is but a dream if you’re an uninsured mortal… *I suffered from both anxiety and depression… *I know a lot about some aspects of medical care but by far not everything, and… *I am diabetic…
The pain and “discomfort” wore on my nerves so badly that at one point I seriously considered just ending it all.
Instead, because I have cats and a dog, I called 911 (emergency services for my foreign friends) on my ass. The pain, the “discomfort”, the anxiety and the depression really were that bad, but an angel kicked my ass, reminded me of shit, and made me reach for the phone.
I was admitted on Aug. 4th and wasn’t discharged until Aug. 25th. I remember small bits and pieces but most of the first two weeks I was in hospital are a foggy blur.
Amongst other issues, I was diagnosed with Charcot foot and an atrocious UTI. The X-ray of my foot (what was left of it, remember that about 1/3 of it had been amputated in 2017…) showed a tremendous degeneration of bone mass, and apparently I’m one of those people whose mental processes are severely affected by a UTI. The foot had been “hurting a little” until it was suddenly unGodly painful; I had no idea about the UTI except for a little lower back pain but who doesn’t have that?
Anyway, things happened and a body part was removed and another body part was disinfected (no wonder that FLM fled the scene – she must have known what was gonna happen and the horrid little beastie never even told me!) and time passed like my left leg.
When I was released, I had nowhere to go, no insurance therefore no rehab facility, no continuing physical therapy, no place to stay, no family I could call upon, nothing. Even if I had been able to get a ride home from the hospital, I didn’t have a wheelchair I could get to, and even if I had, my house isn’t compatible with wheelchairs and had no one to take care of me.
The reasons for my depression were real and realized.
The angel that guided my hand to my phone provided once again. I’ve been online friends with a group for well over 15 years now (and I cannot believe it’s been that long but it has) and led a member of that group who lives about 2 hours away to pick me up at the hospital and let me recuperate at her house in another state.
She had to acquire a wheelchair and a bedside toilet for my newly single-legged self to use. She provided transportation – 2 hours each way – for me to keep my appointments with the surgeon and then to keep appointments with “the leg guy” – the company recommended for the prosthetic leg.
Fake legs are strange animals. Newly amputated limbs are strange animals. These two animals do not speak the same language…I’m still on crutches.
Phantom pain is real, and it can hurt like a bitch. It can also itch. Right this moment my left toes are hurting. They vacated the premises back in ’17.
Currently I still have swelling at the amputation site and on above (I’m a “below the knee” amputee in that I have 3-4″ of bone below the knee). Doc cut the bone up to that point but was able to save a LOT of back calf muscle which he brought forward to cover the cut bone and sewed to the front of my remaining leg. He was genuinely shocked at how well I did – infection-wise and I guess mentally and emotionally accepting of the new reality – after the surgery.
I don’t miss that portion of my leg. By the end it not only was painful as all fuckout but wasn’t at all dependable. The new leg isn’t exactly dependable but with experience and gradual “downsizing” replacements, it will be. Eventually. Probably.
But at least the fake motherfucker doesn’t hurt.
Anyway, while I was stuck in bed for 3 weeks (a terrible time I just don’t feel like revisiting right now), the only computational device I had was my Kindle Fire. Thank God I had it. Problem was, I couldn’t remember hardly any passwords ESPECIALLY to…here.
I received a review today and that reminded me just how much I like you beautiful, glorious saints, sinners, angels, and demons. So I got bright, checked to see if I had the password saved on my browser – annnnd yup, I do!
Voila! Here I be!
I am still depressed but I’m handling it in a much more responsible way. I am drinking figurative gallons of fluids a day and monitoring for color and “discomfort”. I’m getting around in my house very, very slowly and I can’t do much of anything when I’m “up” except crutch along…slowly, but I’m doing it. I’m focusing on taking my insulin shots when and as I’m supposed to. And I’m freaking the fuck out about hospital bills, vet boarding bills for 2 cats and a dog for Aug, Sept, and over half of Oct, and the cost of this fake leg (they are VASTLY more expensive than you would EVER think). It’s all painfully, extortionately, ludicrously expensive.
But I’m alive, for whatever that ends up being worth.
Thank you for listening, for caring, for wondering where the everlovin’ fuck I am, and for reading. You guys are a bright light in darkened days, the memory of better times, and the hope that they’ll return someday.
TL;DR = LOST A LEG AND FOUND MY PASSWORD…
If you can and if you want, I do have a PayPal donation site thingie, and ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is very much appreciated.
Ok, you can go pee now and maybe think about letting the doggie out and giving the kitty cats some treats. Cats love treats. Wait, so do I…am I a kitty now? Don’t forget the iguana.
Love, peace, and paper towels,
~Mer
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Addicted to Godric...Eric...Andre...(Sevrin) 