NOT DEAD BUT NOT BY MUCH…  (LOST A LEG AND FOUND MY PASSWORD)

NOT DEAD BUT NOT BY MUCH…  (LOST A LEG AND FOUND MY PASSWORD)

Ok, so y’all know 2020 sucked major ass for a lot of us;  well…2021 has sucked major ass, too, for a lot of us (meaning, well, me at least).

Grab a bevvy and a kitty/puppy/iguana, kick back, and peruse the story of how I lost a leg and found my password.

So…2021 busted 2020 wide open and it’s gonna be a great year, right?

*pfft*

Silly me – I don’t *GET* great years. 

As the months progressed, I kept feeling worse and worse but it was all so gradual that, between anxiety and depression, I never realized just how bad my health was failing.  Sure, I was in a lot of pain and “discomfort”, but then, I’ve always been in a lot of pain and “discomfort”, right, so nothing unusual there.  No red flags were noticed; life such as it was went on.

Then the pain started getting markedly worse, especially in my already-partially-amputated left foot.  Soon enough every single step caused excruciating pain like red-hot blades stabbing from the front of my foot all the way back.

It also hurt when I wasn’t walking on it.

Keep in mind that:

*I live in the U.S. where healthcare is but a dream if you’re an uninsured mortal…
*I suffered from both anxiety and depression…
*I know a lot about some aspects of medical care but by far not everything, and…
*I am diabetic…

The pain and “discomfort” wore on my nerves so badly that at one point I seriously considered just ending it all. 

Instead, because I have cats and a dog, I called 911 (emergency services for my foreign friends) on my ass.  The pain, the “discomfort”, the anxiety and the depression really were that bad, but an angel kicked my ass, reminded me of shit, and made me reach for the phone.

I was admitted on Aug. 4th and wasn’t discharged until Aug. 25th.  I remember small bits and pieces but most of the first two weeks I was in hospital are a foggy blur. 

Amongst other issues, I was diagnosed with Charcot foot and an atrocious UTI.  The X-ray of my foot (what was left of it, remember that about 1/3 of it had been amputated in 2017…) showed a tremendous degeneration of bone mass, and apparently I’m one of those people whose mental processes are severely affected by a UTI.  The foot had been “hurting a little” until it was suddenly unGodly painful; I had no idea about the UTI except for a little lower back pain but who doesn’t have that?

Anyway, things happened and a body part was removed and another body part was disinfected (no wonder that FLM fled the scene – she must have known what was gonna happen and the horrid little beastie never even told me!) and time passed like my left leg.

When I was released, I had nowhere to go, no insurance therefore no rehab facility, no continuing physical therapy, no place to stay, no family I could call upon, nothing.  Even if I had been able to get a ride home from the hospital, I didn’t have a wheelchair I could get to, and even if I had, my house isn’t compatible with wheelchairs and had no one to take care of me.

The reasons for my depression were real and realized.

The angel that guided my hand to my phone provided once again.  I’ve been online friends with a group for well over 15 years now (and I cannot believe it’s been that long but it has) and led a member of that group who lives about 2 hours away to pick me up at the hospital and let me recuperate at her house in another state.

She had to acquire a wheelchair and a bedside toilet for my newly single-legged self to use.  She provided transportation – 2 hours each way – for me to keep my appointments with the surgeon and then to keep appointments with “the leg guy” – the company recommended for the prosthetic leg.

Fake legs are strange animals.  Newly amputated limbs are strange animals.  These two animals do not speak the same language…I’m still on crutches.

Phantom pain is real, and it can hurt like a bitch.  It can also itch.  Right this moment my left toes are hurting.  They vacated the premises back in ’17.

Currently I still have swelling at the amputation site and on above (I’m a “below the knee” amputee in that I have 3-4″ of bone below the knee).  Doc cut the bone up to that point but was able to save a LOT of back calf muscle which he brought forward to cover the cut bone and sewed to the front of my remaining leg.  He was genuinely shocked at how well I did – infection-wise and I guess mentally and emotionally accepting of the new reality – after the surgery.

I don’t miss that portion of my leg.  By the end it not only was painful as all fuckout but wasn’t at all dependable.  The new leg isn’t exactly dependable but with experience and gradual “downsizing” replacements, it will be.  Eventually.  Probably. 

But at least the fake motherfucker doesn’t hurt.

Anyway, while I was stuck in bed for 3 weeks (a terrible time I just don’t feel like revisiting right now), the only computational device I had was my Kindle Fire.  Thank God I had it.  Problem was, I couldn’t remember hardly any passwords ESPECIALLY to…here.

I received a review today and that reminded me just how much I like you beautiful, glorious saints, sinners, angels, and demons.  So I got bright, checked to see if I had the password saved on my browser – annnnd yup, I do!

Voila!  Here I be!

I am still depressed but I’m handling it in a much more responsible way.  I am drinking figurative gallons of fluids a day and monitoring for color and “discomfort”.  I’m getting around in my house very, very slowly and I can’t do much of anything when I’m “up” except crutch along…slowly, but I’m doing it.  I’m focusing on taking my insulin shots when and as I’m supposed to.  And I’m freaking the fuck out about hospital bills, vet boarding bills for 2 cats and a dog for Aug, Sept, and over half of Oct, and the cost of this fake leg (they are VASTLY more expensive than you would EVER think).  It’s all painfully, extortionately, ludicrously expensive.

But I’m alive, for whatever that ends up being worth.

Thank you for listening, for caring, for wondering where the everlovin’ fuck I am, and for reading.  You guys are a bright light in darkened days, the memory of better times, and the hope that they’ll return someday.

 TL;DR = LOST A LEG AND FOUND MY PASSWORD…

If you can and if you want, I do have a PayPal donation site thingie, and ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is very much appreciated. 

PAYPAL FUNDRAISER

Ok, you can go pee now and maybe think about letting the doggie out and giving the kitty cats some treats.  Cats love treats.  Wait, so do I…am I a kitty now? Don’t forget the iguana.

Love, peace, and paper towels,

~Mer

8 thoughts on “NOT DEAD BUT NOT BY MUCH…  (LOST A LEG AND FOUND MY PASSWORD)

  1. I haven’t got money for spare. Sorry for that because you are worthy. I hope that my bad english is good enough to understand it. You are the best!

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  2. Mer, I’m so sorry for the shit life has been throwing your way. Believe it or not, I think of you and your amazing stories often. I’m a Godric-girl, now and forever. Sometimes, I just need to reread and take my mind off of stuff — and I’m grateful your stuff is there. I wish I could do something more to help you.

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  3. Wow….just Wow! You are a ninja warrior! That’s tough and you’ve still got a sense of humor. I’m sure it escaped you during much of this shit show, but it has returned. I wish you well –healing of mind, body and soul! I hope you can get much needed help –via Medicaid, the American Diabetes Association or local clinics that can monitor your condition. You’re alone and you need some kind of ongoing oversight. I pray that it is available!

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  4. This year kicked ass and took names for real. I am going to say something so weird, I am glad that they took your leg, because any other option scares me. I wish that I had any thing other then words to help you!
    I am glad that you are somewhat hail and (sorry) whole. [that was bad] but I am glad that you have your password!

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  5. Pingback: A TIP O’THE HAT TO YOU (THANK YOU)! | Addicted to Godric…Eric…Andre…(Sevrin)

  6. bashfyl: Thank you, hon. I would be dead if I hadn’t, realistically. Now I’m just drowning in bills I can’t pay while trying to crutch’it around in my house, lol. Eh, 2021 sucked. I hope 2022 is better for ALL of us! Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

Ahh, you found me. No clue why they stuck me ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE, but see that "Comment" box? Have at it!

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