Just a few of my *observations regarding sex scenes in the fanfic world…

Here’s a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy literary eye-roll I have about some of the “OMGodric – Srsly?” terms, phrases and actions used in fanfic sex scenes.  Don’t get me wrong:  the whole point behind writing fanfic is to FIRST AND FOREMOST enjoy creating a story based on the books or tv show that you love.   But…geez…Godric…:


*Apparently female pussies/sexes/love boxes/cunts (a word I DESPISE!)/muffs/vaginas (it’s VULVA, people…vaginas are on the INSIDE!  *sigh*  Here:

The vulva (from the Latin vulva, plural vulvae, see etymology) consists of the external genital organs of the female mammal.[1] This NSFW article deals with the vulva of the human being, although the structures are similar for other mammals.

Told’ja.) of all species are always permanently gushing  and/or dripping, and, according to male responses, apparently have a strong odor problem.  Perhaps a doctor should be seen for both situations?  Does all that gushing/dripping  pool at their feet?  Won’t they get a fungus from all that perma-moisture?

* Apparently these females are pretty much in perma-heat…but only after meeting the male (or female?) that fate/the fates/nature/some prophesy or other/whatever has chosen for them.  Also apparently, free choice is – at best – barely an option.  But that’s also apparently ok since her pussy/vulva/love box/gushing cavern craves what’s-his-name so much that she’ll “choose” him anyfuckingway. 

*When going down on said male-of-their-dreams, apparently the female is supposed to “swallow all that he has to offer”…  Does that include his wallet?  What about cars?  Jewelry?  Wouldn’t those be hard to swallow?  Is that supposed to sound better than “thick ropes of cold vamp cum slithering down her throat” or something?


*I worry about all those males while they’re “kneeling at her entrance/opening”…  What is she, a cave?  Are bats going to be flying out at them?  What about cave crickets – those bastards can jump pretty far.  And as wet as she apparently is, they might want to watch out for mold, too.


*And males?  Before you go “probing” your “fingers into her most intimate place” or “dipping” your “fingers inside her”, could you wash your hands first?  Seriously, y’all…  Can we say YEAST INFECTION?  How do we know you didn’t just pick your nose or pick up what the puppy chucked up on the floor a minute ago?

disgusted 2

*And as far as vampires are concerned?  Dude, don’t be biting and sucking blood out of  ladies NIPPLES of all things!  One good chomp and the damn thing’d come right off, and we kinda LIKE them, and want them to STAY ATTACHED!  Not to mention OWWW!  So:  fangs OFF the nipples, please.  (Sooo not going to be using that one…I actually LIKE my heroines and really don’t wanna give them mangled boobies…)

fangs off the nipples

*And, well, call me a prude, but if you’ve just had your fingers all up in a lady’s vagina or stroking a lady’s vulva like it’s a pet of some sort, for God’s sakes, don’t turn right around and stick’em in her mouth.  That’s just gross.  Things are probably GROWING in that consta-damp/wet/gushing/dripping love-cave and NO ONE wants shit like that in her mouth.  So…don’t be cramming your “dripping” fingers in her mouth.


*Same thing with faces “dripping with moisture” from having licked her “nub”… (I can’t really bitch too much about “nub”…I hate the term, but really, there just aren’t that many things you can call a clitoris and keep a straight face.)  So:  Don’t be all kissy-face immediately after muff-diving…wipe that shit off first.  Who knows where those fingers have been before you started “pumping” and “thrusting” them all up in her vagina in the first place!

disgusted no me gusta

*And…OMGodric…stoppit with leaving slime trails from her wet/dripping/gushing (srsly, seems like we need a doctor in here)/drenched/soggy/mushy/squishy (breathe) pussy/kitty/love canal/heated cavern/fuck grotto/passageway/escape-pod-to-Venus over her stomach to her breasts past gramma’s house to encircle the nipples you’re going to accidently “nip” off here in a minute.  Slime trails are gross – SNAILS, anyone?  Blech.

disgusted snape walking out

*And, finally:  Males, if you for whatever fucktarded, psycho reason need to hear your female “beg to cum”, dude…just go back to middle school.  We’ll wait for you to grow the fuck up……not.

buh bye

Thank you for taking the time to read my mini-rant.

NOTICE of FAIR WARNING and/or IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE:  I’ve probably used a few of these in the past (ok, maybe not so many) and might use some of them in the future (unlikely, but hell, who knows…ok…I admit that I kinda like “heated fuck grotto”…it has a certain je ne sais quoi about it…).

Also:  this is NOT about you.  Srsly.  Well, unless you constantly discuss constantly wet fuck grottos and bit-boobie sucking…


*My observations are just that:  mine.  These are just my opinions and I don’t mean anything (much) negative by this.  (And by “observations” I mean “things I’ve read just often enough for it to mutate from an eye-roll to a full-blown pet peeve… )  And just think, folks, we STILL haven’t cum to the topic of dicks/cocks/throbbing love poles yet…


If you have any pet peeve fanfic sex phrases or realllly questionable fic-sex practices you’d like to see discontinued or at least explained (or much-needed hygienic advice you’d love to see enacted), feel free to post’em here (so we can all laugh…or roll our eyes…or both…)




58 thoughts on “Just a few of my *observations regarding sex scenes in the fanfic world…

  1. Lol, none at all I don’t think! These are generally fall-backs used by less experienced (or really lazy?) writers, and YOU, missy, don’t fall into either category! (Thank God!)


  2. Oh, man – that was a regal rant!!!!!!!!! The psychological underpinnings are so revealing. All those writers crying: “accept me for what I am, tell me I’m not dirty, that my body’s just fine!!!! Give me your approval. Please. I’ll do anything.”
    Sad, sad, sad.


  3. Nah, not for you – you have WAY too much talent to EVER worry about that sort of trite slop, lol Srsly! Do. Not. Worry. (Well, unless you were considering having him worship the cavern of….*snicker*…)


  4. But I’ve seen SO many examples of (honestly, INEXPERIENCED) writers writing the weirdest versions of sex – not abusive bondage/S&M shit, but where they just don’t seem to want their characters to draw the line between “gross” and “sexy”….but then again, this is just my opinion.

    I, for one, have absolutely no intention of “tasting our combined juices”… *vomit*


  5. Lol! Thanks!! If you ever need a euphemism for the well-spring of gushing juices (I’m laughing so hard over here), you’re more than welcome to borrow it. Just…please…for Godric’s sake…wash it before you return it… BWAHAHAHA!!!


  6. What you don’t want yeast and bacteria running rampant in the cavern? Oh well, it’s a good thing I was always a big Dan if good hand hygiene, kinda have to be in my line of work! 😉


  7. Yeah, your whole rant up there is why I had so much trouble writing dream lemons for Sookie Stackhouse Wannabe (obvious plug). All the usual terms for body parts just didn’t seem right to me. So I guess I better study really hard (pun!) before I tackle any future lemons…Orrrr, maybe I’ll just beg and plead for my friend (cough) to write them for me. lol


  8. Lol!!! Hell, mine aren’t much better than what I’ve been poking (heh heh, I said “poking”…) fun at! Your lemons are gonna be fine (once Janie’s back in her own body, that is…)!!!


  9. I seriously love the rant! You know I have to wonder sometimes what people are thinking. Here is a rant for you…what is up with all the fucking showers? I would be in permanent pruneville if I took that many showers/baths.


  10. Thank you!

    Your words…I understand them!! Srsly – I can see one REALLY HOT shower scene…cause it could be a great place for a hot scene…but, geez…how MANY times can these people fuck in the shower without either sliding and getting hurt taking out the back wall, or dislodging every single tile?? And…EXACTLY…pruned skin is SO not attractive for taking the luve-train to Venus or what-have-you…!

    Great point!!!!!


  11. That was funny! I’m probably guilty of some of the stuff you said too, which makes it even funnier! I’m pretty sure I’ve made Sookie an epic “swallower” before–poor woman! That wallet, car, etc., must have been uncomfortable to digest. Maybe, I’ll rethink that next time. 😉 LOL!!! Or not. And–I’ll have you know–that everyone who has sex in my stories is sure to wash their hands first. There are wet naps all over the place! LOL!!! Thanks for sharing your rant!


  12. BWAHAHA @ wet naps!!!
    I guess it’s fairly obvious that I don’t take fic lemons all THAT seriously or I wouldn’t be so worried about her swallowing his house keys as she “swallows everything he has to give her”…. *snicker* I have too much fun being way too literal…
    Unfortunately there just doesn’t seem to be all that many ways to create/re-create/re-re… sex scenes in fics no matter how hard we try.
    But I’m awfully glad we DO try! 😉


  13. There’s always the lumberjack motif. His huge log traveling into her mill, dripping sap all the way? His lumber being jacked until she swallows all the pulp he has to give? Hmm…Maybe not. He sawed back and forth until they both fell to the ground in a thud so loud that someone should have yelled timber? Hmm…I’ll keep working. 😉


  14. OMGodric I’m crying over here!! 😀

    Keep in mind that with all that sawing, there’s gonna be blistering…all that sawing would lead to a load of sawdust at the end…and the earth would tremble when that long thick log slams to the ground…hum…I see what you mean…keep working on it…you’re on a roll…


  15. She rolled his log in her hands for a while, causing him to cuss like the lumberjack he was. Then he cursed even louder when she took his smooth bat into her mouth as far as she could.
    She inhaled deeply. He smelled of the outdoors & pulp & Axe cologne–all man!
    “No–leave the flannel shirt on,” she begged when he started to take off the garment.
    His rough, calloused hands felt like sandpaper over her smooth, supple breasts, and the mixture of pleasure and discomfort caused her to gasp in ecstasy.
    “Pound me! Now!” she cried. “Saw me in two with your long thick wood!”
    He didn’t need to be asked twice.
    He positioned his lumber over her log shoot and hammered into her in one powerful thrust.
    The many rings of his log stretched her as she’d never been stretched before!
    “Paul Bunyan! Babe!” he cried out, calling to his gods in incoherent grunts and groans because of his exertions.
    She held on for dear life as he jackhammered into her again and again until she thought she would splinter in two.
    Finally, the sweat pouring from them both like the sap from a fallen tree, he felt her log shoot grip him tightly as her release came. He pulled out of her and shot his load all over her and the room like sawdust in a lumber mill.
    The earth seemed to tremble as he fell onto her as if she was Mother Earth herself.
    “That was–shattering!” she said, catching her breath.
    “Then you won’t mind if I nail you again,” he smirked.


  16. AXe? NO—not the AXe!!
    Flannel? *shrieking!!*
    Rings… *snort*
    Paul Bunyan!!!! Babe!!!! **ROFLMAO**
    Jack…hammered…saw…dust…I can’t…I just can’t… *blots tears*
    OH NO – poor trembling Mother Earth…

    At last she was assured of having more than just a splinter of his affection…

    LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOL!!!!! 😀


  17. Hard wood IS superior to soft wood. There is nothing worse than wood that is too soft. It splinters and then you have a mess on your hands (though there are wet naps in every room–just in case). And a “GOOD” buff-and-wax job is definitely superior to a “bad” one, but, again, there might be a mess involved. And then your floor’s not clean any more! It’s a vicious circle.


  18. True – soft woods are just too pudgy to hold up well, and those splinters are a pain in the…ass to deal with.
    *sigh* Buff…wax…clean…dry… *sigh* It’s a long, hard tale. But, yup, even a bad buff-n-wax beats none at all, and there’s always a load of dust to have to deal with afterwards. Having a case of wet-naps and a jug of hand-sanitizer in every room definitely helps with those particular situations.
    Ah, well, I’m getting sappy over here just thinking about the never-ending cycle.


  19. Oh God! This was hilarious. I’ll confess I’m guilty of some of them, but I still cracked up reading this.

    From now on I’m gonna have Eric and Sookie carry antibacterial soap around with them to wash their hands, lol. Oh and brush their teeth and gargle mouthwash after oral.

    Love this.


  20. LOL! “A long, hard tale,” indeed. It’s a sad, sad story when you buff and buff and buff, and then your only reward is a load of dust everywhere. And does the floor thank you? No. It likely “expected” the servicing. Sigh. And, of course, if the area you are buffing and waxing is big enough, a case of wet-naps might not be enough to combat the blown load. And then you find the residue in crevices and cracks for months and months! And that just sucks–worse that a vampire bite to the nipple.


  21. **bows** Thank you! I don’t know if I just read too many fics too quickly or what, but before long I started…noticing…then questioning…some of these sexual practices and descriptions. These are not good things when my snark jumps into the mix, lol.

    *seriously considering ensuring that all my future fic bathrooms have mouthwash dispensers and li’l paper cups, and that all fic bedside tables have conveniently accessible hand sanitizer pumps*



  22. Oi…easy on the gnawed nips over there…those wet naps would sting like a mo’fo! But at least the sap could help stop the bleeding…

    But…ashually, I’m thinking the hard wood is never grateful enough for the whole buffing and waxing routine. They certainly never offer to pay for the carpal tunnel treatments! No sir-ee, that’s not gonna happen. And do said hard woods ever bother getting up on a step-ladder to clean the crown moldings from when the sawdust flies all over the place?? No. Of course not.



  23. LOL!
    And don’t even get me started on how hard it is to clean the ceiling fan blades. The floor is the one that wanted the goddamned ceiling fan in the first place!


  24. LOL!!
    “Oh, it’ll provide such a cool breeze” and “Sure, honeysuckle, I’ll help keep it clean and dust off all the sawdust”… Meh. Leaf it to them and whaddya get? Nut’ing.


  25. I’m of the sincere opinion that weeping/gushing vaginas/love grottoes and penises/love poles might need a doctor’s immediate attentions… *snort*

    Good one!!


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