Sookie Takes Charge, Ch. 11

**A/N: If you read my story “Decisions”, be prepared because you will see some of the ideas presented in this letter again. And if that’s not a HUMONGOUS hint about that story, I dunno what would be…  I understand this chapter may require half a tissue…?**

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 The Letter

Eric,

Oh, my Eric, my Beautiful Child, my Golden Warrior…what can I say to you so that you may understand?

How can I put into mere words the overwhelming reasonings behind my choice to leave?

I have wronged you in ways I am only now coming to realize, but for the moment, I must admit that for decades upon decades I have hidden from you the true depths of my sorrows, my torment, even the division within my soul.

Ah, but I am getting ahead of myself as usual, eh?

First, I owe you an apology, one of many I’m afraid.

Do you remember what I said to you the night I brought you into this world of darkness? That we would be Father, Brother, and Son?

In my selfish desire for peace, for release from the shadows surrounding and within me which I shall attempt to explain later, I lost sight of the fact that as you are a part of me, so am I a part of you.

You no longer needed me as a Father, and that is of enormous credit to you. But I lost sight of the fact that when I left, I would be taking with me not just your Father, but your Brother and your Son, as well.

Of all the evils I have done, that is one of my greatest shames.

I was so lost in my own struggles that I had forgotten that we are an entire family unto each other, and when I left you, I wrested from you those other parts of yourself.

I am sorry. Forgive me.

Sadly, I have wronged you in other ways as well.

For the past century or so, and in a way that you were not meant to notice, I have been slowly closing my side of our Bond to protect you from the rotting in the center of my being. This was done for your protection, but in doing so I robbed you of the knowledge you would need to understand my passing, and I did not allow that beautiful light inside you to help soothe and disperse the darkness slowly drowning me.

You did not deserve to be left out of what was happening to your Brother, your Son, and I took away your freedom to decide for yourself if and how you could have, possibly, helped me.

I did this because you did also not deserve to feel the malevolent things I felt, the confusion, the battle that has been waging within me since my own Creation.

There is a beast that resides within us, a pulsing, insidious, invidious beast that slithers into our psyche upon becoming vampire, and it never leaves; it never silences; it never grants us peace.

In muting then shutting down our Bond, I did protect you, but I did not give you the chance to learn from it. As your Maker, I was far too proud to ask for your help, and yet as your Maker, it was and is my duty to protect you from as much as possible – even and especially from myself.

I both failed and succeeded miserably.

You did not need to experience the pain, the desperate despair and impotent frustration I felt every single night when I could no longer ignore the incompatible duality inside me, but neither did I allow you to learn things you may desperately need to know for your own future or that of your progeny.

The extent of my descent is in no way your fault, Eric. And while I plead with the universe that you not experience these things, it is in your best interest that you now be made aware of what could be.

How do I explain to you what I barely understand myself?

My Child, you should realize by now that, as vampires, we are the physical embodiment of a writhing, tormenting dichotomy.

Soon after you first became vampire, do you remember that first time you met the beast that suddenly resided within you?

Do you remember the first time your fangs erupted without thought? I remember, and it was a beautiful sight.

Do remember those first few whispers from your beast, the first time you felt that rumbling in your chest?

I remember the first time you growled, and it was marvelous. My spine still tingles with that memory, knowing that was truly the first time your beast had proudly made himself known to you.

The beast inside of me knew you to be of mine own, and rejoiced.

I was Death, and we were triumphant.

But do you remember the first time your beast came calling with an impetus you could not ignore? The first time you howled in rage? In feral joy?

How about the first time your beast howled in desperate fury and desolate sorrow demanding to be set free in a way that the other part of you knew could not be possible – and you were torn beyond measure?

Imagine living with that beast for well over 2,000 years, and you will have a small, a very small, idea of how I have suffered.

I wanted, needed, to protect you from this knowledge, but now I see that not only have I done you a disservice in not letting you prepare for my leaving, but indeed I could have caused irreparable harm to your future life in not allowing you to prepare for this thing.

That beast I write about…he is a living breathing dead thing aching to come to light, to life. He aches to take over the vessel containing him, owning him by the very life it gives, caging him and never allowing him to come free because such a freedom is not possible. Were he to become free, our deaths would be final, but as he is an animal, a foul, unthinking animal of the lowest order. He cannot know that, cannot understand that his unthinking, uncaring freedom would mean our destruction.

This is the dichotomy inherent between the human and the vampire.

Once Turned, we instinctively fight to retain our origins, the fundamental base of who we are, of who we were before we are vampire, and that fight is constant whether we realize it or not. There is no peace! None!

Sometimes our higher reasoning wins and we retain at least a semblance of who and what we were, and it must be enough.

Sometimes our baser instincts win, and there is death. We then lose who we were and who we were to become as we revel in bloody greed and in the painful destruction we have the power to be and cause and…and it will never be enough.

And there rests the burning incongruity, the rending. We naturally wish to remain as we were, rational, sentient beings with the capacity to love and learn and build and grow, yet deep inside us now is a place where desperate, destructive instincts and depraved commands and vile needs rule. There reigns the lowest being who aches to destroy, who aches and wars with himself to be free to both live and die.

Neither side can truly merge with the other, and that, my beloved Child, is why I tired so of living.

I regret the pain and destruction I have caused in my past, yet, the beast within me revels in fetid and savage glee at having caused that pain and desperation, at having cause that pain and desperation to my own self. Even now he purrs in the memory and snarls with the need to do so again while the man I used to be drowns in sorrow.

It pains me to admit this, but Eric, I regret Turning you. To the very depths of my soul I regret damning you to this life.

Not because of you or who you are – choosing you was the very best decision I have ever made. You are my finest joy, my greatest accomplishment. You are the light that gave solace to my nights. You have so vastly exceeded every single desire and goal I had for you – you amaze me with your spirit, your warrior’s heart, your intelligence…

But if I had this to do over while retaining the knowledge I have now lived, I never would have condemned you to this false life. You deserved far, far better than being forced to live with the demons fighting inside you as they now do me. You deserved rest and peace, not the strife and angst and pain that may grow and evolve as you age.

For truly, I do not believe man is meant to become vampire. Not because vampires are inherently evil, but because the angry, desperate beast of dichotomy, of the division between higher and lower, the division between human and vampire, the inherent division between even life and death, will rot the soul which no longer remains your own.

In death, however, I have found… life.

It now occurs to me that part of my problem in becoming vampire is that I was born part Fae. At least I hope this is the case because if so, it means you may not suffer in such ways as I have, and it is my greatest wish that your unlife be far, far easier than mine own has been.

Oh yes, Eric, your Maker is a fairy hybrid.

When I burned on that rooftop, I did not die.

Instead, miracles still exist – I came…home to what you would call Fairy.

Indeed yes, I was a half-breed when I was Turned. During my youth, the portals between our Realms were often left casually open, and I was able to freely pass between them.

Sadly, once I became vampire this was no longer an option, and my home, my sun, my family…everything was then denied me.

No one knows why I came here instead of going to The Summerlands as would have been my right, but after more than two thousand years, I have come home.

After more than two thousand years, I have once again seen the Fae sun! As I am of the Sky Fae, this means more to me than you could ever possibly imagine.

Here, that beast inside of me has been not completely quelled, but at least he has been silenced, perhaps temporarily, but it is a peace I have yearned for more and more with each passing year…century…millennia.

Because of the brilliant light of the sun and the soothing warmth of the air, and the comforting scent of home…a beauty has been restored to my heart that has been missing since my Turning.

In light of all this, I have come to the conclusion that, as creatures of light and never of eternal darkens, fairies and fairy hybrids are never meant to be Turned.

But miracle of all miracles, I am home again!

And I can eat again! Favorite foods I have missed or forgotten entirely – especially strawberries and peas! Fairy wines, meads…even the sweetest spring waters in the Realm are mine to savor once again.

My heart? It beats! I can feel my blood moving within my veins!

My body? I am warm! I can walk and bathe and sleep in this sun without blistering my flesh, and it is good.

My Brother, I am no longer owned by the sun. I can sleep, actually sleep, whenever I wish, and I awaken only when I am refreshed.

And I dream. I can dream again.

I have the best of both worlds here because I am also still vampire. While I hunger for food and drink, my fangs and I still thirst for blood, and I drink with as much savage joy as I ever have.

Blood is easily collected from the many partially-fae hybrids who live in the area, so my fundamental needs are well, and quite tastily, met.

The vampire urges remain and I doubt they will ever truly fade, yet I have recovered use of my fairy gifts.

It is truly an odd combination.

The darkness is still within me, only, it is subdued, perhaps wilted or drained by this sun? No matter, I will not question the miracle of the joy I have found here.

I only ask that you forgive me should you feel I deserve it, and that you to keep this knowledge of my survival to yourself.

A search is currently under way to find out if it would be possible to return to your side, if only for a visit. Do not think too strongly of this just yet, however, as I do not know if this will be feasible.

Instead, cherish Sookie. Hold her gently and close to your heart. The vampire world has been cruel to her and she has done nothing to deserve this.

Should I see this William Compton, his life is forfeit.

Should I see you, my precious Child, we will have words.

Strong words.

However, I know that your ill-treatment of her, and the perceived necessity behind it, is in essence my fault. Had I been alive, Russell Edgington would never have been an issue. I would have eviscerated him before he could touch a hair on your beautiful head.

Fix this situation with Sookie as best and as quickly as you can – if she will let you. I feel that you have never truly made an effort to know or understand her, and if you should choose to finally do so, I feel you will be very disappointed with yourself for not having done so before.  Do this not for me, but for yourself, and for her.

It is now time for me to close this letter as the lady in question awaits its creation so that she may kindly bring it to you.  

Although she does not know the meaning behind the words, I have given Sookie our code to prove the truth of my existence to you in hopes that will prevent you from doing anything… impulsive. I fear her pronunciation will be quite atrocious, but then, we had only had a few minutes to practice.

Know that even if I am unable to ever come to you, I am well.  I am happier than I ever expected to be.  I am whole.

In ainm an Athar agus an Mhic agus an Deartháir.

~Godric

 

“In ainm an Athar agus an Mhic agus an Deartháir,” Eric softly repeated as he closed his eyes in a futile effort to staunch the endless flow of tears down his cheeks. “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Brother.”

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**A/N:  I’d like to send a special THANK YOU to charity6201 and Gyllene for pre-reading this to make sure it made sense.  In some ways the contents of The Letter were hard to conceive.  Godric had to have such a serious reason to be so tired of living that death actually became a “viable” option because otherwise he was such a good Maker – Father, Brother, Son – to Eric that nothing short of unimaginable and unceasing torment could cause him to choose that final death over his Child.  So, what did you think?**

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