PAM’S GIFT TO ERIC: A CRACK-FIC

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Pam came strolling into Fangtasia late that night carrying several bags. For once she wasn’t dressed in her usual classy-Goth costume, instead wearing her vastly preferred pink sweater set and her white loafers (it wasn’t after Labor Day, yet).

Eric was lounging in his office ignoring all the Area paperwork spread on the desk before him, choosing to stare instead at a shoddy picture lifted from the now-upgraded video surveillance system. Sookie was standing in the doorway in all her blurry glory wearing that delectable white dress with the video-mutated red splotches on it. Any ‘companion’ she might have arrived with had been immediately cut out of said picture.

He looked up and automatically changed the tab on his laptop when Pam summarily came bursting into his office, and was surprised when she thought to close the door behind herself. His perma-Child was not known for being so thoughtful.

“Eric,” she started, her tone implying vast weariness, affection, and a certain irritation with her Maker, “I have figured out what is wrong with you.”

He cringed. He’d thought his obsession with a certain pretty blonde telepath had gone unnoticed…

“When you sit on that old wooden throne, your balls get cold. So, since you have to present yourself to the vermin – why else would they pay the high cover-charge and the ridiculous price for those watered-down drinks if not to see you – at last I have rectified the problem!  Now you have no reason to man-sulk!”

With an excited flourish belied by her usual blasé expression, Pam plopped one of her shopping bags down on his desk. When he didn’t immediately dive into the bag, instead choosing to lean back in his desk chair and watch the proceedings unfold with all appropriate stoicism, she huffed and approached to do the deed herself.  How hard must she work to give someone a gift!

After upending the bag and emptying it of its contents, the blonde vampire gave her Maker an expectant glance, but was disappointed by the clearly confused look on his handsome face.

“Dick and ball warmers, Eric! It’s a heater for your peter!  A warmer for your performer! It’s knitted and is meant to be worn under your other clothes. I bought you two in every color! I figured the pink would be for Tuesdays, and the green would be great for your Wednesday nights, and the purple…”

Pam’s voice droned on and on while Eric sat there in stunned silence.

His Child expected him to wear knitted dick and ball warmers…under his leather pants?

WTF?

How the hell am I supposed to get the damn thing on? It’s so…little!

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**A/N:  I absolutely and totally blame this snippet on my friends Cuinawen, Harley, M4T, Bertie Bott, and Charity…  Hope you liked!**

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