Dad Was Buried Today + Existential Ponderings

Yeah, that.  Dad was buried today, at 11am, and I couldn’t safely be there.  My heart was, and my thoughts, and my mind and soul and grief were there, but my body wasn’t.

That makes me feel…a lot of things, honestly.  Sadness, grief, regret, guilt, sorrow…

He’s irrevocably gone, now, no doubts about it.  Lowering the body into the ground and then covering it up with dirt has a certain cold and cruel finality to it, doesn’t it?

Oddly, I feel like I should feel guiltier about not being there.  To be sure, I feel quite awful that I wasn’t physically present at his grave site when his body was lowered into the ground and I will probably always feel very sad and torn about it, but on the other hand my dad would not have wanted me to expose myself to the virus, not with my health problems at any rate.  (From December into January he kept at me me until I finally got the flu vax…)

COVID-19, that horrid respecter of no one, is ramping up nastily in my area and he truly would not have wanted me to risk my life to pay respects to his empty shell.

He’s like me – the body is just the vehicle which enables us to exist on this planet, and once we’re through with it, it’s…meaningless? and should be left to return to the earth.  We should show respect, of course, through funerals and burials and familial rites and all that, but once the person inhabiting the body is gone, the body no longer serves a purpose other than to remind us of what was and will never be again.

Depending on your funerary traditions, it’s just a cold…mass lying in a cold place in the cold ground usually with a cold marker of some sort so you’ll know which of your dead is where.

It should be noted in one of my famous “interests of full disclosures” that I am by far not a “funeral person”, either.  (Got that from my dad, too.)  If I knew the person while they were alive, while their heart and soul and mind were engaged, why would I want to experience them without those beloved signs of life??  And when those parts of them are gone on, there’s nothing left but sorrow and grief and…and standing beside an opened and then filled hole in the ground won’t help at all with that.

According to my beliefs, in due course I will see my dead again.  They’ve gone on but aren’t forgotten, and until I’m with them again I’ll cry and then eventually I’ll try to remember them fondly rather than with huge fat tears rolling down my face.

We hold our dead firmly in our heart and our mind and our soul because that’s where they are; they are no longer inhabiting the “shell” they used while they were here and have no need for it…”there”.  We pay our respects to that which enabled them to walk our earth, and then we let it go, and we keep the parts of them that live in our heart and our mind and our soul because those are the parts that matter.

My mom and my dad mattered to me; she and now he still live on in my heart and my mind and my soul while I spend the rest of my days on this earth.

I appreciate you guys letting me whine and drone on at you about all this.  It’s doubtful that relating my on-going saga to you has helped anyone but I really hope it has.  We are creatures of emotions and we need a safe, welcoming place to let them run free and I hope you feel that “here” is safe and welcoming for yours, too.

If nothing else, I hope all this has encouraged you to hold on to you living stronger and better.  You can’t really do that anymore when they’re gone…and life really is shorter than you think.

Your support, and yes, I include your Paypal gifts in that, has truly been invaluable.  I’m sorry I haven’t been in a decent enough mind/emotion place to reply to all your wonderful comments here but I have genuinely cherished each one.

Y’all are some damn fine people, and when you share your grief, I grieve with you.  You are not alone.

I can promise you that.

Ok, here’s some generic “end of whine” housekeeping links to click or ignore:

Saga Pt. 1
Saga Pt. 2
PayPal b/c funerals are painfully expensive
Vit. D vid by a cool British doc b/c I don’t want you to die

Now go wash your filthy hands (and take your Vit. D – and no, it is NOT a cure-all but, srsly, look up the research on it FOR YOURSELF then make up your own mind).  If I’m not allowed to let a stupid COVID virus take me out, then neither are you.  I mean, y’all got pets and kids and, like, relatives and stuff who’d miss your ass.  Keep it safe and clean.

I’d miss you, too.  You matter to me.

I can’t swear there won’t be more whiny parts to this saga but I’ll try not to – I’m sure y’all have hella better things to do than read my rambles…and some of y’all need to get back into writing…

~Mer

 

27 thoughts on “Dad Was Buried Today + Existential Ponderings

  1. Virtual hugs my lovely. Lots and lots of long warm hugs! Saying goodbye is never easy in any circumstance. 😘

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  2. Baby, it’s OK to mourn. You can’t get over your dad’s death; you have to go through it. I’ve not only lost my parents, but I was widowed at 29; hubby was 34 and died of a heart attack on the way home from work. Fortunately, there were guardian angels with him as when his truck rolled over and over, that no one else was hurt.
    The body is merely a shell at this time. I think of a catapillar and a butterfly. Once the butterfly leaves the cocoon that was the home for its transformation, it can never return to it. So….now your dad has “sprouted his wings” and he’s off on his next adventure. I truly believe in life after death. Why would we go all through all we do and have the intellect and will we have, if it were all for naught? I think of this life as “boot camp” and we’ll get more marching orders when the time is right. Some of our trials are mental, some physical; but we all have trials, and none of get out of this life alive.
    Mourn, get angry, cry out at the unfairness of it all. You’re due. Then, listen to the still small voice that will tell you you’re loved, you’re cherished and all will be better.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Do your own home ritual to say goodbye to your father and your mind adjusts to the loss, even if it seems a bit silly to do so. You can put his belongings in boxes and remember moments with him while you say your final goodbye inside you so that you can move forward more smoothly. Stay safe.

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  4. It’s not whining, hon, it’s grieving. You have friends here who will listen/read as long as you need us, and for even longer. That’s what friends are for. Don’t forget to take care of yourself throughout all of this. You’re important and you’re needed. Know you’re in my thoughts. Stay strong, stay safe.

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  5. Sorry you weren’t able to go, but it seems like you’re okay with that. I definitely know he wouldn’t want you to get sick on account of being there. Praying for you!

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  6. Big hug and support through my prayers and toughts. You can not overcome any death of close people. You just learn to carry it better.
    You were with him as he and your mother are with you in your hart. That is what metter. What we have in our hart, not what we phisicaly do.

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  7. So sorry to hear these news and sending you big hugs. A moment that would be so very hard at any time but in the current circumstances it is heartbreakingly harder.

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  8. My thoughts are with you and missing his funeral and burial doesn’t make you any less loved and adored by your father.

    Keep taking the Vit D, I take 3 a day to keep my bones strong. Even though I live in a very sunny country, unfortunately my pale skin is prone to burning and melanomias. so I tend to get my sunlight hit through Vit D.

    Look after yourself and remember we are all here for you.

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  9. I couldn’t help thinking about my dad as I have read your thoughts about losing yours. We lost him in a relatively short span of time, cancer can do that. He went from being a vibrant, busy person (in the yard, working in his garden, helping at church) to a shadow of himself in less than a year. My sister is a nurse and lives in NC where he lived, so she was able to be with him more than I was. He was in hospice care at the end and she was with him (at home) when he died. She said he was talking to his mother ( my grandmother died when I was 5) and other loved ones who had passed on before him). She called me afterwards and I can recall so vividly feeling NOTHING. I was so glad he wasn’t in pain anymore that I didn’t think about my lose. It came of course. Like you, I believe we will be reunited and and can now remember things about him and smile, as will you. But you will always carry him in your heart. The goal for you now is to get through each day. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  10. OMG ! I Hate Hearing That You Couldn’t Be With Your Dad , To Say Goodbye , My Heart Go’s Out To You And Your Family , I Can’t Even Imagine The Pain You Are Feeling And Pray I Never Have To Know That Pain ! Please Know Your Fans Are Listening If You Need It !

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  11. Sigh. It sucks losing a loved one, especially when you cannot get the final closure by saying a final good by to the shell that used to hold the spirit.
    You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
    I don’t suppose the funeral home happens to have grief counselling? It does help.
    :3 <<<<<<<>>>>>>>>> May you be held tight in His embrace. May He carry you through these times. May you know peace. And happiness, when your grieving is done.

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  12. Sending love and hugs your way. I know it’s an awful time and I hope you have someone close to talk to, but you can always vent to us. I promise not one of us here thinks you’re whining. You do what you need to do to grieve. And I hope that someday soon the good memories will outweigh the bad.

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  13. You have my sympathies. My Mom died unexpectedly in early December, areal kick in the teeth and I’m still dealing with the fallout. If you want an ear, let me know, I’m having similar issues.

    Honestly, we decided on no funeral or any service, just immediate family and a few friends who were there when we buried her cremains.

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  14. Hey. I’m just touching base to see how you’re doing. Are you hanging in there? I know how hard it is, but I hope it’s getting a little better. Take care of yourself. 💕

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  15. Hey Mer –
    I’m just checking in on you again. I hope you’re healing and things are going a little better for you. Take care of yourself and let us know you’re okay If you can.
    -switbo

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hey, just wanted to pop by and see if you were doing better, I hope that you are. Good thoughts to you.

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  17. Hey Meridean – you haven’t posted anything since your Dad passed. So I just wanted to check and see how you were doing. Hopefully you’re doing better. I know it’s tough, my mom passed last year as well. Drop a line if you can and let us know if you’re okay.

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  18. L_Viviane – Thank you, luv. FWIW, I tossed/flung/gently shoved a blog post out into the WP world last night – hope you have a chance to read it and maybe comment if you like.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Switbo – Hey gorgeous! Yesterday (ok, last night) I flung a blog post out into the WP-verse -hope you have a chance to read it and maybe comment if you want. Thank you for caring!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I’ll go read it now! I’m glad to hear from you. I hope you’re hanging in there. It can be tough. Yesterday would have been my Mom’ 80th birthday and I spent the whole day in a funk because it was so hard with her being gone this year.

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  21. SWITBO: Awww, I’m sorry about your mom and I bet yesterday was really rough – hell, I can see how this whole pandemic fiasco has been rough without her. (((((hugs)))))

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