NOTE AND APOLOGY TO MY READERS

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Due to recent events, my muse has rolled up her flying carpet and taken off into the wild blue yonder.  The holidays took their usual chunk of my time and energy, of course, but the real culprit?  Long story short, I found out that a beloved family member was diagnosed with cancer and within a week of hearing about it (she’d kept it secret – hadn’t told ANYONE – for a long while), she died. 

I’m still reeling.

I hadn’t even gotten used to the idea of her being sick before she’s alluvasudden gone forever.

Devastating.

Erics and Sookies, Godrics and Cara and/or Claudy, Willa…even Sevrin and Stan/Richard…they’re all waiting patiently for my weeping muse to feel safe enough to come back home.  (They’re currently playing Monopoly…not sure how that’s gonna go…Eric1 and Eric2 are hogging all the good properties…)  Even Andre dropped by and gave me an awkward little shoulder pat before making his excuses.  Emma hung out a bit with coffee and sympathy, though – she’s nice like that.

Sevrin just grunted.  I think it was consolingly but I’m not sure, but there was a vampire head-nod involved so I guess it was meant well?    Godric2 offered to deliver unto me the hearts of my enemies and Cara was nodding her head in agreement just a little too seriously, but it was altogether heartwarming.

Sort of.

Pam flung a spendy bottle of pink nail polish at me and told me to cheer up already.

That Pam…

Anyway, just wanted to check in with y’all and let you know what was up…which is to say, not my mood.

Death sucks even when it’s a well-disguised blessing.   Hug your loved ones and keep them close.

As for updates, they’re coming, eventually, when the world rights itself again.  I’m working on things as I can, but the results aren’t very coherent yet.  It will just take some time, and we all know how the FLM can be, right?  She might strike at midnight…or midnight two weeks from now.

(I secretly hope that maybe letting you guys know what’s up will help clear the way for the weeping muse to make her way back home, maybe.)

~Mer

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88 thoughts on “NOTE AND APOLOGY TO MY READERS”

  1. i’m sorry to hear about your sudden loss. Everything I’ve been trying to say seems so trite. Long hard losses are terrible but you’re right; at least you’re prepared.

    Sevrin has no idea what to do with crying females. I’m sure he’d take out the trash or something for you. I’d say chop some firewood but that seems dangerous…splinter wise.

    Hope you spend some cuddle time with someone you love and recoup your heart strings soon

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  2. Love and prayers. The sudden ones like that literally hit you like a freight train… from my dad’s lung cancer diagnosis to his death was 19 days. We knew he was sick, just had no idea how sick. I’m sure all your characters will play nicely for awhile longer.. my most sincere condolences.

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  3. so sorry to hear about your loss. Take the time you need and no worries about us. Since I know we are all willing to wait. FLM are hard to pin down, and I know that, as well as the majority of fans do too!

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  4. I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I’ve lost my favor cousin to pancreatic cancer and my brother to hep C. My solace came reading yours and others stories. It took me away for awhile so I didn’t have to be a grownup responsible person. I could get lost in your world. Find what it takes to rediscover your muse and move forward. Thank you for helping me find mine.

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  5. Oh sweety I’m so sorry for your loss. Nothing can ever prepare you. *hugs tight* Taking care of you is the most important thing, if that means writing nothing for awhile, we’ll be here, if it means writing something horribly sad so you can get it out, we’ll read it and cry with you. Be well. ❤

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  6. Much love to you and yours. And chocolate. And coffee. Ooooh chocolate coffee cake! mmmm I
    know from experience how devastating it is when a loved one is fighting cancer. No amount of time is enough to prepare yourself for the loss. You take all the time you need, we will be right here. And there will come a point when you can think of her without tears, only smiles for all the beautiful memories.

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  7. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Take all the time you need and we’ll be here waiting for you. Your muse will come back when you are ready. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. ❤

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  8. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, let yourself grieve and when your ready to write and post again we will be here waiting. Most likely wait greedaly but waiting never the lees. Take care of yourself and family.

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  9. My condolences on your the loss of your family member. Grieve. Remember the happy times you’ve spent with this beloved person, they always mean so much when they aren’t there to be teased and annoyed. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  10. In these cases, I never know what to say except take your time to recover emotionally. Death is always worse for those who are left than for those who leave and it never matters much if you have a long notice or it is suddenly.

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  11. So sorry to hear about your sudden and very sad loss. Words never seem enough 🙁
    On an ever so slightly brighter side, maybe while Andre and Sevrin are being all awkward-vamp (what do we do with a crying/grieving female? How do we make her stop?), you could take advantage and…I dunno…get them to:
    A clean the house/garage/roof/driveway.
    B buy you something pretty/shiny
    C provide copious amounts of ice-cream and chocolate
    D get off their (splendid, muscular and/or cute) asses and brow-beat your muse into returning post-haste!

    Meanwhile we’ll all wait patiently and hope things get better for you and your family.
    Hugs
    Maggie xx

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  13. Of course you know that when you are ready, we’ll all still be here. My heart goes out to you, losing someone so suddenly, with no chance to prepare. It never feels like it when it’s happening, but there will come a time when you will be able to enjoy the good memories of things you shared with your friend. Until that time, know you have a lot of people caring about you and wishing only good things.

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  15. So sorry to hear this my condolences to you and yours.
    I understand how this can rock your world off kilter. I lost my mother within in a week of getting the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.
    Hugs, tissues, shoulder, or quiet time. What ever you need you Have. Just know we are here for you.

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  20. Lots of hugs for you and your muse. I am so sorry for your loss. I think you are still going through the stages of grief. Take the time you need. We love you and will greet you with joy when you come back.

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  22. Oh Meridian, I’m so sorry to hear about this. It’s so terribly hard losing someone. I’m sending lots of love and care. Please take care of yourself.

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  25. I think you said it best, ‘death sucks’. I’ve lost my mom, sister and brother to cancer. I feel your pain. Know that you are not alone. Sending feel better thoughts your way. And, that crap about ‘time healing all wounds’? It doesn’t. It numbs it. The pain and ache will get better. I’m so sorry for your loss. patsy

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  27. I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s not enough chocolate that you can buy that will make you feel better – but you can see if it helps. Meanwhile, hug people you love, cuddle, and read good fanfic to keep your mind busy.
    Love,
    Irene

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  28. So sorry for your loss, we lost a very close friend 5 years ago yesterday. He went in for routine surgery, and never woke up. I’m still not sure if going as quickly as that is better than knowing what’s coming….

    Anyway, take as long as you need, I know nobody will mind you taking the time to grieve, it needs to happen and it’ll take as long as it takes..

    If you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to your memories, or whatever, please let me know. hugs xxx

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  30. I’m so sorry for your loss! I know there’s nothing I can say to make it hurt any less, especially a loss that’s so sudden, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  31. So sorry for your lost my prayers and love are with you I lost my mom not to long ago I stayed with her for quite awhile and while she slept I read and read it my sound selfish but it took me away from the real world we love you . SO do what you need to do to heal and come back to us when you are ready for those that can not wait it is their loss for me I will be here . Love Ericsbickerchick

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  33. My birth mom did that. Fortunately, I found her a couple of months before she got so bad she couldn’t communicate anymore. She was glad I found her, as she had always wondered what had happened to me and had told my half-brother about me about a month before I found her. I think they just don’t want anybody to remember them as “sick” and that’s why they don’t say anything. Be glad for the time you had with her. I know I certainly am.

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  34. sorry for your loss, I went through the same thing almost. my little brother had phenumonia and began having some bleeding in his lungs, they put him on the eckmo and then they did an LVAD and 2 days after he also was gone. I’m devastated too. I just wanted to let you know I’m here and understand what your going through. if you need to talk just let me know. my condolences.
    ~Rachel

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  36. My sweet, kind, over-caffeinated Mer,

    I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your loved one, even when we know they are in a better place it’s hard to bear with the loss of their physical presence. Their love on the other hand, continues on, hopefully thru you & I(my maternal Grandmother passed away a year ago in March).

    Sending you my love and strength to get through the coming days…

    Joyce Teresa

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  37. thenakedpears: It was just so sudden, like, “Wait…what??” While I’m really glad she didn’t suffer for long, still, a chance to see her and say the goodbyes would have been, well, slightly better. And yeah, Sevrin would have loved to have been given an “it’ll make her feel better if I do this” job, poor guy. He does try… Thanks, hon.

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  38. jillapet: It really does. Nothing could really make it all easier but at least you’d be a bit more emotionally prepared. And only 19 days? Yeah, that’s just too damn fast, I mean, thank God he didn’t suffer for very long, but still… Thank you – hate that you know how I feel.

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  40. ihootie: Loss is what got me started both reading then writing fanfic when my mom died. I just wanted to feel…something, something other than loss and fear and frustration with forms and policies and all that bullshit. Then Godric and I “got to talkin'” then BAM: Anticipating became a reality.

    Close familial losses like that take their toll and all you can do is scream at the heavens and having to adult through it all makes it somehow even worse. I’m sorry, honey.

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  41. bashfyl: Sadly, that’s true – nothing really can prepare you for loss like that. I had the slow, horrible build-up with my mom before she died, and neither way (fast or slow) is good. Having that mental/emotional time to prepare can be good, only, it tends to come with increased suffering on the part of the ill. No options are good options. 😦 Thanks, hon. Still sad and grumpy over here.

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  42. missingjasamalways: *snort* I’m still in the “Dammit, why did you haf’ta go and die???” phase…pretty sure the sad grumpy bits are going to last for a long, long time, but at least the FLM does know how to work in pain, though, so that’s…well, ok, that’s hella sad, too, dammit. 😦 At least I do have good memories of her to carry me through, though, so that’s good.

    I hate that you know how I feel. Terminal illnesses and death both suck. Both autta be illegal.

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  44. tleel: I can’t wait to be ready to write again but right now the old brainbox is filled with scattered thoughts and fog. Bah. Thank you, hon – appreciate it.

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  45. jules3677: It’s hard to get used to them being gone, like a habit you don’t want to break. 😦 Thanks for your patience…the FLM will return at some point, hopefully.

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  46. cari1973: You’re so right. The pain of the suddenness is just as bad as the pain of lingering knowledge. My mom suffered a long, lingering illness and we all knew the end wasn’t as far away as any of us would have liked, but even then when she passed away, it *still* felt too sudden…because regardless of prior knowledge, it was. Death of a loved one is never easy, but then, I guess it’s not supposed to be. ❤

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  47. Ericluver: Hey, good idea – they could reattach the gutters on one side of the house and replace the too-high-up security light outside the attic above the second floor at the back of the house…Eric can fly…they can get him to do it. Oh, and I do have an outbuilding that needs to be emptied (and they could be all nice and replace the entire little building with something cute, right?). And wash my car…in biker shorts…only biker shorts…

    Death sucks. Thanks for your patience, hon. The FLM will return when it’s safe, hopefully. ❤

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  49. valady1: I keep wanting to scream, “It’s just not fair!!” Thank you for your patience. I hate that this has put such a damper on writing, but the magic just isn’t there right now. Hopefully soon…

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  50. mindyb781: Thanks, hon. And honestly, it kind of does feel like a betrayal… 😦 Hopefully the muse will get mad and stomp back home soon. ❤

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  51. mom2goalies: Awww, thank you. Very sorry to hear about your mom. 😦 I lost mine after a long, horrible illness, so while there was time for the goodbyes, there still wasn’t enough…time. Death just plain sucks when it comes to loved ones. 😦

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  54. estrella75: Heh, I may have modeled him a bit after me, actually. He and I get each other. And stoic? Eh, I’ve been through enough to learn the hard way that screaming to the heavens just gives you a sore throat. Humor tends to scatter the focus so that life’s blows sometimes…sometimes…don’t land too hard. Sometimes. ❤

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  57. murgatroid98: 😦 Definitely still going through the stages…seems to be getting a little easier but at the same time it’s still hard. Thank you for your patience, hon. I hope it won’t be too much longer.

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  58. fffbone: Lol, might just take spider up on that offer. A nice safe warm comfy cocoon sounds really good about now, and while Eric might be willing to ignore me for a bit, Godric will be attentive and let me out when I’m ready. (Eric2 is pouting because he lost at Monopoly.) ❤

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  59. switbo: Thank you, hon. Had a nice long bout of insomnia (my natural go-to during times of stress…) but when it finally broke, I practiced sleeping for a while. Things are mostly back to normal sleep-wise, so that’s good. Death sucks. Hopefully the FLM will come home soon. I kind of miss the brat. ❤

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  61. Hey, me too! Insomnia and stress eating. (Unless it’s REALLY bad – then I can barely choke down food.)

    I’m glad it’s getting better. You take care of yourself and your family right now and we’ll all be here waiting for whenever FLM comes home to roost. Sending warm thoughts and well wishes your way. (And coffee…always coffee.)

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  63. patsy1965: Oh, honey, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom, sister, and brother.. 😦 I totally agree with you about that whole “time heals all wounds” bs. When I lost my mom, time didn’t heal so much as “make foggier” in that it just blunted the pain little by little. ❤

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  64. treewitch703: Thank you, hon. There is a season for all things but that doesn’t mean we’ll enjoy it. The brightening does help some, though.

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  65. gaijinvamp: Can I take up kickboxing instead? It seems more fun… It’s getting a little easier as the shock and anger are wearing off; hopefully the FLM will find her way home sooner than later. ❤

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  66. scangefanfic: Oh man, that had to have hit pretty hard. Routine surgery is just that – routine; people aren’t SUPPOSED do die from it! And so sudden…that really hurts. I’m doing a little better but it still sucks. 😦 Thanks, honey.

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  69. ericsbickerchick: I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom, hon. I lost mine, too, a while back, and like you I’d been by her side all during her final illness. Just because you know it’s coming doesn’t make it any easier. I’m glad you had reading to fall back on during the down times; it’s a true sanity saver. ❤

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  71. medtran49: Oh, man, very glad you found your birth mom in time to reunite! That precious time with her was made all the sweeter all things considered. And I think you’re right – they just don’t want people to know they’re sick, don’t want people remembering them “that way”. I can respect that…don’t have to like it, but I can respect it.

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  72. Rachel: Very sorry to hear about your little brother. 😦 It sucks that you know how I feel. While I’m glad he didn’t suffer, it’s sucks that he’s gone. Hugs, honey. ❤

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  74. azucar69: Very sorry to hear about your Gramma, hon. Death sucks. I love knowing that our loved ones aren’t suffering, that they’re probably kickin’ back enjoying illicit card games, bad karaoke, and the good booze and/or coffee and having a fantastic time, still, we’re going to miss their actual presence. We can always talk to them whenever we want, just…we can’t hear their replies. 😦 Thank you, and I hope you’re feeling a bit better by now. ❤

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  76. switbo: Oh, yeah, have the insomnia and mindless pie-hole stuffing down pat. And yeah, if it’s REALLY bad, it’s just coffee for me, kthksbai…

    I have self-destructive behavior down to a science. I should consider donating my body…

    ❤

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  78. Dearest Mer, I’m so very sorry for the sudden and devastating loss of your loved one. You must be reeling. You have my deepest sympathy. Know that while you are dealing with your grief, your readers will be there, sending you healing thoughts and hugs.

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  81. I am sorry for your loss, my dear. I know its tough to deal with, especially when it just comes right out of nowhere! I am thinking of you and sending some love your way. I know all about wayward muses, but I can also tell you they most always find their way back. Just take things day by day, and you will get through this. Myself and your other readers will be waiting for you. Now I am picturing my own Mr. Muse crashing that Monopoly game Eric & co. have going on! 😉

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  82. Thank you sweetie this has probably been the pretty month of my life. my cousin that my mom practically raised committed suicide exactly a week after my brother died. I’m just trying to keep my head up now and not let all this drag me under a depression. but thank you for your well wishes and I really hope things are getting better for you.

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  84. rachelaidensmommy: Times like this suck, but you’re doing the right thing in keeping a weather eye on your own emotions and how all this is affecting you. BE sad, grieve, be angry and all those other stages of shock and grief – it’s how you deal with life’s foul bullshit – but definitely keep track of yourself. ❤

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  85. I think grief and anger are more prodominate at this time. I’m angry that she committed suicide so close to my brother’s death and I’m mad at God right now for taking my brother so young and only letting I’m havbe almost 3 years with him. but yeah I’m going to a counselor and trying to get through this the best way I can.

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  86. I just realized this was here. Thanks. Feel better from your bronchitis. I’m the same way. A cold, best thing i end up with is asthma flare, worst feeling like I’m going to hack out my lung, break a rib or several coughing and that burning feeling like you are going to burn from inside out. FEEL BETTER WISHES!

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  88. medtran49: Thanks, hon, and ohhh, yeah, I know exactly what you’re talking about with all of that. And the feeling like your “rib muscles” are burning/twisting? Yeah, it’s all nasty. When the cold or allergies settle in your chest, you’re fucked. 😦

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