Just a few of my *observations regarding sex scenes in the fanfic world…

Here’s a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy literary eye-roll I have about some of the “OMGodric – Srsly?” terms, phrases and actions used in fanfic sex scenes.  Don’t get me wrong:  the whole point behind writing fanfic is to FIRST AND FOREMOST enjoy creating a story based on the books or tv show that you love.   But…geez…Godric…:

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*Apparently female pussies/sexes/love boxes/cunts (a word I DESPISE!)/muffs/vaginas (it’s VULVA, people…vaginas are on the INSIDE!  *sigh*  Here:

The vulva (from the Latin vulva, plural vulvae, see etymology) consists of the external genital organs of the female mammal.^[1] This NSFW article deals with the vulva of the human being, although the structures are similar for other mammals.

Told’ja.) of all species are always permanently gushing  and/or dripping, and, according to male responses, apparently have a strong odor problem.  Perhaps a doctor should be seen for both situations?  Does all that gushing/dripping  pool at their feet?  Won’t they get a fungus from all that perma-moisture?

* Apparently these females are pretty much in perma-heat…but only after meeting the male (or female?) that fate/the fates/nature/some prophesy or other/whatever has chosen for them.  Also apparently, free choice is – at best – barely an option.  But that’s also apparently ok since her pussy/vulva/love box/gushing cavern craves what’s-his-name so much that she’ll “choose” him anyfuckingway. 

*When going down on said male-of-their-dreams, apparently the female is supposed to “swallow all that he has to offer”…  Does that include his wallet?  What about cars?  Jewelry?  Wouldn’t those be hard to swallow?  Is that supposed to sound better than “thick ropes of cold vamp cum slithering down her throat” or something?

*I worry about all those males while they’re “kneeling at her entrance/opening”…  What is she, a cave?  Are bats going to be flying out at them?  What about cave crickets – those bastards can jump pretty far.  And as wet as she apparently is, they might want to watch out for mold, too.

*And males?  Before you go “probing” your “fingers into her most intimate place” or “dipping” your “fingers inside her”, could you wash your hands first?  Seriously, y’all…  Can we say YEAST INFECTION?  How do we know you didn’t just pick your nose or pick up what the puppy chucked up on the floor a minute ago?

*And as far as vampires are concerned?  Dude, don’t be biting and sucking blood out of  ladies NIPPLES of all things!  One good chomp and the damn thing’d come right off, and we kinda LIKE them, and want them to STAY ATTACHED!  Not to mention OWWW!  So:  fangs OFF the nipples, please.  (Sooo not going to be using that one…I actually LIKE my heroines and really don’t wanna give them mangled boobies…)

*And, well, call me a prude, but if you’ve just had your fingers all up in a lady’s vagina or stroking a lady’s vulva like it’s a pet of some sort, for God’s sakes, don’t turn right around and stick’em in her mouth.  That’s just gross.  Things are probably GROWING in that consta-damp/wet/gushing/dripping love-cave and NO ONE wants shit like that in her mouth.  So…don’t be cramming your “dripping” fingers in her mouth.

*Same thing with faces “dripping with moisture” from having licked her “nub”… (I can’t really bitch too much about “nub”…I hate the term, but really, there just aren’t that many things you can call a clitoris and keep a straight face.)  So:  Don’t be all kissy-face immediately after muff-diving…wipe that shit off first.  Who knows where those fingers have been before you started “pumping” and “thrusting” them all up in her vagina in the first place!

*And…OMGodric…stoppit with leaving slime trails from her wet/dripping/gushing (srsly, seems like we need a doctor in here)/drenched/soggy/mushy/squishy (breathe) pussy/kitty/love canal/heated cavern/fuck grotto/passageway/escape-pod-to-Venus over her stomach to her breasts past gramma’s house to encircle the nipples you’re going to accidently “nip” off here in a minute.  Slime trails are gross – SNAILS, anyone?  Blech.

*And, finally:  Males, if you for whatever fucktarded, psycho reason need to hear your female “beg to cum”, dude…just go back to middle school.  We’ll wait for you to grow the fuck up……not.

Thank you for taking the time to read my mini-rant.

NOTICE of FAIR WARNING and/or IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE:  I’ve probably used a few of these in the past (ok, maybe not so many) and might use some of them in the future (unlikely, but hell, who knows…ok…I admit that I kinda like “heated fuck grotto”…it has a certain je ne sais quoi about it…).

Also:  this is NOT about you.  Srsly.  Well, unless you constantly discuss constantly wet fuck grottos and bit-boobie sucking…

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*My observations are just that:  mine.  These are just my opinions and I don’t mean anything (much) negative by this.  (And by “observations” I mean “things I’ve read just often enough for it to mutate from an eye-roll to a full-blown pet peeve… )  And just think, folks, we STILL haven’t cum to the topic of dicks/cocks/throbbing love poles yet…

*snicker*

If you have any pet peeve fanfic sex phrases or realllly questionable fic-sex practices you’d like to see discontinued or at least explained (or much-needed hygienic advice you’d love to see enacted), feel free to post’em here (so we can all laugh…or roll our eyes…or both…)

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